Today was my birthday.
It didn't feel like it at all. I guess that's the crazy thing about getting older. When you're a kid it's this huge event and it actually feels like your birthday. You have parties and your friends come over, there's cake and ice-cream and probably even some decorations. But now it's just like any other day. I get a few text messages here and there – most forgot or didn't mention anything. And I just hang out by myself all day and do whatever I want.
I went to lunch with my mom which was nice. We went to a Mexican food chain that's really good and sat outside away from the rest of the people and just talked for a bit. We don't really talk too deeply about anything – my family aren't much of great talkers – but in our way of talking, it was nice to hang out. I really love my mom. Sometimes I get too caught up in the past view of her I had when I was growing up, which was the view of a parent – an authority – instead of a real person, a human, who was younger than I am now when I look back on most of my childhood memories.
After lunch, I went shopping and spent a ton of money on new clothes that I need for work. I have to dress up quite nicely (although I downplay it a bit) and I have needed some new clothes for a while and have been putting it off. It was a good $250 for a few items from H&M. Most of their stuff doesn't fit me as I'm so tall. It's hard to find clothes that fit well.
Afterwards, I went home and cleaned up my house quite a bit. A new friend of mine wanted to sync up and she came over in the evening. She really loved my house and seeing all my plants in person (my entire house is full of plants), as she'd only seen photos of it all on Instagram previously. We decided to get some Thai food and watch a movie from the 80's called Starman. We laughed about how silly it looked and some of the acting. I'm sure people in the future will do the same to the movies we find fantastic now.
I don't mind hanging out with people. It's nice to not be alone and all that. But at times, I can't help but think that I'd rather be doing something else instead. Sometimes I feel I have to be all extroverted and peppy in order to entertain them or make sure their emotions are acknowledged or whatever. I felt a little of that earlier. I kind of just wanted to sit in my little office space, put on some good tunes, and write or play some games or something.
I've been in 'hiding' for a while now, so it's probably good for me to socialize a bit more besides with my employees. Or, maybe not? Maybe I need to go deeper into the solitude – deeper into myself – and really figure some sh*t out. I don't know.
I guess I'll just go with the flow.
I have to go back to work tomorrow after being off for 4 days, and I am absolutely dreading the idea of it. My boss is coming out this week to chat, and I think I might mention that I'd like to transfer to another role or company (as we have a bunch of different companies in various industries under our umbrella). Getting some time away from the job has helped me realize how stressful it is, and how unfulfilled I feel with it all. I've been in this job for almost a year now, and I haven't felt fulfilled in it. In fact, I feel dreadful at the thought of having to go into the office and pretend I'm extroverted and only have one emotion (happy) while people are assholes to me all day. It's not the best experience. So, maybe if I put it out there I'd like to be considered for anything else that comes up, it might lead to something better that I would enjoy more. Who knows. Worth a shot anyways. Worse case, I keep going at what I'm doing and figure things out as I go. It sounds crazy, but the Universe has a way of things working out in one way or another. So far I haven't been stuck for too long in something I've dreaded. Opportunities and changes happen when it appears to be time to do so. Learning to put my intentions out there and then trusting the process of it all unfolding has become a big lesson for me over the years. This time is no different.
I'm also considering taking some online coding classes so I can learn how to do some of that world and maybe change up my career entirely. We'll see.
It's late and I'm rather tired, so I'm going to call it a night so I can get some sleep and not be groggy all tomorrow.
Give love. Be love.