mr.gr3y

I'm taking a few days off in the next few days, giving myself a 4-day weekend. It's mainly for my birthday, as I like to take some time off and just do something on my own – ie., to see a bunch of movies or go hiking, or something. The weather is supposed to be rainy, so camping is now out (that was the original plan though). I'm kind of bummed out about it, honestly. But now I'm going to hang out with my best friend and his family and just chill for one of those nights. The rest of the time, I think I'll just hang at home, watch a bunch of movies, eat as many pizzas as I can, and enjoy my solitude.

The work day has been very slow, which I'm so happy about because I have zero motivation or care about the day today. I'm already checked out in my mind, so I'm just getting a few necessary things done, helping anyone that comes in or needs something, and then being quite chill otherwise. It's been nice. However, the office AC isn't working so it's getting rather warm, which I hate. I'm just happy the clock is moving along and getting closer to when I can get the hell out of here.

Remember how I said the other day that someone that I wanted to get to know wasn't responding to me, and basically cut me off out of nowhere? Well, guess who messaged me yesterday!?! I sent this person a note on their Instagram, in response to one of their stories (a selfie, of course) and I made a comment that they are beautiful – or something sly like that. I think my exact message was “I know I'm not supposed to reach out to you, but f*cking hell, you're beautiful”.

.... I know, right!? I'm awesome.

This person then said, “Aww, you're the best ever. Thank you! (heart, heart, heart).

I wrote back and said that this person should message me on Signal (the main messaging app I use) and that we should try again and be friends.

They said, “Deal :)“.

I couldn't believe it. A message popped up a few minutes later on Signal.

I don't think anything will come of it. I highly doubt it anyways. I mean, I'm open to being surprised. But, with this person, I've learned that there are plenty of other important things going on in life rather than creating a new relationship – even if not the romantic type. It bugs me, because I'd be all for it. Once I decide on something I go all in and make it happen, offering up all the time and resources necessary. I don't deal with with “flaky” type approaches towards situations or people in life. If I want something, I go for it. I make it happen. I create reality instead of just hope it 'works out' the way I hope it does. So, in that regard, I'm struggling a bit with how they are approaching things.

I don't think I've ever really been much of a priority for someone, except for when they feel lonely or need money.

As crazy as it is though, I've tried to just let it go and forget about it. But, for whatever reason, this person always pops up in my mind and would be the only person right now that I'd want to give my time and energy towards. Everyone and everything else can suck it. When compared to the glorious beauty and freedom of solitude, not much could sway me away from that, but somehow, this person has gotten my attention and has done so quite strongly.

Again, we were chatting for a while (months ago) and started to hang out a bit. It was going very well, and I thought “OK, here we go.. this is happening and it's going to be good.” We both opened up quite a bit and the feedback I got from this person about where they were at, and what they were feeling as well, was superb and matching mine. But then, out of nowhere, this person just disappeared. Texts went unanswered or were days delayed and super vague, and then they just disappeared. I had no clue why. I tried to ask what happened – if I had done something wrong, or offended them, or scared them, etc. – but no response. Even now, I still have no clue why. I'd like to know... but whatever.

But, now, a couple messages have been exchanged again, randomly. Does it mean anything? I doubt it. As much as I'm ready to just open up and jump right in again (I have the problem of doing that too soon and too deeply). I'm still being cautious and hesitant, and will remain so unless this person really “puts on the moves”, per say, and really shows some interest and chases after me a bit. I'm usually the one that does the chasing. I've never known what it feels like to be the one being chased after.

What does it feel like to be loved in a way where you aren't just their accessory to keep them from feeling alone? What does it feel like to be someone's entire world?

/mg