mrislam

Waking up feeling angry, at the person who had promised to wake me up for Fajr. Recalling her pitifully weak call at 4 am, how could they feel they had some their job?

Also comes to mind the alarm situation. Sleeping next to my dad, he told me to turn off my alarm when it rang for the second time during Fajr. My plan was to snooze several times and finally wean myself out of sleep — but a burly man telling me to turn off my alarm meant my sleepy self was more than happy to oblige.

I had made du'a. I had given up hope of doing tahajjud, because when I tried that yesterday, I slept ten minutes before Fajr and failed to wake up afterwards... My sleepy self was convinced that it could follow the sunnah of sleeping till Fajr by taking that nap.

My mother had also told me to not pray tahajjud, and instead try to just not miss the fard which is Fajr. She'll come with more advice now, laughing slightly at how I couldn't get up for Fajr today also.

My throat is dry, my stomach is upset, and I am on the verge of flipping out at how I am failing the basic duty given to me by Allah most high.

My sleep cycle is still so messed up. Sleeping at 2.30 am and sleeping through 12 noon. Allah most high almost bought me out of that cycle once, but I regressed back out of sheer laziness.

I am extra mad because I wrong no one but myself when I sin. I am in need of Allah ta'ala, utterly and completely... Yet I miss 20% of the appointments he has set for me with Him.

O Allah, most loving and caring, please forgive this slave who wins himself ceaselessly. Please aid this servant of Yours to submit to the ultimate reality — that everything in this world is corrupt and worthless, that this world is itself more fleeting than the squirrel who is across the street in the blink of an eye — please O Allah, don't let this world delude me, and please turn every ounce of anger in my soul into determinedly repenting microcosms.

Please guide me. Please make me one of those who excess in doing good. Truly, when they err, they seek forgiveness and cease the sin. O Allah how many of us fail on the first part. It's a station so simple, yet so far... Please aid us all to reach it!

Please aid me to remember you constantly O Master. Any gratefulness, fear, or love with manifest as a never-ending remembrance of You, My Master. Yet I have none of those three as I constantly forget You — what a sad statement!

Please aid me to remember you O Allah, more than a lover remembers his beloved, more than a criminal remembers the law, more than a poor man remembers his donor.

Please forgive me, I do not need to rhyme or make du'a flowery — yet I have so much to ask that if I do not put it in words, I am a mess O Allah.

There is no truer statement — “I am a mess”. Please fix me O Master, and aid me to put my best effort as well.