nasura moi

Today I was called out by a friend for being too competitive. The situation itself was totally innocuous, we were discussing how may shares we wanted to own of a certain game company popular on reddit (you know the one). I have more shares than her, so when she said she wanted to increase her position I then half jokingly retorted that I would need to increase mine as well in order to ensure it was still 5x larger than hers. She called me weird and pushed me on why I felt the need to always do that, and besides triggering me it really made me think. Why am I so competitive with her and other people in my life?

Ever since I can remember, I've had this drive to always be a little bit better than those around me, no matter the category. If someone was getting healthy, I wanted to get even more healthy and lose more weight than them. If someone was doing good in school, I wanted to get straight A's in order to prove my superior academic skills. And in this particular example, if someone is trying to get rich around me, then I must be the richest one of all! After calming down, I can sort of see her point. Even though in my mind I'm competing against others, they aren't competing with me or even realize it. Ultimately, I'm only competing with myself and in my own head as usual.

The root cause of this behavior eludes me, honestly. It might have something to do with the fact that I was raised in poverty and so grew up with very little. When I see others with things, it seems to trigger a latent feeling to try to accumulate more than them so that I feel safer. It's not so much greediness or superiority as much as a mindset of lacking and scarcity. When you grow up not having enough, no matter how much you get later it still always feels like it's not enough. By at least having more than those around me, it puts me at ease in a way since I feel I can slow down and feel safe enough to stop. I achieve a sense of security that I'm doing good compared to others.

Part of it also might have to do with power, as my friend also brought up. That me always having the upper hand in any situation makes me feel more powerful and in control over others. This might play a role too, but I'm not sure. I do enjoy being in control, that I'll admit. And I'm sure some of my friends could easily label me a control freak and I wouldn't be able to deny it (my OCD is likely a manifestation of that). That and my self-esteem is always in flux depending on the day and situation I find myself in. In the end, while I wasn't happy that I was called out on my behavior, it did ultimately get me to think deeper and provide me with more self-awareness.

So to my friend, I begrudgingly say “screw you, and thanks.”