Nerd by Trade

I guess I have more to say. COVID-19 sucks. I know I live kind of like a hermit, but I can't even go out on the weekends to the one little restaurant that I love. I consider myself a regular, even though I'm kind of asocial. I know they recognize me, and I've even met the owner on multiple occasions (since this is anonymous, I will share that's he's quite the charming daddy).

Oh, gay phrases. I feel like I want to vent about why I feel a bit alone in this world. Here's the first one: I'm gay. Fun! As the source of my mental health, I struggle to view my sexuality and my body in a positive way. Of course, it's not easy when your brain whispers mean things to you all the time. And, I'm an educated guy. I get it, but I'm not good with conflict as it is, much less fending off my own mind. And wouldn't you know it, my own mind was the ONE thing I could rely on as I was growing up. I could impress people with my intelligence, and I always did so for the love and affection. The problem is that with intelligence comes expectations, at which I failed miserably.

So yeah, sometimes I feel lonely for being gay, knowing that religion created this hatred for gay people. I mean, religion is supposed to be about loving thy neighbor and all that, so where does hating gays come into that? I was raised a southern baptist (dunked into the water at age 13), and I've had to sit through a few of those anti-gay sermons. They sucked, and since my dad was a deacon at the church, I felt that the post-out ones were secretly directed towards me.

A for Christ's sake, being gay is not a choice. If I had a choice, I already know the choice I would have made. I would have made the choice to be loved, to grow up, to marry, to have children, and to be happy. Yet, here we are. I'm hardly masculine, and with the progress of gender expression and gender identity, I wonder if I'm closer to non-binary. I identify as male, and I dress as a male. I want a hot muscular body, but perhaps that stems from my inner desire to be masculine? Of course, that desire comes from a place of trauma, which is annoying. I wish that since I've gained some insight into my own mental health, I could simply check off a box and feel better again. Oof. Either way, I'm not super masculine, just your average-bodied, slightly overweight gay nerd.

ANYWAY (as grandma says), on to the next topic of why I feel slightly alone: religion. I'm not religious, and I worked at a Catholic school! Hah. I feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing, but it was the first teaching job that came along. They have been good to me, even knowing I was gay. However, a few student incidents have scared me a bit from participating in extracurriculars.

I am spiritual and as a self-proclaimed scientist, I believe in ghosts and reincarnation. Let's explain. Dr. Ian Stevenson (UVa), a psychiatrist who has done studies on reincarnation. He interviewed children who fit very specific criteria. First, these children had memories of their past lives. These children also had unique birthmarks. He rigorously interviewed the children, who gave detailed knowledge of their past life, like names of family members. He also examined the birthmarks of the children, then compared them to autopsy reports of the deceased person. The birthmarks on the children matched the wounds received from their previous life, near-exactly. For a bland example, a man had been shot and the child had a birthmark in the exact location of the gunshot wound. I'm pretty sure one kid had birthmarks at the location of the entrance AND exit of the bullet. The evidence is quite surprising. And yes, this study was published in a peer-reviewed journal. It's clear that the scientific community would never take such a topic as reincarnation seriously, however rigorous the study.

So yeah, the mysteries of our world have always fascinated me. There is so much we don't know about the world, and the mainstream scientific community is oddly close-minded to anything regarding the soul or the spirit. Frankly speaking, a true scientist has no bias. With so many questions regarding life and death, science has turned a deaf ear to this topic. It's disappointing, but honestly, the science community can be petty, egotistical, and jingoistic.

I mean, if you spend your entire career on a theory, only to have it disproved decades later, would you merely agree? No, you'd defend the shit out of your life's work! Hence the bias. In my opinion, only a few bright and dedicated individuals out there are true scientists who would try to explain the world without bias. The rest are just doing their jobs and collecting their salary.

I believe in the soul. I think it exists apart from the body, and one main reason is ghosts. I believe that ghosts exist. Perhaps they are a manifestation of the soul. But think about it, of ALL the ghosts cases, stories, and described experiences, only ONE of them has to be true for ghosts to exists. So, from a burden of proof perspective, how are all of the millions of experiences false? I understand that witness testimony is the lowest form of evidence, but it does not make sense that millions of people would make this up. Whether it's the soul or not, something is clearly going on. I had a fun conversation with a friend once (a very smart guy), and he essentially chalked it up to some hallucinatory experience or only one where they “thought” it was real. Who knows? But, when you tie ghosts into reincarnation, religion, and the bigger picture, it seems like one of the puzzle pieces.

Another reason for lonely feelings: my interests. I like music and love to sing, but non-music people just don't get it. When most people find out you can sing, they want you to perform for them. I hate that because I'm like, “YOU can sing, too! Anyone can sing! It doesn't have to be perfect, and you only get better with practice.”

Music people get it. They would never ask you to sing but might ask to sing WITH you. They will turn on music, look at you, and start belting it out. I miss those friends. I don't have any music friends like that where I live now.

The second-to-last reason for feeling lonely: I'm a conspiracy theorist. I mean, I don't consider myself one of the crazy ones. But, there are too many things in this world that don't make sense. It's too long-winded to explain now, but here's the summary:

I believe that aliens exist and are here on Earth.

I think that religion was born from extraterrestrials (ETs) coming to Earth and visiting the people there. Ever read the Bible? There are a few passages that, like Ezekiel's wheel and the splitting of the Red Sea, that describe advanced technology. I mean, Ezekiel's wheel is this crazy thing in the sky that is clearly difficult to describe. And then at the end of it all, a fucking angel walks out and is like, “Yo.” Ancient Aliens on the History Channel also does a decent job describing the basic tenants of the Ancient Astronaut Theory. However, most of their shows are too nuts for me.

I believe there is a secret organization, running the world to keep the masses working as slaves for the rich and powerful. Politics make no sense anymore. Republicans have become even more corrupt under Trump, and Democrats lie with a smiling face while championing social tolerance. The reality is neither of them helps the people. Most actions of Congress help the wealthy, while millions of homeless people live on the street. Let's be real, the USA is not a democracy, but an oligarchy. The rich and powerful run businesses that force legislation in this country. How, you ask? Large companies, through various means, give large contributions to politicians. Thus, when the politician is elected, these companies have sway in the politician's votes. Once you are executive level in a billion-dollar corporation, part of your job is changing legislation to create profit. I've seen this directly when working for a nationwide corporate dental company.

So with all of that in mind, I say, your vote doesn't matter as much as you think it does. The only genuine people I saw running were Bernie Sanders and (maybe) Elizabeth Warren. They wanted to fight corporations, but the DNC acted against them with subtlety.

I believe that these ETs created humans (Ancient Astronaut Theory), and there is evidence in the book of Genesis that supports this view. We are a hybrid between these ETs and the Sasquatch species (so much more to discuss here, but Bigfoot is just another puzzle piece). Imagine they brought in a living Bigfoot. At that exact moment when the skull was compared to our evolutionary ancestors, I believe it would be clear that Bigfoot is the descendant, leaving us without a place in the evolutionary record. The same idea with ghosts, of the millions of Bigfoot sightings, are they ALL false? Remember, only one story has to be true for Bigfoot to exist. Only one.

The last reason: I don't believe many mainstream scientific theories. I don't believe in the Big Bang Theory. I believe Hubble's Constant is actually describing the small amount of energy lost by a photon over parsecs in space. Thus, drawing a different conclusion: the universe is infinite (or somehow cyclical) and has always existed. There is no expansion.

Also, wave-particle duality is a stretch for me. Even Einstein said this was a temporary solution. I believe in the Wave Structure of Matter, which a subset of scientists has researched thoroughly. It's not electromagnetic radiation waves, but scalar waves. Instead of particle-waves, there are wave packets. It would take another blog to explain my thoughts on this, so I'll leave it at that for now. Evidence includes real-life microscopic images of atoms and molecules, electron wave functions, and the double-slit experiment.

In case you are wondering, I do believe in evolution. 100%. It's just that Bigfoot evolved normally, and humans were the created ones. The cool thing about religion is it's a glorified story of something completely true. But, blinded by faith, one cannot see the truth. Genetics and evolution are a huge interest of mine. I also love thinking about the origin of life.

The last fun theory of mine before I finish is gravity. I believe that The Wave Structure of Matter helps explain gravity as a “leftover” force. I know I'm missing the entire introduction but: When the incoming wave transforms into the outgoing wave, energy is lost. Thus, drawing the wave packets closer together. Wow, as I read over this paragraph, this sounds like a load of shit. I missed so much detail, but it makes sense in my mind.

Anyway, this means the source of gravity comes from the atoms themselves, which makes sense as mass correlates with gravitational forces. I also believe spacetime is created by gravity (not the other way around as thought by mainstream physicists. Gravity is also non-linear. It acts more like a vortex, which helps to explain the Two-Body problem, frame-dragging, and the geodetic effect.

I know I'm not a Ph.D. level holder of Biology or Physics, but this is as far as I've gotten with that makes sense in my worldview. Maybe I'm wrong, and I'm open to change, as long as the proper evidence is provided. Emotional challenges to my theories bore me because they are completely expected. It's difficult to find someone who will engage with you about non-mainstream ideas. Everyone seems to want to defer to the experts instead of doing the research themselves. But then again, not everything has a scientifically inclined mind, I guess.

And the end of it all, who knows? Maybe I'm wrong about everything, but I'm desperately impatient to find out. If ETs are real, I hope they come to fix the world and create a 'heaven on Earth,' as they describe in the Bible's Revelation (I know, I know).

And this is why I feel alone. I feel like I'm the “know-it-all” around music people, the “singing show off” around intellectual people, the “gay kid” around religious people, and the “conspiracist” around political people. I think it's beaten me down over time.

Also, isn't it great how I've taken all of my passions and the things that make me unique and then turned them into things that make me lonely? I'll have to think more about that, but it's another good insight that just came to me. Maybe I need to stop caring what everyone thinks, but my depression-brain makes that difficult at times/a lot of the time. I need to find myself a community in this town, and a therapist. Neither seems like fun.

Until next time, person-who-is-reading-this (if there is one).

A new blog. Not my first time, but this time I wanted something anonymous.

A place to share my ideas, however wild they might seem to others. Also, I suppose I wanted a place of therapy, to talk about my thoughts and mental health. The state of this world saddens me, one where we display our fake smiles while living atop a society of lies.

A little bit about me, I'm not your average Joe. I'm a gay boy raised in Virginia but living in Upstate New York with my boyfriend of 6 six years. Our relationship is not perfect, but I love him (now come the tears, obviously).

I have always had a passion for science. I always loved learning about how the world worked, especially in nature. I have always loved animals and as a child, I wanted to live on a farm so I could live with a lot of animals (I'm working on chickens and a mini-cow at least). Biology is where it's at. My B.S. is in Biology, and I wish I paid more attention to the advanced concepts I was supposed to learn in college.

Music is my other passion. I sing tenor and I love to sing. Society tells us that singing is a skill, but I disagree. Singing is fundamental to the human experience. I love belting musical theatre mostly, but I love listening to all kinds of music, including opera, classical, pop, even some EDM and hip-hop.

I guess I love talking about myself, too. Perhaps it helps remind me that I do have things I love to do, even when my brain tells me otherwise. Depression is a crazy thing. As someone in their mid-30s, I was ignorant about mental health growing up. I didn't realize I lived with depression until about 4-5 years ago. It was like coming out all over again – clearly, not a fun experience to look forward to.

Anyway, I had to go back and edit some shit. I have the Grammarly extension, which I enjoy, but it disrupts my thinking process.

Manga is another one. I read a lot of manga, manhwa, manhua, and webtoon comics. Usually, they are fantasy related (you know, elves and shit), but I also have started reading more BL and gay romance comics. I never had that growing up, and it's refreshing to see. Even more enjoyable to read.

Well, I supposed that cheered me up a bit. The irony. Until next time, whoever is reading this. I hope there will be a next time and I don't forget about this.