She was like an iron giant door that has no lock. She seemed calm, strong, and didn't open up easily. She can't express her thoughts and her feelings, even to those closest to her. Nobody knows when no one is looking, she can be a glass bead that breaks easily. She's weak, has a trust issue, and mentally unstable. She likes to overthink something and ended up crying. Her thoughts were like tangled threads, she wished she could cut or fix the thread but she couldn't yet. She believes everything needs a process. With this writing, she hopes she can slowly heal herself. She knows, no one can heal her, this is all on her. Little by little, day by day, she believed that better days would come.

2020 may not the best year, at least for most people. I may think that way too, but there's always a silver lining behind every dark cloud. 2020 may not pretty as its name, but this year is special. This year always gives me something to learn.

Firstly, during early pandemic I work in a place like a canteen or cafetaria. I worked there for about 3 months, but for now the place is closed because of Ms. Rona. For the first time I have money for myself and I'm super happy with that. It was like the first money I had myself and I learned that getting money is not as easy as it seems.

Second lesson I learned this year is that I learned to let go of things that aren't for me. I wasn't accepted at IPDN but I was accepted SBMPTN at Undip. IPDN wasn't for me and I believe God has given the best plan. Also, it may kinda surprised many people that I accepted at Undip even I was shocked myself, but I'm glad that I made it. I'm proud of myself.

'Let go' can also mean about the people around me. I learned that people always come and go. If I look myself as a color, I may not be everyone's favorite color but I believe there's people who need me for complete their pictures. I know I'm worthy and enough for the right people, so I just let them who wasn't for me go. Let it go and let it happen.

Another lesson is I try not to care and think deeply about what other people say or think towards me. I try to live for myself and not to meet other people's expectations. Although I haven't fully implemented it yet, I think that it's the best choice I've ever made. I'm glad to do it. I'm happy.

I know the word 'happy' looks pretty simple, but it has a deep meaning for me. I used to cry every night thinking about everything in my life, but I guess I'm better now. 2019 version of me can't relate lmao. This year really makes me feels like all my hard work and tears have paid off.

Actually, there are still many lessons that I take this year, but it's impossible for me to write all of them here. This year may not the best, but isn't worst too. I'm so grateful of what I have gone through and what I have now. I'm so grateful for everything. I'm very blessed.

Thank you 2020!

i love you like the sound of my favorite songs filled my ears;

giving the eargasm and remember the lyrics through my mind make my heart flutter,

or when the part of my body move slowly following the rythm, i think its the best thing i've decided.