Him and I met yesterday. It was magical. Also a bit scary. He told me he needs me in his life and that he was holding back all the time because he did not want to disrupt my family. But that he could not stop thinking what if. The look in his eyes told the rest of the story. He’s such a kind and lovable person. We can’t be together, so we both did not really know how to move on. He really respects me and my family, and does not want to interfere. I think he’s just quite sad about the whole timing.

I was lucky to get to know him better. The look in his eyes. It was magical. He told me many kind things. I feel at peace right now. But I fear he’s not. That’s why it was scary. It felt bad to leave him like this, holding back, staying all alone on his little luxurious island. He said it’s nice to have K. At least something, that maybe, they can make it work somehow. Though it’s already proven difficult at times. I would love to be able to give him more of my love, but for now I’m just lucky he made me this little gift of letting me know. I want to see him again one day.

You can make me hear a song from Aurora and throw me into emotional extremes. Butterflies and all felt love for a man who's probably not even slightly interested in me. A handsome, successful, maybe a bit lonely person who happened to be my manager for some months in a fancy tech company.

Switch the track and I start kicking these butterflies like a warrior, focusing on what seems to count more – family, work, creativity and. And.

The gap.

The gap voided emptiness that pushed my emotional rollercoaster into reality. I'm such a fool I think.

So my beloved gap creates this fantasy about a random handsome unattainable person being interested in me after all. The plot has some variations but always ends with him needing me in his life to get rid of his demons of varying form and quality. Sometimes spiritual, sometimes psychological, sometimes just bad moods. Demons, like old flowers waiting to be thrown away. You want to keep them longer but they really don't look nice anymore. Or more powerful ones.

Inner void, filled with butterflies, helping a random imperfect person become a better person. I'm distracted and tired. Those fidgety insects do constant reality checks. They ask if reality is fantasy, if thoughts and feelings are connected through wires, if lives take part in distant times and spaces, in parallel universes, so if yes, there must be a connection between those two souls and those butterflies must be real, they must be magical and they are little warriors like me, they fight back. Maybe they will win after all. Maybe they're right and it's all true.

When I wrote him an email, explaining my situation and reasons for walking away from a prestigious job under his lead after just six months, he did not respond. It took him two weeks to write some lines back. Some thanks, some being-flattered-and-sad and finally some well-that-happens, good-luck-anyways. It hurt quite bad. But the bad feelings went away. The butterflies rushed away. It all went quiet and calm. Until they came back with the gap. If it's really quiet we are able to hear their wings. So that's when they came back to be heard and felt.

I understand the mechanics. I know he's not interested in me. I am so sincere about it when I'm rational. But I still hope I am wrong. I still embarrass myself from time to time, sending him signals like smoke, about how I feel. No direct contact but bits and pictures here and there. No answer, the void remains as it is, full of fidgety, impatient insects.

It would be perfectly easy to place someone like him in there no matter what else. I've got a husband who I love on a very deep and mature level. Not the level of foolishness what I tend to create in my butter-head. So why even wish for anything to compete with this reality. Still the void. I don't know what's missing. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to place something there on my own. If it's even necessary. If I exist only for love, then it's okay to place him there. If he would let me. But I don't. And he does not. So what do I do.

#Journal #Thoughts #Love