Owam

Thank you for checking out my blog. .It is about each and everything. Life in general. My life. The entire world.

How about you leave my Facebook and phone passwords out ? What if we would just pretend we didn't see the profile pictures and statuses directed to someone named “her” . I mean the I miss “her” .i love “her” . What bad would happen if we could take what we're given? And if we feel it's not enough, we pack our sacks and go .And stop stirring up arguments .

How about going with the flow? We love same music genre right? We've got the same taste in music! What if we don't? What happens then? Do you introduce me to your taste? Or do you step on my toes on some “you have a bad taste in music ” Do you belittle me like that, or you choose to educate me?

And if you ask me about this movie, which happens to be a decade or two old, and I tell you, I tell you that I've never watched it . Are you going to find me slow? Is that what lovers do?
Don't they hype each other? And if I prefer Macaroni, while you love sushi, am I of a low class to you? So now love know classes? Too bad.

And If I tell you I love you and you only, why is it that we're argue about the guy who wants me, a guy I don't want? Why is he a part of our life now? I mean what if you told me how beautiful my black eyes are, how an art my smile is, how my giggle gives you butterflies? Instead of looking for fights, unnecessary fights.

Remember love letters? What happened to those? I'd like to read something in your hand writing. Can you send me an sms ? Instead of asking me about my last seen on whatsapp? Send me an sms ,remind me of the very first time we kissed, I swear I'd blush forever.

What if we focused on our love instead and forget about the rest. Last night'syou told me I'm beautiful, when my beauty fades, what's going to become of me? An ex to you?
I know I have the worst voice, and you hate it, but what if it's my super power? Maybe if it wasn't for it we wouldn't be in this relationship, and you are unaware of that.

Will you care to tell me when your feelings have changed? Because that I can take. Please do not make me a laughing stock and go cup someone's breast behind my back, can you not taste the warmth of their lips whilst you tell me you love me?
Just go love them instead?

Am I asking for too much? Is that why you frown at my texts sometimes? Is that why you make me question your love for me? Should I apologise? I'm sad that I can't apologise, I'd rather have you lose me than to lower my standards. Seems like I'm too big for you.

Oh my intellect? I love it when you compliment me on that. Yours is amazing too. You're a genius.

“It's the little things that matter” , they say. Little things like posting on my time line ? Commenting with fire emojis on my pictures? What if I don't fall for that? What if I want the big things? Ask me if I ate, what did I do to get close to achieving my goals a certain day?why is it that I hate failing? What is it that it does to my self esteem, why did I choose this career path, do I want to relocate? Why? To where? Why that place particularly? Ask me about my family,are they okay? Ask me about my emotions, understand that a week before my period I'm an emotional wreck , I explode, and sometimes I cry my eyes out for absolutely nothing .Understand that I love my space, I love you, so much but I love listening to silence , in the absence of your heart beat.

Know something, know that you make my heart race . Know something more than that, that before you make me happy, I make myself happy, so when you decide to pack and leave, you won't leave me homeless. Happiness is my home. I don't live there more often, but whenever I do, I make the most of it .

Here's what you should take with you everyday, love me and my flaws, my effortless giggle, love my soul, love my heart back to life, love me. Don't tell me you love me because I'm beautiful and thoroughly shaped, we will fight. That is lust , I don't need that.

What if we actually lived and loved. Would it hurt?

**It is what it is **

Well sometimes like today, like most days. I feel like I'm dead already . What if I'm really dead already? What if I died maybe long time ago? let's say at 15 when life seemed like gold, it was all that glitters.

You know being dead is like being stupid, when you're dead ,You're unaware of the situation except for the people around you.

Maybe I'm not dead, maybe I am . Well sometimes, sometimes when I can't find logic .When I can't figure stuff out, I come to terms with my death, I fully accept that I am dead.

Sometimes I'd try to reach out to people, but they wouldn't come through for me. Which means I'm actually dead and the universe is trying to alert me, but, but I'm in denial .

I'd tell people I miss them but they would ignore me , again the universe would try to warn me. It would tell me “ you can't tell people you miss them, they can't hear you, hence it seems like they are ignoring you. You're dead “

Okay so, I'm not in heaven, definitely not in hell. Well they say in heaven, there's no pain ,no sorrow, no worries. And in hell, well they fry you up. Well I guess I'm waiting for the judgement day around the universe. Because yes I've had my share of sorrows, and they haven't fried me, so ,so I'm still around you guys. Around but dead, I'm not a ghost though but I am dead, maybe I'm not dead.

Even though I'm dead,I still have emotions, well If cold and empty are to be described as emotions then ,cold and empty it is .My heart is one hollow space, I guess that is how dead people are supposed to feel.

I guess the losses and rejections killed me, well those were powerful weapons when I was still alive. They'd suffocate me every now and then.If they'd come for me today, I'd win. I'd win because they have killed me already, now they can't do it twice.

Depression, well I used to talk to that guy, we'd fight for hours, days and weeks without people knowing .He'd strangle me, 2-4 fists on my face, oh my heart would sink to my stomach . He'd call me names, like “useless “, “weak” and how unworthy I am of people's love. He'd win because he was honest about on thing, which is, I was weak.

Today, I'm sure he's fighting with someone else because I'm dead, maybe not. If he's fighting with you, I'm sending love and light your way. Tell him you're stronger than him, that you're a warrior, he cannot defeat you. Do not be as weak as I was. If you believe in God, I'm an angel sent to tell you this. If you believe in ancestors, then your ancestors have sent me to you. Because I am dead, maybe not.

Sometimes in death too, there are better days, where you just lay there without worrying about life problems .You don't have the life, you can't possibly have problems when you dead and living.

This is confusing. It is what it is. I am dead. I am alive. Sometimes it feels like both, sometimes it's absolute death, sometimes I'm alive. By alive I mean staring at the wall, biting my cuticles, wishing life was different.

**It is what it is *

**Ukhona but You took her away **

“Where's Lwam?” my reaction to torn apart screaming women. There she was flying like an eagle over You .“She's at it again ” I thought. “Lwam Stop it!” I exclaimed...Who was I kidding because ukhona but You took her away.

In just one blink of an eye, one flip of a coin, You took her with but she's still around. Your friends, yes the one with the siren ,and the one who transports man in blue uniform. They came to your rescue, as usual.

Blood , that was blood right? I'm not surprised, you had hit her so hard that she flew like a bird,and fell back on the tar road. Now your friends couldn't undress her. They had to tear her favourite dress, .

Well mom? Mom and aunt Pinda were kneeling helplessly, their hands shaking ,lips trembling , tears down their cheeks this was all because you took her but she is still around .

Me, I have no world. I watched it flash before my eyes. I watched it laying there helplessly .Yes It has come to an end.This was the first cut, it was indeed the deepest.

Honestly, I pray once a day, before I go to bed and then only. But when you took her, when she tried to breathe for, mom ,Pinda ,herself and I, I was conversing with God.

I had opened up my not so pure heart to him and begged for her life. A life full of love and laughter, a life of unnecessary drama and 2 seconds fights, a life I didn't want to lose. I wasn't ready to lose.

I had a huge lump in my throat? But hey I knew God, I know him still. I trusted him as much as I do now. He couldn't let me suffer the pain of losing my everything, because he knew that all I needed was nothing but a little sister.

Well done. Ukhona but You took her away. Oh yes she made it out alive. Four months away from her felt like I've never been with her before, I missed her so much like I've never met her. I ate after being shouted at for at least 4 times, because eating wasn't fun without her and Pinda and mom didn't get it.

Ukhona but You took her away. Well done. She's still my little sister, she's still alive but you took her away. I don't know if I can but I want to accept and forgive that you left her mentally ill.

I want to forgive,but you took her away. I want to vent to her, her to vent to me . I want to kick the boy who broke her heart. I want to make huge life decisions with her,I want her to be everything she once was and more. I want to see her work as an electrical engineer ,that was her dream. Still is. But because you took her away. It'll only be a dream and I'll always want what I can't have.

But at least. At least I know her love is unconditional. I know I'm her everything as she's mine. I love her as much as she loves me, and maybe I shouldn't want all these but warmly receive the love she's giving me whole heartedly.

You took her away but she's still my sister.

**Ukhona but You took her away **

POVERTY

POVERTY is best described as some general scarcity or the state of one who lacks a certain amount of material possessions or money. It is a multifaceted concept, which includes social, economic, and political elements. Absolute poverty or destitution refers to the lack of means necessary to meet basic needs such as food, clothing and shelter*

This definition is thus far one of the best definitions I've best understood. Fair enough .

*Now let me ask you this

Wouldn't you find lack of love, affection, emotional security, being emotionally unavailable, inability to love as~~POVERTY ~~?

If you wouldn't, go through this with me.

He'd say “I love you ” every once in what felt like a decade or two. I'd forget how it feels to hear someone say such profound words genuinely.

I'd try to make him say or orather I'd say it every now and then so I could hear him say it back but he wouldn't. Well I thought he'd show at at least .But hey who was I kidding ?

He'd tell me he was too busy to call or text me back instead. Everyday. Everyday. That was how much he loved me. That was his affection.

Sometimes I didn't love myself enough that I'd text knowing he won't text back. I'd call knowing he won't pick up or rather explain to me why he couldn't. I'd literally beg for his attention in all possible ways, attention I never received. I begged for love I never received.

This ate me up. Think about emotional security! It made me feel like some lifeless teenager who longed for nothing but to be loved by a boy. It made me weak as a woman. At times it would make me feel like I wasn't woman enough to receive love.

Well I thought I needed to woman up and leave, go look for love, affection and to be emotionally secure. I thought it would be that easy and it wasn't.

Turned out I was so used to be under loved and unappreciated that I didn't respond to real love and affection. I was emotionally unavailable. I tried ,I really tried to condition my new life for this overwhelming love but I failed. I was truly hungry for love, I craved for it like a coke addict craved coke. It was there all along though. I couldn't handle it.

Now that I was failing to receive as a recipient, I decided I should give it maybe and just maybe I would be able to receive it. Well turned out I didn't know how to love either, or nobody taught me how to love. .

I guess there are kinds of poverty. Each kind has a bad impact upon your life, and each kind teaches you a lesson or two.

It is okay to have your pain scrolling down your cheeks in liquid form .

It is beautiful to smile from ear to ear. It is okay to walk around like you're carrying the world's weight on your shoulders. It is pretty cool that today you feel like it is the end of the world.

But most importantly, it is okay that tomorrow is a beautiful day, that you must greet it with a smile or a big grin while your happiness is represented by the rainbow in your eyes.

Everything is okay.

#Love

Growing up,I thought love should hurt so you'd know it's real.It should rip you apart . I thought you should fight for a spot to prove just how much you love a person .

Today I know that love isn't all these things
It doesn't hurt, it shouldn't hurt.Should it hurt, it is everything but love. You don't have to fight for a spot because you're the spot.

Should you feel like you're are loved any less, hurt and fight more then darling oh darling go out there and find nothing but love.

Ever felt like all you need is only one person and that person only for the rest of your life?

Conversation between myself #before15 and #After15 [05/21, 19:30] Balungile: Hey [05/21, 19:31] Troy: Balungile [05/21, 19:36] Balungile: How the fuck are you? [05/21, 19:37] Troy: I'm super dope dude? How are you? [05/21, 19:38] Balungile: I'm perfectly fine . I miss you 😞 [05/21, 19:39] Troy: I miss you too.Will I ever see you again? [05/21, 19:41] Balungile: You would, had it been easy to burry bruises. Mend the heart. Now all that is impossible.

I have changed. I don't laugh, talk or smile the same. A lot has happened. Ever since you left. [05/21, 19:43] Troy: Well I could come back, you know? [05/21, 19:45] Balungile: Would you unbruise my soul? Unbreak my heart? I don't think so.

Look I did this to my self. [05/21, 19:48] Troy: I know I wouldn't be able to undo everything, I just want to be there for you. Take care of your bruises. I shouldn't have left cause just maybe. Maybe you would've remained the same wouldn't you? [05/21, 19:54] Balungile: Well maybe ,maybe not. I'm uncertain. And you know how uncertainty causes confusion .

See I pushed you away because I thought I could handle everything. I thought .Love would forever be all that glitters, unaware that, not all that glitters is gold.

I should have kept you. For ever. But I wanted to experience. To love and to be loved back. And you , you tried to stop me from doing so. Which is why I understand only today that you meant well.

I didn't get it back then because, because I was young and naive. [05/21, 20:03] Troy: Well I know I tried to warn you, but reading this makes me wish I would have tried harder. But it's okay I guess. Maybe you need to experience everything so you would know what I was right. Maybe not.

What did they do you ? Can you love truly again?

Do you trust the same?

Who is this whole new you, how is she like ? [05/21, 20:04] Troy: Needed ** [05/21, 20:05] Troy: That ** [05/21, 20:06] Troy: You know what? Just forget the typos.

Surely you get the gist. [05/21, 21:28] Balungile: Lol yeah I get it.

Well they did everything they promised not to ever do. They sure broke my heart such that it doesn't break no more, or better yet I'm empty.

Love? Love is dangerous. I have bruises from it or maybe what I have perceived as love. Or what I have had, had been nothing like love. Or isn't love at all. So maybe I don't know what love is. But I know that I did love, and those who received it had glowing beautiful skin in my presence. Their eyes lit the whole room. Their smiles would end wars. I never had any of these, If I did, it lasted for a day or two. So I don't the right way to love or to be loved, that is if there's any.

Trust is playing with fire ,hoping you won't burn when you will. It's tearing your own heart apart. So no I don't trust the same.

The whole new me is cold and empty. Yes she smiles because it is what keeps her going.

She is over protective of herself. And when ever she tries to open up, people endup hurting her. She's forever a victim and she really doesn't pitty herself any more.

She knows that people aren't who they say they are. They think love is all fun and games and can't stand it when it rains .So she fights alone until she doesn't have the energy anymore. [05/21, 21:38] Troy: You know, give yourself time. Time to heal whatever wounds. Love yourself so much that it scares whoever wants to destroy the good person that you are. We all love, differently. We show it differently and when people don't show it like we do, we assume it's not there.

See when you're done loving yourself enough, you'll see who's not good for you miles away .

Now please do me this favor, so I won't regret myself again for leaving you.

Love yourself that no one even yourself Will be able to take advantage of you.

As I stick to the lane you sent me to. I miss you. But I know that now you're big enough to take care of yourself. I love you. [05/21, 21:47] Balungile: Well I love you even more. I have always missed you. I doubt if I'll ever stop.

This is the most important advice. I've had people, friends and family but they've never told me something this important. They never really taught me this. Self love. All my family told me was “you're too young to be in a relationship, and never told me the right age or and what to expect from a relationship.

Popular line from my friends is “life goes on ” which is true but you can't really go on without getting over the pain first.

I appreciate you. And thank you. For everything.

“Don't let it get to you”, they say like it's that easy.

“Don't let it get to you”, they say like it's that easy.