Owam

Thank you for checking out my blog.Thison blog isn't about my life or any evento thathe may have occurred in my life .Browse through and enjoy? .

Depression got me by the horns.

Depression got me by the horns.

To cut the story short, I survived everything. And today, today I am happy with the crumbs of bread I own ,willing and happy to share with anyone in need. -Degree Obtained

To cut the story short, I survived everything. And today, today I am happy with the crumbs of bread I own ,willing and happy to share with anyone in need. -Degree Obtained

It is said that, “in some places, death is a way of life ” .So as heart breaking as it was to have to experience life without mom, we had to accept and go on for we believed that she was and is in a better place. And perhaps dad also saw that there was no life in here hence he died when I was only 3 years old.He knew that we were strong enough to make it out alive with out him. The world really needs men who believe that women are strong and can conquer and achieve anything like dad did.Having so much faith in a 3 year old and an unemployed woman really requires a believer, something dad was and more. I sure don't know much about him but this the only thing he left me to hold onto. And as far as my faith is concerned, I'm still to hold on tight. It's is the main reason why I still breathe effortlessly, for if it wasn't for it. I would have died too.

Well mom didn't share much with us about our fathers and stuff, which wasn't really a problem then because we had her and she was able to provide everything we needed. And that is until this day, we know not who Enkosi's father lives or have any contact with him. Which isn't really a problem. Our uncles are out father figures .We wouldn't say we missed out on father's love for we believe that it is quiet hard to miss someone you've never met, it's more heart breaking than missing the one you know. You got to imagine impossible staff and impossible personality. So we couldn't allow ourselves to go through that, we went through a lot already. After mom's death, life wasn't perfect but not too bad. Our family (aunts, uncles and granny's )took very good care of us. Yes we did miss mom at times ,we still do cause it is bound to happen. It used to hurt a lot back then, but now I guess it is kind of true when they say, times heals .Or maybe it isn't time that heals but first accepting stuff and that at the end of day it is going to be alright. God's plans are always perfect .You get over the pain not the person.

I did very well at school. I tried my best not to fail for I wouldn't want to discourage people who helped me with my school uniform tuition and all. Enkosi on the other hand was attending at a special school because of her condition. At first there was little progress, but as time went by progress dropped a bit by bit but she still had to attend so staying home the whole year won't depress her. Well as much as I was so focused at school, forced to grow up and take responsibility I got distracted. Not in a manner that stood in my school's progress though but in a manner that makes me wish I didn't allow the distraction .

What shocked me was, I always thought I wouldn't take that route up until I was 21 ,well at least I madeba promise to myself. I broke it and at first, I didn't care but at the end of the day I had thousand regrets but hey, I took it as a lesson learned, not as a regret anymore.

Here is what went down. I had someone sweep me off my feet, made my palms sweaty.He made my knees weak, gave me goosebumps, or I bet I felt the whole zoo in my stomach. I couldn't stop thinking about him. This is when I knew that I was in trouble, being in love is being in trouble. Well at 15 ,it was being in trouble. How can something so beautiful be trouble? yes I had asked myself the exact question.I was not allowed to have a boyfriend at that age, in fact my family and I bet each and every family prefers marriage instead.Well that huge step was still afar.

Was the person I was in love with in love with me though? Did I give him the same weird feelings he gave me? Oh yes, well at first I'd say. He's the one who had the gut to ask me out so that should mean something. He's the one who keeps on asking to see me when I'm not busy. Now could all this for nothing, I mean he could do better things or find someone else than wasting my time, our time.

What did I know about love anyway? Well when it comes to love, everyone is a child, I guess I was a newborn .And so I went with the flow .

Langa studied in Capetown, he came home during holidays. See? he was handsome more than the boys in my school, even though I never paid attention to one or eyed any. This was his first advantage and we knew that we would spend little time together so our families wouldn't notice anything. What was I doing? getting in a long distance relationship, when I've never been in any relationship before? Well this is an example of living and capturing the moment.Instead of worrying about tomorrow. I knew I had loved people in my life, but this was no ordinary love, it was first love indeed. Never had so much pleasure in loving someone. Regardless of the distance that would be between us when schools open.

I found pleasure even in sneaking out to meet up with him next to our favorite oak tree. Love changed me, I learned how to lie in 3 seconds, without someone teaching me how. Love is dangerous. I remember this one time, it was a bit late and Langa was going to head back to Capetown the following day so he suggested that we meet at our favorite spot .Knowing my mom's aunt, whom I called grandma was going to question me, I lied. I told her I had a stomach bug and that I had to go to the toilet, which is of course outside. Well I really went out, stayed with Langa for quite a while .It was when he kissed me, kissed me for the very first time when I decided it was time to go home. Not that I mad at him for kissing me but, it was because I knew that if I stayed we'd kiss till dawn.So we went our separate ways. Goodbyes are sad, even sadder when the person you are saying goodbye to will be miles away from you and you haven't had enough Of the person. Well when I got home, I had to lie again and say, I was un easy, felt dizzy and puked even, hence I came back after a while. I hope she bought my story, knowing how clever she is. Nothing can ever be faster as that night, even though I tried by all means to stay up so I could replay Instead of worrying about tomorrow. I knew I had loved people in my life, but this was no ordinary love, it was first love indeed. Never had so much pleasure in loving someone. Regardless of the distance that would be between us when schools open.

I found pleasure even in sneaking out to meet up with him next to our favorite oak tree. Love changed me, I learned how to lie in 3 seconds, without someone teaching me how. Love is dangerous. I remember this one time, it was a bit late and Langa was going to head back to Capetown the following day so he suggested that we meet at our favorite spot .Knowing my mom's aunt, whom I called grandma was going to question me, I lied. I told her I had a stomach bug and that I had to go to the toilet, which is of course outside. Well I really went out, stayed with Langa for quite a while .It was when he kissed me, kissed me for the very first time when I decided it was time to go home. Not that I mad at him for kissing me but, it was because I knew that if I stayed we'd kiss till dawn.So we went our separate ways. Goodbyes are sad, even sadder when the person you are saying goodbye to will be miles away from you and you haven't had enough Of the person. Well when I got home, I had to lie again and say, I was un easy, felt dizzy and puked even, hence I came back after a while. I hope she bought my story, knowing how clever she is. Nothing can ever be faster as that night, even though I tried by all means to stay up so I could replay

the kiss, well It was as if I still felt his fresh breath and ice cold lips on mine. I felt the goosebumps over and over. I kept replaying this moment until I dozed off.

I wasn't going to see him that morning. So he sent me an SMS. He told me how much he adores me and how much leaving me behind was heart wrenching for him but he had to study anyway. I was sad but oh well we had to live our lives apart for important reasons.

So he left. You know how time flies? how it changes people? How people tend to forget others? Yes that's what happened. Langa called and texted less up to no calling and texting at all. I kept on trying to call him, texting him as usual ,but that never brought things back to normal. As I hoped it would. This went on and on, but I didn't mind much .But that's what love does to you, you love them with their flaws. For a second, I thought the amount of love I had for him would make him stay. I hoped the little affection I tried to show would make him love me. Little did I know that each time, I showed him love, I pushed him away, each time I sent him a text, I sent him away further. I guess when you love him he becomes unattracted to you...

It was holidays again when he came back home. I was happy. I had hoped that us seeing each other would make him fall for me all over again.But you know what? I got dumped. Sad hey? well not as sad as how it happened.

It was after a little misunderstanding ,when I got a messageThat read “This is not working, let's take a break ” ... My heart sank, I was shocked and indenial. I sent him a message back, disagreeing to to what he said. I didn't want to lose him. I wasn't ready. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I couldn't remember how being single felt like, I didn't remember how it was not to love someone. All I wanted to do was to love him with all that I had. But he didn't allow me. He denied me the chance.. It is true, the first cut is the deepest. I've never been hurt so much in my life. I cried my eyes out. I felt the kind of pain that made me wish I could just die. I couldn't take it. I didn't deserve to feel that way.I was angry at myself too. I realized that love doesn't hurt, it shouldn't. People who claim to love you shouldn't hurt you, not in the name of love. They are supposed to love you back to life. If you're hurt, they are supposed to be the one to help you heal, kiss your wounds. You know what he said? he said we can always be friends. I have more friends, enough friends. I didn't want him to be my friend but my boyfriend. But to have him close. I had to allow the friendship. But we never became close. We became distant instead. I lost him anyway. I believe I had tried to secure him but you know, you can take a horse to the river but you cannot force it to drink.

It took me 3 years to heal from the breakup. Well by “break ” he was trying to sugarcoat the breakup. I doubt if one could need a break fromone they dearly love.

How about you leave my Facebook and phone passwords out ? What if we would just pretend we didn't see the profile pictures and statuses directed to someone named “her” . I mean the I miss “her” .i love “her” . What bad would happen if we could take what we're given? And if we feel it's not enough, we pack our sacks and go .And stop stirring up arguments .

How about going with the flow? We love same music genre right? We've got the same taste in music! What if we don't? What happens then? Do you introduce me to your taste? Or do you step on my toes on some “you have a bad taste in music ” Do you belittle me like that, or you choose to educate me?

And if you ask me about this movie, which happens to be a decade or two old, and I tell you, I tell you that I've never watched it . Are you going to find me slow? Is that what lovers do?
Don't they hype each other? And if I prefer Macaroni, while you love sushi, am I of a low class to you? So now love know classes? Too bad.

And If I tell you I love you and you only, why is it that we're argue about the guy who wants me, a guy I don't want? Why is he a part of our life now? I mean what if you told me how beautiful my black eyes are, how an art my smile is, how my giggle gives you butterflies? Instead of looking for fights, unnecessary fights.

Remember love letters? What happened to those? I'd like to read something in your hand writing. Can you send me an sms ? Instead of asking me about my last seen on whatsapp? Send me an sms ,remind me of the very first time we kissed, I swear I'd blush forever.

What if we focused on our love instead and forget about the rest. Last night'syou told me I'm beautiful, when my beauty fades, what's going to become of me? An ex to you?
I know I have the worst voice, and you hate it, but what if it's my super power? Maybe if it wasn't for it we wouldn't be in this relationship, and you are unaware of that.

Will you care to tell me when your feelings have changed? Because that I can take. Please do not make me a laughing stock and go cup someone's breast behind my back, can you not taste the warmth of their lips whilst you tell me you love me?
Just go love them instead?

Am I asking for too much? Is that why you frown at my texts sometimes? Is that why you make me question your love for me? Should I apologise? I'm sad that I can't apologise, I'd rather have you lose me than to lower my standards. Seems like I'm too big for you.

Oh my intellect? I love it when you compliment me on that. Yours is amazing too. You're a genius.

“It's the little things that matter” , they say. Little things like posting on my time line ? Commenting with fire emojis on my pictures? What if I don't fall for that? What if I want the big things? Ask me if I ate, what did I do to get close to achieving my goals a certain day?why is it that I hate failing? What is it that it does to my self esteem, why did I choose this career path, do I want to relocate? Why? To where? Why that place particularly? Ask me about my family,are they okay? Ask me about my emotions, understand that a week before my period I'm an emotional wreck , I explode, and sometimes I cry my eyes out for absolutely nothing .Understand that I love my space, I love you, so much but I love listening to silence , in the absence of your heart beat.

Know something, know that you make my heart race . Know something more than that, that before you make me happy, I make myself happy, so when you decide to pack and leave, you won't leave me homeless. Happiness is my home. I don't live there more often, but whenever I do, I make the most of it .

Here's what you should take with you everyday, love me and my flaws, my effortless giggle, love my soul, love my heart back to life, love me. Don't tell me you love me because I'm beautiful and thoroughly shaped, we will fight. That is lust , I don't need that.

What if we actually lived and loved. Would it hurt?

How about you leave my Facebook and phone passwords out ? What if we would just pretend we didn't see the profile pictures and statuses directed to someone named “her” . I mean the I miss “her” .i love “her” . What bad would happen if we could take what we're given? And if we feel it's not enough, we pack our sacks and go .And stop stirring up arguments .

How about going with the flow? We love same music genre right? We've got the same taste in music! What if we don't? What happens then? Do you introduce me to your taste? Or do you step on my toes on some “you have a bad taste in music ” Do you belittle me like that, or you choose to educate me?

And if you ask me about this movie, which happens to be a decade or two old, and I tell you, I tell you that I've never watched it . Are you going to find me slow? Is that what lovers do?
Don't they hype each other? And if I prefer Macaroni, while you love sushi, am I of a low class to you? So now love know classes? Too bad.

And If I tell you I love you and you only, why is it that we're argue about the guy who wants me, a guy I don't want? Why is he a part of our life now? I mean what if you told me how beautiful my black eyes are, how an art my smile is, how my giggle gives you butterflies? Instead of looking for fights, unnecessary fights.

Remember love letters? What happened to those? I'd like to read something in your hand writing. Can you send me an sms ? Instead of asking me about my last seen on whatsapp? Send me an sms ,remind me of the very first time we kissed, I swear I'd blush forever.

What if we focused on our love instead and forget about the rest. Last night'syou told me I'm beautiful, when my beauty fades, what's going to become of me? An ex to you?
I know I have the worst voice, and you hate it, but what if it's my super power? Maybe if it wasn't for it we wouldn't be in this relationship, and you are unaware of that.

Will you care to tell me when your feelings have changed? Because that I can take. Please do not make me a laughing stock and go cup someone's breast behind my back, can you not taste the warmth of their lips whilst you tell me you love me?
Just go love them instead?

Am I asking for too much? Is that why you frown at my texts sometimes? Is that why you make me question your love for me? Should I apologise? I'm sad that I can't apologise, I'd rather have you lose me than to lower my standards. Seems like I'm too big for you.

Oh my intellect? I love it when you compliment me on that. Yours is amazing too. You're a genius.

“It's the little things that matter” , they say. Little things like posting on my time line ? Commenting with fire emojis on my pictures? What if I don't fall for that? What if I want the big things? Ask me if I ate, what did I do to get close to achieving my goals a certain day?why is it that I hate failing? What is it that it does to my self esteem, why did I choose this career path, do I want to relocate? Why? To where? Why that place particularly? Ask me about my family,are they okay? Ask me about my emotions, understand that a week before my period I'm an emotional wreck , I explode, and sometimes I cry my eyes out for absolutely nothing .Understand that I love my space, I love you, so much but I love listening to silence , in the absence of your heart beat.

Know something, know that you make my heart race . Know something more than that, that before you make me happy, I make myself happy, so when you decide to pack and leave, you won't leave me homeless. Happiness is my home. I don't live there more often, but whenever I do, I make the most of it .

Here's what you should take with you everyday, love me and my flaws, my effortless giggle, love my soul, love my heart back to life, love me. Don't tell me you love me because I'm beautiful and thoroughly shaped, we will fight. That is lust , I don't need that.

What if we actually lived and loved. Would it hurt?

**It is what it is **

Well sometimes like today, like most days. I feel like I'm dead already . What if I'm really dead already? What if I died maybe long time ago? let's say at 15 when life seemed like gold, it was all that glitters.

You know being dead is like being stupid, when you're dead ,You're unaware of the situation except for the people around you.

Maybe I'm not dead, maybe I am . Well sometimes, sometimes when I can't find logic .When I can't figure stuff out, I come to terms with my death, I fully accept that I am dead.

Sometimes I'd try to reach out to people, but they wouldn't come through for me. Which means I'm actually dead and the universe is trying to alert me, but, but I'm in denial .

I'd tell people I miss them but they would ignore me , again the universe would try to warn me. It would tell me “ you can't tell people you miss them, they can't hear you, hence it seems like they are ignoring you. You're dead “

Okay so, I'm not in heaven, definitely not in hell. Well they say in heaven, there's no pain ,no sorrow, no worries. And in hell, well they fry you up. Well I guess I'm waiting for the judgement day around the universe. Because yes I've had my share of sorrows, and they haven't fried me, so ,so I'm still around you guys. Around but dead, I'm not a ghost though but I am dead, maybe I'm not dead.

Even though I'm dead,I still have emotions, well If cold and empty are to be described as emotions then ,cold and empty it is .My heart is one hollow space, I guess that is how dead people are supposed to feel.

I guess the losses and rejections killed me, well those were powerful weapons when I was still alive. They'd suffocate me every now and then.If they'd come for me today, I'd win. I'd win because they have killed me already, now they can't do it twice.

Depression, well I used to talk to that guy, we'd fight for hours, days and weeks without people knowing .He'd strangle me, 2-4 fists on my face, oh my heart would sink to my stomach . He'd call me names, like “useless “, “weak” and how unworthy I am of people's love. He'd win because he was honest about on thing, which is, I was weak.

Today, I'm sure he's fighting with someone else because I'm dead, maybe not. If he's fighting with you, I'm sending love and light your way. Tell him you're stronger than him, that you're a warrior, he cannot defeat you. Do not be as weak as I was. If you believe in God, I'm an angel sent to tell you this. If you believe in ancestors, then your ancestors have sent me to you. Because I am dead, maybe not.

Sometimes in death too, there are better days, where you just lay there without worrying about life problems .You don't have the life, you can't possibly have problems when you dead and living.

This is confusing. It is what it is. I am dead. I am alive. Sometimes it feels like both, sometimes it's absolute death, sometimes I'm alive. By alive I mean staring at the wall, biting my cuticles, wishing life was different.

**It is what it is *

**Ukhona but You took her away **

“Where's Lwam?” my reaction to torn apart screaming women. There she was flying like an eagle over You .“She's at it again ” I thought. “Lwam Stop it!” I exclaimed...Who was I kidding because ukhona but You took her away.

In just one blink of an eye, one flip of a coin, You took her with but she's still around. Your friends, yes the one with the siren ,and the one who transports man in blue uniform. They came to your rescue, as usual.

Blood , that was blood right? I'm not surprised, you had hit her so hard that she flew like a bird,and fell back on the tar road. Now your friends couldn't undress her. They had to tear her favourite dress, .

Well mom? Mom and aunt Pinda were kneeling helplessly, their hands shaking ,lips trembling , tears down their cheeks this was all because you took her but she is still around .

Me, I have no world. I watched it flash before my eyes. I watched it laying there helplessly .Yes It has come to an end.This was the first cut, it was indeed the deepest.

Honestly, I pray once a day, before I go to bed and then only. But when you took her, when she tried to breathe for, mom ,Pinda ,herself and I, I was conversing with God.

I had opened up my not so pure heart to him and begged for her life. A life full of love and laughter, a life of unnecessary drama and 2 seconds fights, a life I didn't want to lose. I wasn't ready to lose.

I had a huge lump in my throat? But hey I knew God, I know him still. I trusted him as much as I do now. He couldn't let me suffer the pain of losing my everything, because he knew that all I needed was nothing but a little sister.

Well done. Ukhona but You took her away. Oh yes she made it out alive. Four months away from her felt like I've never been with her before, I missed her so much like I've never met her. I ate after being shouted at for at least 4 times, because eating wasn't fun without her and Pinda and mom didn't get it.

Ukhona but You took her away. Well done. She's still my little sister, she's still alive but you took her away. I don't know if I can but I want to accept and forgive that you left her mentally ill.

I want to forgive,but you took her away. I want to vent to her, her to vent to me . I want to kick the boy who broke her heart. I want to make huge life decisions with her,I want her to be everything she once was and more. I want to see her work as an electrical engineer ,that was her dream. Still is. But because you took her away. It'll only be a dream and I'll always want what I can't have.

But at least. At least I know her love is unconditional. I know I'm her everything as she's mine. I love her as much as she loves me, and maybe I shouldn't want all these but warmly receive the love she's giving me whole heartedly.

You took her away but she's still my sister.

**Ukhona but You took her away **

POVERTY

POVERTY is best described as some general scarcity or the state of one who lacks a certain amount of material possessions or money. It is a multifaceted concept, which includes social, economic, and political elements. Absolute poverty or destitution refers to the lack of means necessary to meet basic needs such as food, clothing and shelter*

This definition is thus far one of the best definitions I've best understood. Fair enough .

*Now let me ask you this

Wouldn't you find lack of love, affection, emotional security, being emotionally unavailable, inability to love as~~POVERTY ~~?

If you wouldn't, go through this with me.

He'd say “I love you ” every once in what felt like a decade or two. I'd forget how it feels to hear someone say such profound words genuinely.

I'd try to make him say or orather I'd say it every now and then so I could hear him say it back but he wouldn't. Well I thought he'd show at at least .But hey who was I kidding ?

He'd tell me he was too busy to call or text me back instead. Everyday. Everyday. That was how much he loved me. That was his affection.

Sometimes I didn't love myself enough that I'd text knowing he won't text back. I'd call knowing he won't pick up or rather explain to me why he couldn't. I'd literally beg for his attention in all possible ways, attention I never received. I begged for love I never received.

This ate me up. Think about emotional security! It made me feel like some lifeless teenager who longed for nothing but to be loved by a boy. It made me weak as a woman. At times it would make me feel like I wasn't woman enough to receive love.

Well I thought I needed to woman up and leave, go look for love, affection and to be emotionally secure. I thought it would be that easy and it wasn't.

Turned out I was so used to be under loved and unappreciated that I didn't respond to real love and affection. I was emotionally unavailable. I tried ,I really tried to condition my new life for this overwhelming love but I failed. I was truly hungry for love, I craved for it like a coke addict craved coke. It was there all along though. I couldn't handle it.

Now that I was failing to receive as a recipient, I decided I should give it maybe and just maybe I would be able to receive it. Well turned out I didn't know how to love either, or nobody taught me how to love. .

I guess there are kinds of poverty. Each kind has a bad impact upon your life, and each kind teaches you a lesson or two.