It is said that, “in some places, death is a way of life ” .So as heart breaking as it was to have to experience life without mom, we had to accept and go on for we believed that she was and is in a better place. And perhaps dad also saw that there was no life in here hence he died when I was only 3 years old.He knew that we were strong enough to make it out alive with out him. The world really needs men who believe that women are strong and can conquer and achieve anything like dad did.Having so much faith in a 3 year old and an unemployed woman really requires a believer, something dad was and more. I sure don't know much about him but this the only thing he left me to hold onto. And as far as my faith is concerned, I'm still to hold on tight. It's is the main reason why I still breathe effortlessly, for if it wasn't for it. I would have died too.

Well mom didn't share much with us about our fathers and stuff, which wasn't really a problem then because we had her and she was able to provide everything we needed. And that is until this day, we know not who Enkosi's father lives or have any contact with him. Which isn't really a problem. Our uncles are out father figures .We wouldn't say we missed out on father's love for we believe that it is quiet hard to miss someone you've never met, it's more heart breaking than missing the one you know. You got to imagine impossible staff and impossible personality. So we couldn't allow ourselves to go through that, we went through a lot already. After mom's death, life wasn't perfect but not too bad. Our family (aunts, uncles and granny's )took very good care of us. Yes we did miss mom at times ,we still do cause it is bound to happen. It used to hurt a lot back then, but now I guess it is kind of true when they say, times heals .Or maybe it isn't time that heals but first accepting stuff and that at the end of day it is going to be alright. God's plans are always perfect .You get over the pain not the person.

I did very well at school. I tried my best not to fail for I wouldn't want to discourage people who helped me with my school uniform tuition and all. Enkosi on the other hand was attending at a special school because of her condition. At first there was little progress, but as time went by progress dropped a bit by bit but she still had to attend so staying home the whole year won't depress her. Well as much as I was so focused at school, forced to grow up and take responsibility I got distracted. Not in a manner that stood in my school's progress though but in a manner that makes me wish I didn't allow the distraction .

What shocked me was, I always thought I wouldn't take that route up until I was 21 ,well at least I madeba promise to myself. I broke it and at first, I didn't care but at the end of the day I had thousand regrets but hey, I took it as a lesson learned, not as a regret anymore.

Here is what went down. I had someone sweep me off my feet, made my palms sweaty.He made my knees weak, gave me goosebumps, or I bet I felt the whole zoo in my stomach. I couldn't stop thinking about him. This is when I knew that I was in trouble, being in love is being in trouble. Well at 15 ,it was being in trouble. How can something so beautiful be trouble? yes I had asked myself the exact question.I was not allowed to have a boyfriend at that age, in fact my family and I bet each and every family prefers marriage instead.Well that huge step was still afar.

Was the person I was in love with in love with me though? Did I give him the same weird feelings he gave me? Oh yes, well at first I'd say. He's the one who had the gut to ask me out so that should mean something. He's the one who keeps on asking to see me when I'm not busy. Now could all this for nothing, I mean he could do better things or find someone else than wasting my time, our time.

What did I know about love anyway? Well when it comes to love, everyone is a child, I guess I was a newborn .And so I went with the flow .

Langa studied in Capetown, he came home during holidays. See? he was handsome more than the boys in my school, even though I never paid attention to one or eyed any. This was his first advantage and we knew that we would spend little time together so our families wouldn't notice anything. What was I doing? getting in a long distance relationship, when I've never been in any relationship before? Well this is an example of living and capturing the moment.Instead of worrying about tomorrow. I knew I had loved people in my life, but this was no ordinary love, it was first love indeed. Never had so much pleasure in loving someone. Regardless of the distance that would be between us when schools open.

I found pleasure even in sneaking out to meet up with him next to our favorite oak tree. Love changed me, I learned how to lie in 3 seconds, without someone teaching me how. Love is dangerous. I remember this one time, it was a bit late and Langa was going to head back to Capetown the following day so he suggested that we meet at our favorite spot .Knowing my mom's aunt, whom I called grandma was going to question me, I lied. I told her I had a stomach bug and that I had to go to the toilet, which is of course outside. Well I really went out, stayed with Langa for quite a while .It was when he kissed me, kissed me for the very first time when I decided it was time to go home. Not that I mad at him for kissing me but, it was because I knew that if I stayed we'd kiss till dawn.So we went our separate ways. Goodbyes are sad, even sadder when the person you are saying goodbye to will be miles away from you and you haven't had enough Of the person. Well when I got home, I had to lie again and say, I was un easy, felt dizzy and puked even, hence I came back after a while. I hope she bought my story, knowing how clever she is. Nothing can ever be faster as that night, even though I tried by all means to stay up so I could replay Instead of worrying about tomorrow. I knew I had loved people in my life, but this was no ordinary love, it was first love indeed. Never had so much pleasure in loving someone. Regardless of the distance that would be between us when schools open.

I found pleasure even in sneaking out to meet up with him next to our favorite oak tree. Love changed me, I learned how to lie in 3 seconds, without someone teaching me how. Love is dangerous. I remember this one time, it was a bit late and Langa was going to head back to Capetown the following day so he suggested that we meet at our favorite spot .Knowing my mom's aunt, whom I called grandma was going to question me, I lied. I told her I had a stomach bug and that I had to go to the toilet, which is of course outside. Well I really went out, stayed with Langa for quite a while .It was when he kissed me, kissed me for the very first time when I decided it was time to go home. Not that I mad at him for kissing me but, it was because I knew that if I stayed we'd kiss till dawn.So we went our separate ways. Goodbyes are sad, even sadder when the person you are saying goodbye to will be miles away from you and you haven't had enough Of the person. Well when I got home, I had to lie again and say, I was un easy, felt dizzy and puked even, hence I came back after a while. I hope she bought my story, knowing how clever she is. Nothing can ever be faster as that night, even though I tried by all means to stay up so I could replay

the kiss, well It was as if I still felt his fresh breath and ice cold lips on mine. I felt the goosebumps over and over. I kept replaying this moment until I dozed off.

I wasn't going to see him that morning. So he sent me an SMS. He told me how much he adores me and how much leaving me behind was heart wrenching for him but he had to study anyway. I was sad but oh well we had to live our lives apart for important reasons.

So he left. You know how time flies? how it changes people? How people tend to forget others? Yes that's what happened. Langa called and texted less up to no calling and texting at all. I kept on trying to call him, texting him as usual ,but that never brought things back to normal. As I hoped it would. This went on and on, but I didn't mind much .But that's what love does to you, you love them with their flaws. For a second, I thought the amount of love I had for him would make him stay. I hoped the little affection I tried to show would make him love me. Little did I know that each time, I showed him love, I pushed him away, each time I sent him a text, I sent him away further. I guess when you love him he becomes unattracted to you...

It was holidays again when he came back home. I was happy. I had hoped that us seeing each other would make him fall for me all over again.But you know what? I got dumped. Sad hey? well not as sad as how it happened.

It was after a little misunderstanding ,when I got a messageThat read “This is not working, let's take a break ” ... My heart sank, I was shocked and indenial. I sent him a message back, disagreeing to to what he said. I didn't want to lose him. I wasn't ready. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I couldn't remember how being single felt like, I didn't remember how it was not to love someone. All I wanted to do was to love him with all that I had. But he didn't allow me. He denied me the chance.. It is true, the first cut is the deepest. I've never been hurt so much in my life. I cried my eyes out. I felt the kind of pain that made me wish I could just die. I couldn't take it. I didn't deserve to feel that way.I was angry at myself too. I realized that love doesn't hurt, it shouldn't. People who claim to love you shouldn't hurt you, not in the name of love. They are supposed to love you back to life. If you're hurt, they are supposed to be the one to help you heal, kiss your wounds. You know what he said? he said we can always be friends. I have more friends, enough friends. I didn't want him to be my friend but my boyfriend. But to have him close. I had to allow the friendship. But we never became close. We became distant instead. I lost him anyway. I believe I had tried to secure him but you know, you can take a horse to the river but you cannot force it to drink.

It took me 3 years to heal from the breakup. Well by “break ” he was trying to sugarcoat the breakup. I doubt if one could need a break fromone they dearly love.