West Toward Eden

Is this thing on?

Rising Action

I don’t know about you, dear reader, but when I set upon reading a book – it is a rare book indeed that kicks off with the climax. In Media Res is one thing, picking up in the midst of the action and following the intrepid hero through a great battle against an enemy with bated breath just begging to see where things go. But, it’s a rare and queer tale that begins atop the mountain with nothing left to do.

So I write now in hopes that my experience can offer some comfort to those who are similar. I hope my tale may resonate with someone out there in such a way to offer comfort – the comfort I’ve needed and found fulfilled in some ways but those ways lacked an immediate, friendly voice.

So imagine this a conversation with yourself, this little series I am going to call West Toward Eden.

So What’s This All About?

To lay things out clear, these are the facts of the case and the dirty details of the blaze that was my life before I write this. I’ve bulleted this for ease of reading.

• I’ve lied about myself to virtually everyone I’ve known for the last 5 or so years. This included my wife and those closest to me.
• I’ve accrued serious financial debt.
• I’ve had about 5 jobs in about so many years, each marked by mediocrity and failure.
• I’ve lived with suicidal thoughts for 10-15 years as I recall it.
• True joy has eluded my grasp on a consistent basis for this time frame.
• Now, I am separated from my wife and my marriage is profoundly changed.
• I am facing a task to pay off serious debt or go bankrupt.
• I am surrounded by relationships in sore need of repair.
• I face my God and my Creator accepting my moral failure as a man, husband, son, friend, Christian, and representative of him.
• I meet with a therapist weekly
• I meet with a psychiatrist biweekly.
• My wife and I seek intensive marriage counseling. 
 Behind me is a shambles and that is what was my life. For a long time, it was dishonest anyway. It wasn’t real. I lived within a hole inside myself, hiding through lies, corrupted by sin.

But, that was the valley. That was Nod. That was east of Eden. Here are a few more truths:

• In my quest to learn how I got here, I’ve discovered mental illness within me.
• I’ve sought resources to understand myself.
• More important than the mental illness or self-realization, I have come face-to-face with my sin and the gravity of it. There’s not a part of my life that was not wilted and ultimately killed by the sin
• I’ve felt the need for my savior more acutely than ever.

And so this is for the Christian who has stumbled. The Christian who has discovered mental illness and who struggles to find a friend. Hopefully the words across this digital page may be a comfort to you out there. And, hopefully we can learn some more about ourselves, our God, and the beauty ahead of us.

Why Write?

For me, I have often felt that writing (or music) are the only two ways I can effectively communicate what it is that I feel. While I am knowingly gifted and comfortable speaking in public situations, I prefer writing because I prefer deliberation.

But why write about this? To get it out and hope that maybe one more honest story catches someone like me before it all goes bad and, that ultimately, the Gospel can grow through this experience of mine.

If nothing else, it is to offer a “listening ear” as best I can for those in moments I rememember.