“Hey you”. The voice came clear across the street. I’d turned to look as a gut reaction and knew then it was a mistake. “Yeah you” it said. “I’m talking to you”. I knew then I’d been spotted. Ever since my release I’d moved around town in a disguise. Hood up, baggy clothes, never visiting the same place twice. Now something was about to happen. From behind a stranger was approaching me with something in his hand. I turned to face him and recognised him instantly. It was Maurice, the brother of the woman I raped. Panic shot through me like a shotgun blast to the chest. For a brief second I froze and in that moment decided the best thing to do was run. I sprinted off in the opposite direction and heard his footsteps break out behind me. “I’m coming for you, you piece of shit” Maurice shouted. It was no use though, he was slower. By the time I’d turned the corner he was already out of sight. I ran on further still until I knew I was safe and checked my bag. The manuscript was still there. “Cunt” I said aloud and a woman on the street looked at me in shock. By the time I made my way home, turning occasionally to see if I was being followed, I was ready to drop. I sank to me feet and sighed, closing my eyes. I was lucky I knew, and I knew that Maurice would not stop.
It was later, whilst watching television that I found myself wondering what could have happened. Doing time in prison teaches you to reflect on events in life that otherwise pass you by. A pen dropped, a name mispronounced. All of these things could add up, if you weren’t careful. If you weren’t careful they’d swallow you whole.
The next day I was out in the garden when a thought struck me; weeding a flower bed of lilies which had recently sprouted I was taking great care not to cause any damage. In the rain, kneeling beside their white petals I thought of all the people in my life that I’d harmed. In my mind I saw their faces and threw down my trough. All of a sudden it was too much. I tried to forget by distracting myself but it was no use. Each face seared itself into my memory like an iron brand and with each one I felt my mind begging for release. I tried to stand but felt myself weak and fell onto the grass with a heavy thud. I could feel my heart beat in my chest slowing and my limbs growing weak. It was only then that I noticed him in the corner. Stood out of sight with a gun, Maurice.