Thoughts 14/5:

What do you see in her? Does she look at you the way I used to? Were you heart strings pulled when both of your fingers accidentally met, like ours used to?

In some ways, she and I are similar. “The writer in me is particular about beginnings and endings”, she said. I guess that answered my longing for closure, which you apparently doesn’t have the capacity to provide.

However, in other ways she is similar to you. The latent activists within both of you could easily ignite a spark, that lasts for a long time. A void which I doubt I would be able to fill...

I saw how you look at her a couple of months ago, that’s how I knew. Those were the gazes that you used to give me. Moments when you could not even restrain yourself from smiling, when you were near me.

My friend said that you’d go to places together and talk until the dead of night. I could not help but wonder, did you bring her to the same places? Would I have encountered both of you, lost at each others gaze, if I were to visit the places you used to take me? Did you have similar discussions? About the future, about marriage, about commitments, about promises, about flowers that grew out of place?

Be careful of contracting diabetes with all that sweet promises,my love.

I guess the thing that hurts me the most is not the fact that you moved on so quickly, almost without a change of breath or the blink of an eye.

Nor it is the fact that you kept all this as a secret from me, alongside other lies that you tell.

But it is the fact that I knew her long before you, and I joked about how nice she is. That you could potentially be with her, at times when i was unavailable. That’s what hurts me the most.

I could not control which words or prayers, that the universe decided to fulfill. It is just dumb luck that those exact words were heard. And since, have became my own personal nightmare every single day.