PD Revelation

[Updated – 6/15/20]

Before returning to fundamentals I want to dovetail on the previous post by saying a little more about immediate or at least short-term benefits of working the Janice Walton-Hadlock (JWH) protocol. While the goal over time is of course to come off pause and completely recover from PD, there are shorter-term benefits along the road to that destination.

The first such benefit I noticed some months ago was that I generally “felt better” after a good session of dialogue. I'm not sure I could, at the time, put my finger on the exact effect. But it was probably some combination of reduced tremor and increased calm and energy.

Recently, I believe I've identified more precisely what is going on. In my case fatigue has been my worst PD symptom. I've been well aware of anxiety too, but hadn't fully connected the two. A few weeks ago, though, following some unusual, problematic events, I found myself experiencing a pronounced rise in anxiety over a couple of days. (Ironically, this did not seem to be a reaction to concerns about the coronavirus, media coverage of which was just beginning to take off at that time. No doubt that didn't help though.)

I went into a session of dialogue with the “other” and, figuring I needed some self-analysis to determine the real cause of the anxiety, asked him what I should talk about. A memory of a tendency arising in interaction with my brother during my adolescence came to mind. I talked through how this tendency surely arose out of a fear, perhaps at base a fear of death (the key emotional element involved in pause). I was able to see how the fear was irrational, that the situation involved did not in fact present any risk of death. Immediately I felt a marked decrease in anxiety which remained after the session. Contemporary events in my life had likely stirred feelings going back to those adolescent circumstances. Unexpectedly, in the weeks since that session I have had significantly less fatigue, my best stretch of decent energy days in a year or more. It seems the anxiety and fatigue are clearly linked.

One day midway through that stretch the fatigue/anxiety returned with some intensity. This time I do believe it was triggered by media coverage of the pandemic. I was again able to move past it with a good session. But it reminded me that the fatigue has a very palpable, anxious quality about it. I described it to my wife as a kind of “crackling fatigue,” the crackling being the anxiety with which the fatigue seems to be laced.

Now that I've clarified the fatigue/anxiety connection for myself, I expect to be able to address fatigue more effectively going forward! If I'm right about the connection, then this is one example of how the JWH approach can have nice symptomatic benefits prior to coming off pause.

I'll report on other symptomatic improvements as it becomes clearer they are lasting changes.

Update – 6/15/20:

A recent experience has provided strong confirmation of this fatigue/anxiety relationship and the fact that neither is just some unavoidable physiological aspect of PD. Both are clearly psychological in nature, highly amenable to psychological intervention in the dialogue with the “other.”

A few days ago, while in the dialogue on a walk, I thought I had had a bit of an insight. JWH describes a realization you might have when following her approach, that the “other” has been keeping you safe all your life. I was mulling that over when it occurred to me that, given my version of the other as everything, he was not just keeping me safe but was, in effect, saving my life every second because, after all, without him I would not be. I had this thought that it was as though he were pulling me back from the brink of death every second. Though I then had a fleeting thought that this was in fact a bit scary, more prominent was the notion that this was a pretty good insight, something that would help me to feel more gratitude.

The next day I woke up feeling terrible. Intense fatigue with a noticeable layer of anxiety. I can't find words to describe the feeling. It is unlike any fatigue I ever experienced prior to PD.

During a session that day I asked the “other” what I should be talking about to address this fatigue. A childhood memory of a friend's birthday party from around age 10 came to mind. For this party we climbed one of the mountains in the Phoenix area. On top, a girl in my class sat on the very edge of the cliff that made up the top of the mountain, her feet hanging over the edge, perhaps 100 feet above the sloping mountainside below. I felt very uncomfortable seeing that, and felt like asking her to move back but didn't want to seem like a scaredy-cat so said nothing. Thinking about this in the session, I could only guess the memory had come up because of something to do with my fear of death. I couldn't quite put my finger on any specifics.

I continued feeling terrible the rest rest of the day. It felt so purely physiological that I could not help but feel dejected, thinking it might just be the result of some inevitable PD progression. Not until I was doing some pre-bedtime yoga did I remember that flickering thought from the day before that my “insight” on the walk might actually have scared me. After all, the thought that one is being pulled back from the brink of death every second is kind of a scary thing!

I began to think it through, talking with the “other” about how I now realized that had been the wrong way to look at it. I said that I realized a part of his very essence was the stability and enduring conditions that allow me to go on living safely without any constant danger of impending death. As I thought it through, going over that idea from a couple of different angles, over the course of perhaps a minute, the fatigue and anxiety completely lifted. I could barely believe it happened so quickly and totally. But it did! I went to bed happy and relieved.

Notice the imagery of the childhood memory, the significance of which I hadn't quite been able to grasp during the session. Is there any better representation of someone being possibly on the brink of death, needing to be pulled back, than the child sitting on the edge of the cliff? I believe it was pointing me straight to the unfortunate “insight” I'd had on the walk!

Now I'm thinking it will be helpful if I can do such brief self analyses less from my head and a little more from my heart. It did work to lift the fatigue, but I believe I could grasp the feelings more deeply if it were bit less heady analysis, more a purely heartfelt conversation with the “other.” I'll be keeping that in mind... err, in my heart!