Hi guys, sorry for the lack of posts. I haven't been in the best place mentally. My mind went to the lowest it possibly could. I've been having suicidal thoughts every day since my last post.
I'm doing better right now. I guess everything was hitting me. I don't like how I look whenever I see myself in the mirror, I don't feel appreciated at work and I feel they're always trying to get me to leave, I'm not sure how I'll balance school and work when I have to be on campus, etc. The depression was so bad it was to the point I was begging God to let me die already. I even begged the negative spirits and the angel of death to come get me and even they wouldn't let me. God kept telling me I can't leave yet because it wasn't my time.
Whenever I see a mirror I avoid it and that's a sign I need to work out more. The older I get the more sensitive I am. If I'm hungry and I starve I get dizzy to the point of passing out. That never was an issue before.
As for work I'll share in another post. It's a long story.
My lover keeps offering to pay for anything I can't afford when it comes to school. It's a sweet gesture but I don't want any help. For the year I was waiting to get into the program I worked my butt off with multiple jobs to save up. My hard work is paying off though because I might not need to get a loan. I only have enough to pay for the classes. The accessories I need to work for.
Through God's grace I will be ok. While thinking of how to write this post I was wondering why God wouldn't let me go already. When I started my car I sat inside and “ Angel by Shaggy” came on. It made me feel so much better! Thank you Jesus!