If tech recruiters were matchmakers
Recruiter: Hi there! How things are going with you and Alex? I see here you have an impressive list of relationships and I am reaching out to you specifically, as we came across your profile and believe you would be an excellent fit for a client of mine.
Candidate: Hi! Well, things are great with me, could you please tell me more about your client?
Recruiter: Do you have time for a quick 2 min call tonight?
Candidate: Well, I have plans – could we chat here instead?
Recruiter: Sure thing. Chris is looking for their new partner. What can I tell about them? Hum, they are new in the industry however they have great advisors from FriendsCombinator and they are well-funded by parents.
Candidate: Cool, could you please tell me more about the benefits of joining the relationship?
Recruiter: Pretty much the usual benefits: casual Fridays, board games, ping pong, beer... oh, the house is pet friendly! Twice a year you have a retreat for team building, ops, family building with their relatives.
Candidate: Sweet, what about health benefits?
Recruiter: Also the usual, don't worry. They have access to good dental providers and mental health experts. My client is very organized, no micromanagement and you'll always have resources to prevent burnout.
Candidate: That's exciting. Could I ask about sex? I mean, I am not sex-driven but this is a very important thing for me and I am looking for something awesome to justify leaving my current place.
Recruiter: My client is very much open and flexible for the right fit. If you agree, would love to set up a video call to discuss the topic. Or you could also share with me your expectations.
Candidate: Wow. Asking about the specifics, could you please clarify the process?
Recruiter: The process is very straightforward. We have an initial call and I introduce you two for each other. From there, there is a technical assignment. You will be asked to write in a whiteboard a recipe of a meal, for example, a 3-course French meal. I see here that you are a Full-stack person and you worked at Mc Donalds during college so this would be fine. Then you have an in-person interview (currently in Zoom) to see you are a good looking fit.
Candidate: Damm that is intense. So, if I pass all the steps of the interview, when could I start?
Recruiter: ASAP. You must start the relationship remotely because of the pandemic but soon you will have to relocate to the headquarters.
Candidate: ...