Happiness.

You don't know me, and I don't know you...that's kind of the point of this whole thing I guess. I am a 33 year old white male from a liberal area in rural Pennsylvania. I was born and raised in a very rural/redneck/non-liberal area in Pennsylvania. My current home is about one hour from my childhood home, and that is the furthest I have ever lived from where I grew up. My parents are still married after 32 years, I had a great childhood. We grew up a little closer to lower class than middle, but we always had what we needed. I graduated high school from a super tiny rural public school that set you up to pursue a trade, but also encouraged you to go to college to become a rocket scientist, but most did neither. I never cared to learn discipline in the military like a lot my friends. Instead I learned how to drink, smoke weed, and woo insecure college girls while working as a dishwasher for a local hotel/banquet hall/bar/restaurant. That life is a story for a later time. I am currently living in a three bedroom apartment with my girlfriend Kayla and our eight year old daughter Jenny. We live in a safe, beautiful neighborhood. Jenny goes to a great elementary school that is about a two minute walk from where we live. Kayla and I have been together for four years but we never married. Jenny is not my daughter by blood but I have raised her as my own for the past four years, and I think of her as my own blood. Her father will also be a story for another time, but for now he really isn't in the picture. Believe it or not, I make decent money working for the custodial department of a local large institution. I am not a custodian, but I will tackle the details some other time. Kayla works as the GM of a housing complex. Together we have a solid household income, and if we weren't so terrible with money we could probably have a lot of it. The point of my rambling is to say that I have a good life. I have always had a good life. To a lot of people I would probably have a great life. But for as long as I can remember I faked my happiness. I can't say that I'm depressed. I don't mean that I was sad and I put on a happy face. I mean for as long as I can remember I always saw reasons to be upset and reasons to be happy in every situation. I realized at a very young age that you can make people happy by mimicking their body language, and reading their dress and personality to help me guess what they want to hear. I accommodate to maintain happiness even if it's not what makes me happy. That's what I mean when I say that I have always faked my happiness. I always chose to keep the peace in my life at any cost. For as long as I can remember. And I think I no longer know what happiness is because of it. I have been in and out of many serious/long term relationships, but never have even come close to purposing. I always have that nagging feeling that I am very unhappy and over the years all of my choices made to keep the peace at the cost of what makes me happy have completely overtaken my life. I feel like every aspect of my life was a choice to make someone happy in my life that isn't me. If you read my previous post about Mother Night:'you end up being remembered for who you pretend to be.' I know I can be happy in my current life, but I can be miserable to the point of anger, too. The grass is always greener for someone like me. I can look at my family and feel immense happiness and pride and love. I can also look at them and feel suffocated and sad and controlled. Sometimes I'll see a balding, out of shape, neck beard type of guy sitting outside of the local Burger King eating his Whopper, and I think “Man, he only has to live with crippling loneliness and sadness to have all of the freedom in the world. What a lucky guy.”

I guess this is where I will leave off for now. I plan to use this blog as a place to tell the stories from my youth as I remember them. Lay out my feelings when I am feeling overwhelmed. And perhaps other nonsense you might find interesting. In the end I hope to have an in depth diagram of my past and feelings to help me get better a living this life.
#100daystooffload #Journal #thoughts #happiness #blogging #feelings