Healing From Pregnancy Loss
“It's not personal, it's just the business of healing myself.”
This was said in the podcast this week, in reference to silence and distancing oneself from those experiencing what you desperately want.
Distance gets a bad rep but honestly, I think it's one of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves. Because in most cases, distance isn't permanent. Instead it's giving ourself time to step away, clear our minds, see things from various perspectives and give ourselves the space to heal.
When I was healing from my miscarriages I found that distance from friends and family members who were pregnant was very necessary for me. This meant hitting the “take a break” button on Facebook and taking their feed posts out of my Instagram feed. I didn't want them gone forever, so I didn't unfollow or block them, but I took the steps I needed to for the time I needed to and it helped me heal. Rather than ripping the wound open every time I saw posts about their pregnancies and all things baby, I was able to focus on letting it scab over and building up that new, thicker skin. Gross analogy, I know, but it's accurate.
Other than distance the three things that helped me heal the most were my support system, going deeper in my faith and expressing my heart creatively.
I chose to surround myself with people who would pour into me, encourage me and see me as more than wounded, but would also recognize and respect my pain and healing process. I actually just found this new song, Wounded by Maddie Wilson and she sings
“If I could just go one day without wishing my life was different, everything would be okay, if I didn't know what I was missing. But I've got nieces and nephews hugging my neck, the cutest reminders of what I don't have. And maybe I am but I still wanna lose it, when people look at me like I'm wounded.”
I cried listening to that because I can relate to that feeling so much. You don't want people to look at you like you're broken, but you still want to acknowledge what you don't have or what you've lost. So surrounding yourself with people that will help you through all of those stages is important.
Like I mentioned, going deeper in my faith helped as well. It wasn't until after my 2nd miscarriage that I started this route because before I was just so angry with God. But as time went on I started listening to worship music again, I started praying for healing and help with my aching heart and I started diving deeper into scripture to see what God had to say about my pain. Even though I was angry I was met with so much grace, love, hope and promise that the future was brighter and that even though it didn't make sense He was going to use my pain for purpose. That is a journey I am still very much, and will always be on. But I encourage you to dive in deeper to God, especially when you're angry and confused because there is no-one who will meet you with as much healing, grace and love as He will.
And finally expressing my heart creatively. Writing music and writing out my thoughts helped so much. I actually wrote my song “Rainbow” during this time.
https://cinnamon.video/watch?v=315416103222248487
Looking back my creations are immensely depressing but that's because I was so broken and in a deep place of despair during that time of my life. But knowing myself, keeping it in would've been an utter disaster. Maybe expressing yourself looks like drawing, painting, running, singing, writing, cooking or even something like serving your community. Whatever it is, I encourage you to get up and do it, even if it's in tears and even if it's in your pajamas and you've barely got anything left in you. I know it can seem like that would suck the life out of you, but you may just find that it does the complete opposite.
If you're healing from a loss, even one that occurred years ago, remember that healing isn't linear and there is no timeline. Take time to feel, cry, heal, and do it all over again. With each day things will get a little easier and then you'll bump into something that reminds you and it will hurt, but just a bit less than the last time. And remember that healing doesn't mean forgetting because that little one had life, purpose and is deeply loved. Even if you didn't choose a name, getting a necklace, bracelet, ring, keychain, painting -anything that you can wear or keep close to you so that you don't feel like they are forgotten is a good idea. I have a double ear cuff, one ring for each of my baby's so that I can keep them close to my mind always. I acknowledge them whenever I can, especially in conversation so that I celebrate their little lives and I've actually found that it's helped me in my healing process.
I'm praying for every one of you who needed to hear this, pass this on to anyone who needs it. You're loved and seen and I'm always here if you need to talk or just be heard.