Riley Q

Music – Motherhood – Marriage – Mental Health | Listen to the Solidarity Podcast on Apple & Spotify🎙| Twitter & IG: @riley_quin

This weekend was better than I ever could've imagined.

I wrote on Saturday that it was finally the day of my baby shower and we got to celebrate our baby boy who is heading this way in November. Having experienced two miscarriages last year, I truly never thought that day would happen and it was truly so sweet.

Let me just tell ya something, I forgot how important it is to be surrounded by so many amazing people in person. I needed it more than my heart can even explain. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I get lonely in Tennessee. I have a few really great friends and of course Dustin's whole family, whom I love, but it's hard spending 360 days in the place with less people who love and support me and fill my cup and only 5 days in the place where I am surrounded by them.

It's hard to only see my family a few times a year, in the case of this year, I'll only be in Michigan this one time.

I won't spend too much time lamenting because I am truly soaking up every second of this trip. In fact, the distance that I have experienced with all of these people (and my favorite places) has only made the time here so much sweeter. It truly makes me so happy to be here.

We won't ever move here, it just wouldn't make sense, but I definitely think about it every time I am home.

This trip has been a little different because it's reminded me of just how important it is to surround yourself with people who fill your cup. I love my online friendships, I gush about ya'll all the time, but I need to strengthen my “in-person” ones and start to find some people that I can do day to day life with. Seeing my parents amazing friends has only made that desire I already had stand out so much more.

In fact, I'll tell you a bit about the shower and you may understand.

We did it in three segments as to adhere to regulations. It was outside and it was beautiful. Everyone who came was comfortable and although you can't tell in the photos, there are more tables spread out where people who hadn't been around each other and weren't comfortable were able to sit. All of those who were seated had already been together in some form or fashion because of how tight knit my community is.

I found that the perk of this type of seating arrangement was that I could sit and talk to the entire table because we never had more than 12 people present at each party. It was so lovely to be able to talk to each individual, share where I was at and see everyone's faces. I've never felt so loved and seen.

On top of that, my parents did a BEAUTIFUL job with the food, the backyard and the decor.

We split it up into friends, family friends and family as to make each group of people comfortable, again, those who had already been around each other and would know one another.

I don't think I ever want to do a party any other way.

I was so grateful for my parents and two of their friends who worked their tails off. We didn't want a buffet where everyone would be touching and breathing on the food, so instead two people plated all of the salads that my dad prepared and served them individually, along with the desserts my mom baked the day before. It was perfect.

(And no: my mom and I did not intend to match, I walked upstairs and we were both dressed in the same color dress. 😂)

If I learned anything from this past weekend it is this:

Cherish those around you because you never know how much time you will have with them. I'm not even talking about death, but also about seasons of life. Just five years ago I never pictured myself living so far away and only seeing my family and closest friends who know me so well once a year. I never thought we'd only have an hour to catch up with one another until the next year. Thankfully we have phones, but you can only do so much over a phone. So cherish those people, do not take them for granted and if you don't feel that away about the people you surround yourself with now, find new people. ❤️

Thanks again for all of the love and support that ya'll showed me on Saturday. It meant the world to know I have so many loving people celebrating me and my son. I love ya'll so much.

xoxo – Ry

Today is a day that I never thought would happen. Truly.

Maybe that sounds dramatic, but if you've never experienced the loss of a baby, every moment like this feels like a miracle.

In fact, you almost hold your breath during every major moment because you're expecting something to go wrong.

These are actually some of my favorite affirmations that I came up with to help me through those moments of fear...

It's almost been a year since I attended a friends baby shower and I'll be honest, I cried sitting at the table eating my lunch while she was opening her gifts. I had only had my first miscarriage at that point but we had been trying again and it just wasn't happening.

I wanted to leave so badly, but my mom held my hand as I let the tears roll down my face and I looked away until I could get ahold of myself. I sobbed in Dustin's arms later that day, but I knew I needed to be at that shower and be there for my friend, it was the right thing to do.

I would have never believed you if you told me that just 11 months later I'd be having my own shower.

I am so happy to be home and to be surrounded by family and friends today, I need this more than I can even explain.

I can't wait to share pictures and I'll do that soon enough. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the day with my family and friends and I will talk to ya'll soon.

Thank you for all of your love and support. ❤️

xoxo – Ry

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Long, candle lit bubble baths with a glass of wine and your favorite Netflix show.. ah, self care. Right? That'll tide you over until next month's bath? 😅 (Wrong.)

Social media is inundated with the constant message that screams

But what happens when you wake up and realize that you're doing all of the magazine prescribed “self care” things and you still don't love yourself? Or when you feel guilty because you can only get your bubble bath in once a month and you feel like you're not loving yourself enough?

Can I let you in on a little secret?

Self love and self care are not one and the same.

Let me take it a step further...

Self care is not just the cookie cutter list on every pretty Instagram story, there is much more to self care than bubble baths and face masks. I'd go as far as to say that those things, while they are taking care of yourself, are more like “self pampering” rather than true self care. They will make you feel good, but only temporarily.

Awhile back I talked about self love, back when I was releasing my song “Love Myself?” where I told the story of how I didn't feel like I did love myself. I shared about my struggle with my declining mental state.

I talked a little bit about this internal struggle that I was having that I didn't love myself and that no matter how many things I did and how many of the self-care boxes I checked, my mental health was not improving. In fact my anxiety was heightened because I was afraid I wasn't doing any of it right and it only made things worse.

Back in March, I think, I received this message or comment, I'm not sure which it was and furthermore I cannot remember who it was from. My deepest apologies, it's kind of been a whirlwind year and I threw this in my Coil drafts with full intentions of writing about it and totally forgot. That being said, I think that's a good thing because at the time I truly didn't know how to answer. 5 months later, I have a lot more clarity and practice under my belt.

“Hey hey Riley! I think I needed a couple of definitions between the difference between self-love and self-care, and maybe some examples of why it has gotten toxic. It's either an area I've put no thought into or a huge amount of thought into...”

Whoever this person was, bless you and again so sorry I forgot about this, brought up a really great point.

Let's start with my personal definitions of self love and self care.

Self Love: The act of unconditionally and deeply accepting and appreciating oneself. It is an ongoing process and a daily choice. It applies not only to your body, but to your mind, heart, soul, and spirit.

What self love is NOT: Striving for perfection or only accepting that love from yourself if you do certain things, fix certain characteristics or achieve certain goals. It is appreciating your flaws because they help you grow and become a better, well rounded person.

Self Care: The daily conscious and sub-conscious steps taken to take care of your body, mind, heart, soul and spirit. These acts become regular habits through re-training your mindset.

While they sound the same, self love is appreciating and accepting and self care is doing the work (consciously and sub-consciously) to get there.

So yes, while taking a bubble bath may relax you and clean your body (mind/body), it is only a temporary relief. Self care has long lasting effects where self pampering makes you feel good in the moment. Both are good things, but it can be dangerous to mix the two up.

Coil subscribers, I'm going to give you a few awesome examples of how you can practice self love and self care below, but to wrap this up I want you to remember a few things.

  1. You are never too far gone. No matter what has happened in your life, you are capable of regaining control of your mind. That's all this is, retraining your mind to understand the truth that you are loved, capable and simply incredible.
  2. You can pamper yourself all you want and it may make you feel loved, but until you dive deep and do the mental work, you will always be left feeling like something is missing.
  3. You aren't too busy to love yourself, you are making conscious decisions everyday to not practice self care when you could be practicing it. I'm serious, they're simple little shifts that you can make to the activities you are already doing that will help you achieve your goals and improve your mental and physical state. With that, let's talk about what those shifts are...

Hold up! Are you a Coil subscriber? Yes? Awesome, you know what to do. 😉

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Maybe I'm crazy for acknowledging the day I met Dustin, even though we have a wedding anniversary and a dating anniversary, but I can't help myself. He changed my life in such an incredible way and it was truly a whirlwind romance.

I sit here writing this after we've been arguing. The stress of life is real and I'm not going to hide that. Trying to buy a house right after he'd been furloughed because of Covid after already being out of work for a few months because of foot surgery is proving to be difficult. Even more so with the fact that we are on a tight timeline with little man getting ready to make an appearance in mid November. I have been trying to hold on to the stance that our house cannot be sold to anyone else if it's supposed to be our house. Easier said than done. 😅

Anyways, I was looking through pictures the other day of when I first moved to Nashville and the first few months of being here and I realized that tomorrow (today when you're reading it) is the day we met online.

We met on a dating app, I don't recall exactly which one, I was on a few different ones. Funny story actually, I was doing a year without guys challenge but a month into living in Nashville (7 months into the challenge) I became very lonely and I downloaded a bunch of apps. I quickly became disgusted with what I was met with, deleted them all and two days before I met Dustin I re-downloaded a few of them. 😅 In that time period I was talking to, I don't know, maybe 15 guys? Which sounds like a lot, but when you're online dating it's important you get an idea of your options before you go on a bunch of dates and waste a lot of money/risk your safety.

I remember the exact moment I saw his profile, I thought he was really cute but I thought his ego was too big because in almost EVERY single photo he had a picture of his big white truck.

Fun fact: he got that truck to get girls and yet he got the girl that didn't care about the truck. 😂 I swiped anyways and I can't remember if I messaged him first or if he messaged me first. Anyways after weeding out several guys that night I was left talking to him and another two guys. That quickly dwindled down to him and a guy in the military. Dustin kept my attention and he was sweet, at the end of the night he asked me for my Snapchat (21st century dating at its classiest) and I told him no! 😅 I wouldn't give out my Snapchat but I'd give him my phone number. I ended the conversation and much to my surprise he woke me up the next morning with a “hello beautiful”.

Since that night on Sunday, August 5th there has not been a single day we haven't spoken to each other. Without fail he would text me every morning and we would talk all day until we both fell asleep. It only took a few days until our first date, that following Thursday. I was actually supposed to go on a date with the military guy that night but he, well, he messaged me and asked what I thought about marriage and moving to Oklahoma. Needless to say, I cancelled that date real fast and instead went out with Dustin that evening.

I will never forget how sweaty my palms were, gross, I know, sitting in the upstairs corner of the coffee shop. I was so nervous because I knew how much I liked him and I hadn't been on a real date since high school. I for sure thought I was going to mess it up. I still remember hearing the sound of his boots clunk up the wooden stairs and the way he smiled nervously as he came around the corner. I talked my head off that night and I'm pretty sure he only got a few sentences in, but he was sweet and I knew I was hooked. He walked me to my car, hugged me and said goodnight. I was impressed because most guys I know wouldn't have even went on a date, let alone without any expectations for the end of the night.

He texted me a few minutes after I left and we went on another date just a few days later and we talked for three hours at Panera and forgot to eat. He played with my AirPods case, clicking it open and the picture would pop up on my phone, the whole time which drove me nuts, but I didn't say anything because I knew he was anxious. He still does it sometimes to mess with me.

I never thought that I would get married so quickly, let alone to a guy I met on the internet. I definitely didn't think that I'd be having a baby so young or that I'd still be living in Tennessee two years later, but I'm grateful.

Sometimes I miss those first few months of our relationship when we were learning all new things about each other and falling in love. But what I've come to learn is that there's different stages of falling in love and even when you're going through rough or stressful times, you can choose to fall in love with that person even more. The way that they put you first, or stand up for themselves. The way that they find little ways to woo you, even when you can't afford to go on dates. The way that they'll change the sheets so you don't have to or pull you in for a spontaneous kiss- it's still falling in love, just a deeper and more sustainable love.

We may have not started officially dating until August 30th of 2018, but I consider August 5th the day that I choose to celebrate because I knew that first night that there was something different about Dustin and I haven't stopped falling more in love with him since then. I only expect that to be heightened as we navigate parenthood together. It's the sweetest thing getting to share this excitement with him.

Young marriage can be scary and it can feel like you're up against the odds, but it's the best thing that I've ever done and I would choose him again and again.

Thanks for listening to me go on and on about my love, but I can't help but brag on him. I think it's important that I tell my story for all of the people out there who are questioning if their relationship is moving too fast. Ya know, they're truly right when they say that “when you know, you know”.

Happy two years of knowing you my love.

xoxo – Ry

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This weekend during my mental health detox, I was feeling better and so I took a few minutes to scroll on social media. There's a lot happening in the world right now and specifically with human trafficking and details of the Maxwell case coming out, I don't feel like I can completely get off socials. With that runaround explanation of why I was on Instagram, here's what I want to share from it.

As I was scrolling I came across this quote from @selfmagazine.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CDPs9ItHUQs/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

When I saw that quote I immediately had a lightbulb moment. You see, this post was actually going to be based off of a midnight musing I had the other night about the mom-shaming that occurs almost immediately before and after birth. But when I saw the definition of toxic positivity laid out so perfectly, I knew I had to mash these two concepts up together, because that's exactly the form that a lot of mom-shaming shows up in; toxic positivity.

I've experienced a lot of toxic positivity but I never knew there was actually a name for what I was experiencing. In high school I hung out with a group of people who often made me feel like crap if I wasn't grateful, optimistic, happy and upbeat 100% of the time. It was frustrating and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. After I separated myself from that group of people (500 miles does wonders) and I stopped allowing myself to constantly be looking for the approval of others I realized just how toxic and broken that was of them to treat me that way. The reality is, mental health issues or not, nobody is capable of being that way 24/7 and more often than not, the people who pretend that they can be that way are actually using it as a protective mechanism to avoid facing their problems and real emotions.

To sum that up: it's okay to feel things and to be where you're at, even if it's not “happy” or “good”. It is not your job to make people feel comfortable at the expense of your own sanity and mental/emotional health.

On the topic of mom-shaming and specifically the mom-shaming around birth trauma, let me share with you the thoughts that were racing through my head at midnight the other evening and how toxic positivity plays a huge role.

“All that matters is a healthy baby” is toxic.

“At least they were only 6 weeks, you barely knew” is toxic.

“My experience was worse and I'm fine, you should be too” is toxic.

“It could've been worse” is toxic.

“You're just being emotional, cheer up” is toxic.

“Thousands of women wish they could be you right now, be happy” is toxic.

All of these statements and many others that women have been thrown after experiencing a traumatic birth or struggling postpartum are toxic. It is mom shaming showing up in the form of toxic positivity. It's not that they're necessarily meaning to be malicious, but the form in which they are talking down to you is dismissive of your experience and your emotions and frankly, manipulative.

These types of statements pour fuel on the flames of a traumatic experience or of someone dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. Or in the case of a pregnant woman, it's fueling pre-natal depression and anxiety which are also very real.

It's also triggering a subconscious mindset that tells that woman that anytime something doesn't go her way, she needs to suck it up and pretend it didn't happen. It's telling that woman that processing her feelings and emotions and validating them isn't important. It's telling that woman that her job is to simply be the vessel and that whatever happens to her body and mind is just collateral damage and she doesn't really matter. It's not okay.

Let's take that first statement and break it down real quick..

“All that matters is a healthy baby.”

So what about the women who have babies who aren’t deemed “healthy”?

By saying that to anyone you're automatically putting an emphasis on that baby's health and defining their worth as having to do with their body and mental or physical state.

How would that feel to the mother that lost her baby because they had a genetic disorder and their body miscarried at 30 weeks?

How would that feel to the mother who just found out her daughter has been diagnosed with autism?

How would that feel to the mother who knows that her son most likely won't live more than a few days?

What about those mothers and those babies?

Do they not deserve to be happy too and feel valued- regardless of our superficial (and frankly terrible definition) of “health”?

To top it off, just because you do have a textbook “healthy” baby, that does not mean that your birth experience wasn't traumatic or that your postpartum experience wasn't traumatic or that you're not allowed to feel any of the things you're feeling.

Stop giving power to the idea that happiness is circumstantial. It's not. Our bodies are full of complex chemicals and systems and our emotions and experiences are constantly in a battle to find balance. So why do we think that we can dictate anyone's feelings or decide the level of emotion they are allowed to feel based off of their experience, especially with how our sub-conscious defines it in relation to our own experiences?

Toxic positivity needs to stop.

ESPECIALLY with new moms.

Start affirming women and letting them tell their stories.

Be an empathetic listener.

It doesn’t matter if you think your story or someone else’s story was “harder”. Their story is valid. Don’t try to make them feel better with anyone else's experience or by encouraging them that their baby or birth story doesn't matter or is perfect as is- it won't make them feel better and it will make things worse. Instead affirm what they’re feeling by listening and being present. Whether you agree or can relate is irrelevant. Listen to hear, not to respond.

I'm going to wrap this up because I truly could go on for days, but this topic doesn't just apply to birth and to motherhood, it applies to all things. Be very conscious about the things that you say to others and the way you respond and reflect back their words to them. If someone comes to you, don't be the person that makes it worse, in fact you don't even have to make it better, just be there for them. And frankly, keep your mouth (or your keyboard) shut as much as possible.

I don't know about you but I know I have some apologies to make to people who I invalidated by spouting off my opinion or experience without truly listening to what they have to say. I need to own the fact that I dismissed them by giving them my “solution” and making them feel like what they were going through was just an easy fix and not worth being upset about.

Just something to ponder and challenge yourself on.

Have a happy (or sad) Monday!

xoxo – Ry

Woah buddy. This week has been a doozy. Better than last week's drama, 100%, but a doozy.

I feel like all I ever do is complain anymore, which is truly not my intention, I just find that when I share the things I'm struggling with, it helps those around me who are dealing with similar issues. It's also the weekend so I feel like a personal post is warranted. With that being said here are some of the positive and negative things I've dealt with this week.

  1. Started looking at houses with Dustin for our impending move.
  2. Had several mental breakdowns over said buying and moving process.
  3. Processed a lot of emotional trauma surrounding moving and buying a house that I didn't know I had from when I was a child.
  4. Cried many times.
  5. Felt little man kick more times than I can count which is super exciting.
  6. I didn't hit my goal of working out everyday, but I have moved and exerted my energy everyday this week and worked out 3x.
  7. I did a massive deep dive into human trafficking which was very heavy but God put it on my heart and I couldn't turn my face from it any longer. This was very emotionally tolling.
  8. I learned to appreciate Dustin in new ways this week that I've never noticed before. Even 2 years later (it'll be two years in a few days) I'm still learning new things about him which is really sweet.
  9. I was FINALLY able to write a decent song, haven't done that in a while.
  10. I reconnected with an old friend.
  11. We discovered mold in the air vent by our bed which would explain my awful sinus issues and headaches the past few weeks.

So no, I didn't end this week on a great note, but after laying out the pros and cons of this week I am not entirely disappointed with how it turned out.

But before I go I do want to touch on the quick subject of mentally detoxing.

Ya'll I learned about and experienced a lot of heavy and dark things this week. Healing emotional trauma that came up from my childhood, although completely possible, is hard. For me that looks like bathroom floor cry sessions with God, praying and begging for healing and answers about why I think the way I do. When I was going through all of the resources and re-educating myself on human trafficking to bring you the most comprehensive and accurate reports I could find, I was exposing myself to a lot of darkness. It was HARD. I mean REALLY hard. Not as hard as what the people experiencing human trafficking are going through, but exposing myself to that evil and putting myself in the shoes of the parents searching for their children or thinking about how easily I could be one of those girls, it will put you into a dark place.

That being said, without being ignorant or putting off the things I dealt with this week, I am detoxing. Today I plan to spend my day offline, not consuming the regular stream of horrific news that I usually do. I am either going to read a book or watch a movie or whatever feels good, I'm just going to do something for me. I may do some prenatal yoga for my movement and breathe out the dark cloud that's been hanging over for these past few weeks and I'm going to allow myself to detox. I am going to eat healthy foods and reset my body and then I'm going to go celebrate a few friends and laugh and enjoy myself with my husband in the evening.

I am committing this weekend to emotionally detoxing all of the crap because if I don't, I will carry it into next week and I will be starting on a note that I don't want to start on.

I pray that if you are feeling the heaviness of what you've learned about trafficking from the awareness this week, that you'd take the time to process and ingest it and then you would release the heaviness and focus on what you can do to help. The conviction can still be there, the awareness can still be there, but you won't be able to do much to help if you're walking around weighed down by what you now know. The same applies to anything else “heavy” that you're experiencing.

I appreciate this community and the efforts that you made to help get the word out about the evils and reality of human trafficking. Let us all stand together and make a change.

xoxo – Ry

Coil Subscribers Only:

3 Keys to a Mental Detox

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Human Trafficking is a 150 billion dollar industry. Only 1% of victims are ever rescued. Out of an estimated 40.3 million victims, 25% of those are children. 2+ million of those children are specifically sex slaves.

Trigger Warnings: Human Trafficking, Slavery & Sex Trafficking, Grooming, Child Abuse, and Rape.

I will warn you that this is a heavy article as the topic is heavy. But we cannot turn away and act like this isn't happening. There is no room for indifference. I encourage you to read this whole thing and to dive into the resources and videos, but I promise you that once you start to learn you will never be able to look back and unsee any of this. I encourage you to take your time and process each section as you can. If you'd like to chat more about this or if you have any questions, I'd me more than happy to have a conversation. This is a subject I am extremely passionate about and my desire is to reach as many as possible. There is so much hope if we choose to fight this one person at a time.

What Constitutes As Human Trafficking?

Sex Trafficking which is defined as the forcing, deceiving or coercing of a person to perform a commercial sex act.

Forced Labor which is defined as forcing a person to work in captivity for little or no pay.

Bonded Labor which is defined as forcing a person to work for low wages to pay back an impossible debt.

Involuntary Domestic Servitude which is defined as forcing a person to work and live in the same place for little or no pay.

Child Soldiers which is defined as forcing a child (under the age of 18) to participate in an armed force.

My Involvement

For those of you who don't know, yesterday was the World Against Trafficking Day. I knew that it was coming but I truly didn't have my thoughts together and I wasn't ready to post yesterday which is why this is coming to you today. I also believe that we need to be talking about these things every day of the year until there aren't any more children or humans at all being trafficked, not just a couple days a year.

Before I dive into some of the statistics and the ways that you can get involved in raising awareness or contributing to the cause itself, let me give you a little background into my story and how I came to be so passionate about ending human slavery.

I have been passionate about this topic since I first learned about the realities of trafficking in high school. I had started research on it in my junior year of high school during one of my first college classes I took when I was pursuing a career as a social worker. It was the first class they have you take and I learned about trafficking, specifically in the foster care system and I read a lot about the stats of trafficked teenagers who run away from the foster care system. It absolutely broke my heart and I couldn't unsee any of it.

My senior year of high school I was approached by a friend of mine who was interested in starting a non-profit organization that would be dedicated to educating high school students on the dangers of trafficking, how easily you can fall prey to it and the realities of the evils in their own neighborhoods. We focused not only on education, but getting high school students involved in educating the community and raising money for organizations doing active work in the communities around us.

During the time I was working with him we hosted several events, participated in community events, held weekly meetings with high school students and raised around $4,000+ for various organizations in our community. We were also able to reach a few groups of middle schoolers because really, that's when online predators really start to come out of the woodwork. It was an incredible time in my life where God broke my heart over and over again with the truth of what was happening in the world, specifically to children. I was able to attend several trainings and coalitions with local government agencies and had a few 1:1 meetings with federal agents who educated us on how to educate the students around us. After we graduated high school, we attempted to pass the work on to younger students who had been training with us, but it eventually died off because we brought a lot of the passion to the table. It was hard to see, but it ended up making a lasting impact on our church groups and there are other organizations that got to step into that role of education when we stepped out, so it truly worked out for the best.

I didn't have many opportunities after high school to get involved and I am still looking for a few, but for now I continue to educate myself and raise awareness where I can. Being pregnant I have specifically been focused on educating myself about the dangers of children being trafficked and the various ways that happens in this day and age. Traffickers are cunning and they are constantly evolving new ways of getting ahold of kids. This isn't just about protecting your children but it's also about being a voice for the children who are hiding in plain sight.

A Few Facts About Trafficking

(Source: O.U.R.'s founder Tim Ballard – former DHS agent)

  • Human Trafficking is the fastest growing criminal enterprise in the world.
  • There are more people enslaved today than any other time in the history of the world – even when slavery was legal.
  • There are 30 million slaves in the world. 10+ million of those are children.
  • 17,500 women and children are trafficked INTO the United States every year.
  • Americans are the #1 producer and consumer of child pornography.
  • The average trafficked child is victimized 5.4 times per day in the United States.

Examples of Child Trafficking

You see, trafficking isn't just like what you see on TV. Sure, there are evil people that kidnap kids and hold them in basements to be used as sex slaves or to be filmed for child pornography. But let me give you a few examples of real life happenings that you wouldn't necessarily think of.

First you need to know that the average victim enters the sex trafficking industry between the ages of 11 and 14. The lifespan of that victim is usually no more than 7 years upon entering.

There are children who are groomed and molested by teachers, friends, family, coaches and doctors- people they are supposed to be able to trust. It is estimated that 90% of child abuse victims know their abuser. They have pictures taken of them and sold on the internet or shared in groups of pedophiles. These children often do not know how to speak up because they have either been threatened or their family is threatened, they are in the foster care system without anyone advocating for them, they are neglected at home, they are brainwashed into thinking that this attention is “love”– the list goes on. One of these stories is from Theresa Flores who was repeatedly sold and abused by schoolmates. It all started at 15 because she fell head over heels for a boy. A boy her parents banned her from seeing. She lived in a normal house, in a normal neighborhood, went to school and she climbed out her window every night to be brutally raped by groups of men because they threatened to harm her family if she didn't. There were so many red flags and nobody did anything to help her or dig deeper. She was just a child. This was in Michigan, not far from where I grew up. This wasn't some third world country. Just a middle class family in America. This is going on in your backyard. You can read the rest of her story here in her book or watch the video below about the torture and blackmail she endured for two years and how she has now gone on to be an advocate for rescuing trafficked women and children. (Keep in mind that the stats shared in this video are from 2011 and do not reflect current numbers which are exponentially higher 9 years later.)

https://youtu.be/5QW_nsAjweE

There are children whose parents, sometimes in the system, sometimes biological, will take photos and videos of them and sell them on the internet. They will sell their children out to parties and for groups of people to molest, rape and torture. Oftentimes the children are so unaware or numb to it that they don't have fear anymore. They shut down. They are given ice cream, treated kindly in public and public drops are made at pools and amusement parks where nobody is going to notice a child switching between adults. They don't kick and scream because they aren't aware that they need to. That is why we must be their voice. Read “Emily's” story from O.U.R Rescue (Operation Underground Railroad). She was SIX MONTHS OLD when she was first listed on Craig's List to be raped. I cannot even type those words out without choking up. Six months old. My baby boy will be six months old in May. Six Months. That breaks me. These are the images and the caption I've put together for the sake of the article, but if you'd like to read it directly from Our Rescue, here is part 1 and part 2.

There are children, often in middle or high school who will be lured in by predators on the internet or even in their communities. They will be groomed and then beaten and broken down and forced to commit sexual acts until one day they realize they have a pimp and they are no longer the owners of their bodies. Sometimes this is as simple as a high school girl just wanting a boyfriend to love her. They are so ashamed that they either don't tell their parents or they run away because they have been so psychologically damaged that they believe that their pimp loves them and is the only one who would ever love them. These children, if they survive long enough, (the average victim's life span is 7 years once they become a victim) often grow up to traffic others themselves, lure more children in or they run away and become sex workers because that's all they know how to do or feel worthy of doing. Listen to Casandra Diamond's story if you need help understanding just how slippery that slope is.

“Getting out is one thing, but staying out is just as hard” – Casandra Diamond Ex-sex worker and founding director of BridgeNorth, a survivor-led charitable organization that provides programs to assist victims of sexual exploitation and human trafficking in Canada.

https://youtu.be/Rg6xCRemYw4

Or listen to Karly Church's story.. below is a screenshot (4:25) of the chart that she mapped out of the psychological process that a predator/trafficker takes a victim through in domestic sex trafficking. This is probably one of the best videos I've watched.

https://youtu.be/nh1emIVHy8g

There are children, who have no sense of self worth for whatever reason and they run away, seeking love and acceptance. They “consent” through guilt, coercion, or under the influence, but they are underage so the consent is NOT valid anyways, to their bodies being sold and used for pornography. It is estimated that 49% of sexually exploited women reported pornography was made while they were being sold for sex. It is also well known by authorities that “porn is used as a training tool to desensitize trafficked victims to the violence, degradation and humiliation they will endure”. The people who own them create fake ID's so that sites like PornHub can continue to utilize them without hesitation. Regardless of what you may have been told, they don't double check those things and they don't care when they are alerted, even from victims, that videos of them being brutally raped and tortured are on there. The Child Rescue Coalition alone has identified 71 million unique IP addresses worldwide sharing and downloading sexually explicit images and videos of children. And to make matters worse, according to the Butner Study Redux, 85% of offenders that view child sexual abuse material are hands on abusers of children. More on that here. Here are also two quotes for some perspective...

“Many girls I met in porn were there trying to escape, survive, regain control of their trauma or please their boyfriends or pimps. Even the “legitimately consensual” porn being watched is often misleading. I hate that ten years later people are still watching my most humiliating and traumatizing moments out of the consent I gave in my TEENS and twenties as an addicted, alcoholic, traumatized young woman running from her dangerous off porn life. I wish “consent” had an expiration.” – Anonymously submitted to @fightthenewdrug

“I was abused and used in child porn from when I was a baby girl until I was 15. A few weeks ago, videos of me when I was a toddler, in diapers, being raped were uploaded to pornhub. The videos were left up for hours, days... they were monetized with ads.” - Avri Sapir

If you're interested in hearing more testimonies from ex-sex workers about the truth of the industry, click here.

Then there are the children who we see in the tv shows, the ones we picture when we think of trafficking. The ones who have been kidnapped, sold and shipped off to be used as sex workers or child laborers. The children who are kidnapped in their own towns and villages or those who are sold off by their parents to pay off a debt or because they are starving. The ones who unknowingly sell themselves off via work agencies who promise a better life and better jobs. These specific instances occur more in second and third world countries, but if you don't think it's happening in your own backyard, you're sadly mistaken.

There are also the children who are kidnapped or lured in by the elites. They are thrown around at sex parties and rituals, until they're of no use anymore or too old and then they are disposed of. Epstein and his crimes against children is a prime example of this.

I could go on for days of the stories that I have read from victims and their families, but if your stomach is churning as much as mine is from simply reading this, let's get into how you can help make a change.

What Can I Do?

1. Know the Signs

In “Emily's” case, Theresa's case, and the cases of thousands more, if just one person had known the signs and reported when they saw something unusual, those children could have been saved. I will list the signs below but I warn you to be VERY conscious and aware of those around you, especially with masks being the new staple. It is hard enough to have a child in public, let alone with a mask on. Masks covering up the faces of people around you and the children around you suddenly open up a new world of possibility. It's hard enough to spot someone suspicious with a mask on, let alone identify them. If your child has a mask on and got snatched in public, not only is it going to be almost impossible for authorities to identify your child and the perpetrator, but it will be impossible for the general public to help identify them. Elizabeth Smart is a prime example of how face coverings can aid traffickers and abusers. After being kidnapped in 2002 at age 14 out of her bed in Utah she was touted around by her abusers in PUBLIC and at parties and in stores where people KNEW her and her story, but they had her face covered up and so for a year nobody noticed her. There is even a famous photo that was taken of her and her traffickers at a party.

She was rescued in 2003 and 17 years later she is an activist for American Child Safety. Besides the face covering, she showed many of the tell tale signs and if someone would have noticed or said something she could've possibly been rescued much sooner. If you haven't heard her full story I will link her book here, a full video, or you can listen to a shorter version of her story below.

https://youtu.be/BYZ2ihhQjAY

Do not ever be afraid to say something. If you see a child who seems to be in distress or is exhibiting signs, contact the police. If you listen to the video above, if you get to 10:00 timestamp in the video you will hear why victims never say anything and why it's SO important to report anything suspicious. If you are in a store, find a manager or security officer until the authorities can arrive. Do not approach a child or their potential trafficker. Take down mental notes of the adult with the child, a license plate and car description if you're in a parking lot, take pictures of the scene. Whatever you can do to document what you're seeing. I would so much rather ruin someone's day if I'm wrong than be right and let a child walk away with their abuser because I was too afraid or too busy to say something.

The Signs:

If you'd like to learn more about the signs, O.U.R. (started by former DHS agent, Tim Ballard) has a fantastic one hour training that I did the other day as a refresher. It's free and could save a child's life if you take the time. You can do the training here.

2. Educate Yourself

The media does their absolute best to numb us to what is going on. This is because those who own the MSM companies are often partaking in the atrocities themselves and there is an agenda to make pedophilia a sexual orientation right now. With this being said, be careful to not let yourself fall prey to their “padded”, feel good terminology.

My Instagram friend, Sarah Elizabeth, brought this concept to my attention. I added a few additional terms myself.

“Minor Attracted Person” = Pedophile

“Underage” = A Child

“Child Prostitute” = A Child and a Rape Victim

“Non Consensual Sex” = Rape

“Sex with a Minor” = Rape

Do not be fooled by the terminology that is being used to desensitize us to the horrors of what is going on. Be alert.

I will have organizations listed below which are great resources on social media, but also watch documentaries and read podcasts. Follow survivors on social media. Read books. Read up and regularly educate yourself on statistics.

Podcasts:

Books:

Documentaries:

Statistic Sources:

Ted Talks/Videos:

Other:

3. Report. Report. Report.

Social media will be the downfall of pedophiles and traffickers. They can't help themselves. If you come in contact with any kind of content having to do with any person who looks to be under the age of 18, even if it's questionable, report it. There are government agencies and coalitions working to track down these scumbags, the least you can do is hit the report button. If you see something truly disturbing and you know the person or know of them through someone else, call the non-emergency line or a local trafficking hotline and report what you know. Five minutes out of your life could potentially save a child's life.

- A21 Trafficking Hotlines (Scroll to the bottom of the page for your country's information.)

- America's National Human Trafficking Hotline 1-888-373-7888

- More Signs & 3 Tip Hotlines

4. Be Proactive In Protection

Ready for a few gut wrenching facts?

According to Phone Spector...

  • 1 in 5 U.S. teens have received sexual solicitations online

  • 77% of children have been targeted by online predators

  • Only 25% of children told their parents about being approached for online sexual favors.

I can heartbreakingly admit I can check all three of those boxes.

Talk to your friends and family, especially those with kids about what is going on. Educate them about the signs and what they can do to protect their children. Just knowing what to look for with your own kids is important because no one is ever completely safe. Some of the worst cases are often within a family or a group of friends or with someone you would think you can trust. Do not be frivolous with internet usage. Predators are everywhere, in children's apps, on children's YouTube channels, in the children's Facebook messaging platform- everywhere.

  • Do not rely simply on child locks and apps.
  • Be proactive in talking to your children about things they need to look out for and be aware of.
  • Do not allow for loads of unmonitored screen time.
  • Do not tag the locations where you often are with your children. (Churches, parks, stores, etc.)
  • Do not post your address online (especially when selling things on platforms like Facebook or Craig's List.)
  • Do not post pictures of your children when you're on vacation, post them after you're home.
  • Do not ever post the location of your child's school or reveal when drop off/pick up is.

Maybe you think that living that way is being paranoid, but I assure you that the thousands of parents whose children have gone missing or been preyed on or whose had pictures of their children sold on the internet would tell you that they never thought it could happen to them until it did. Be very aware of who your kids are talking to on the internet and the content they are watching, especially on apps like Kik, What's App, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and SnapChat. Be aware of the pornography and tutorials that are available on TikTok and SnapChat and the things people will ask your kids to do in return for likes, shoutouts and followers.

To a child, their only focus is popularity, being understood and feeling loved. These predators know that and will often show up in the form of other kids their age or will damper down their age by doing “funny” things or participating in trends to get your children to trust them. Shane Dawson is a good (but bad) example of a YouTuber who creates content for children but often speaks on his attraction to them. As a parent, unless you’re listening to all of his content, you wouldn’t know this. His videos are targeted and even advertised by YouTube towards kids because of the content and his demeanor, but his underlying message and intentions are not appropriate or pure. Know what your kids are watching and who they’re listening to. Be aware. Be proactive and realize that it can happen to anyone at any time. Do not allow your children to meet up with people from the internet and if your gut tells you something is off about someone they are wanting to hang out with, listen to it.

From my own personal experience, I cannot tell you how many stupid things I did as a teenager and as a middle schooler that my parents did not know about. The random people I talked to on the internet, who I shared things with, some of which I KNOW were predators because of things that came out in conversation and lies I caught them in. I thank God I didn't meet up with a few of them who I almost did when I was out of state on trips. I didn't FaceTime any of them that wanted me to and that God protected me the way that He did. And I truly believe that He did so that I can tell people about how easy it is to get wrapped up on the internet.

Predators are SO very good at what they do and sometimes will stop at nothing until they get what they want. Your children, as smart and even as old as they are, they need you to protect them and educate them. They will always find a way if you simply take it away or say no, so education is a must! I cannot tell you the amount of conversations I've had with high schoolers, middle schoolers and sadly, recently, even elementary schoolers who have been preyed on. They didn't realize what was happening or they had a bad feeling or they were asked to send nudes or videos because that person had them convinced they loved them and in some higher up places (through YouTube/Instagram/TikTok) that they would make them famous if they just did what they asked. These are intelligent, amazing kids who just wanted attention and to feel truly loved and understood. And as someone who is about to be a mother to a child in a generation that will never know anything other than smartphones and the internet, I am terrified. Because I was a bit more protected than this next generation will be. So please, don't live in fear, but be proactive, educate your friends and your kids and be aware.

Here are four great articles for parents or teachers from the Child Rescue Coalition. If you are interested in learning more about how to protect your children, I recommend checking them out.

The Truth About TikTok: Online Safety Tips For This Top App

6 Signs Your Child Is Being Targeted By A Predator

Investigators Share 6 Steps Predators Take To Groom Kids Online

What To Do When A Child Predator Contacts Your Child

5. Volunteer, Donate or Share Content

Here is an extensive list of organizations that are doing great work. Some of them you can donate supplies to for the rescue and rehabilitation of rescued victims or you can donate your time or money. You can also share content or volunteer at their events.

Exodus Cry

Fight The New Drug

The Demand Project

All Worthy of Love (I've personally worked with them and they were the first organization we donated proceeds to via 6:8.)

The SOAP Project (Theresa Flores' Amazing Organization)

OUR Rescue (Operation Underground Railroad)

Project Rescue Children (Australia)

Child Rescue Coalition

A21

National Center on Sexual Exploitation

The End It Movement

Guardian Group

Rescue Her

The Well House

International Justice Mission

Hope for Justice International

Saving Innocence

Defend Innocence

Deliver Fund

Polaris Project

Love146

Stop Trafficking Demand

Shared Hope International

Rights4Girls

Sources: Child Rescue Coalition, International Labor Organization, Stop Trafficking Demand, National Center on Sexual Exploitation, Human Trafficking Hotline, Our Rescue, Exodus Cry, Love 146, Ark of Hope for Children

JULY EDITION – Check out the June Edition here.

If you've ever doubted whether or not the Coil community is growing, I will be the first to tell you that it definitely is! Some months it may feel like just a trickle of people and other months, a flood. Either way I am thankful that we are getting the word out about Coil and web monetization. If you haven't seen the newest developments on Coil, I recommend heading to the “Discover” page and checking out the recent publications and tabs they've added. You can also check out this exciting article by the Washington Post's Elahe Izadi that showcases the newest additions to the Coil family.

With that being said, it's important to keep up with the new faces on the platform and to continually make people feel at home. I think that's the beauty in the Coil platform, for over a year now it's consistently felt like home and I will do everything in my power to maintain that atmosphere as long as we can! Without further ado, let me introduce you to five of our newer creators!

1. Lauren Di Matteo:

Lauren is an amazing writer and photographer who I feel blessed to have stumbled upon via Coil. She has recently started to cross share her posts on Coil from her website. I can honestly say in the few posts I’ve read from her I’ve been blown away. Her writing will truly whisk you away to another place and her imagery is breathtaking. I was sold on her content the minute I stepped into her gorgeous website. The aesthetic is of my dreams and I could get lost in the stunning landscape that she houses her stories in. I recommend partaking in her content via desktop so that you can truly experience her photos. A phone just does not do them justice. I’m excited to welcome Lauren into the Coil community. It’s wonderful to see more and more established writers and creatives teaming up with Coil to take their content experience to the next level. Be sure to connect with Lauren on Instagram and Twitter

It’s Always Sunny in Southern California

Garden of Victory

Co. Sligo – A Photo Essay From My Recent ‘Vacation’ To Ireland

2. Michael Brooks:

Michael has been a delightful new addition to the Coil platform this month! He started cross-posting his articles on July 16th from his website and I took notice right away. One of the first articles he posted was about his endeavor of creating and selling an ebook during the age of Covid-19. I was incredibly impressed as he got straight to the point. He followed that article up with a fantastic Coil exclusive step-by-step guide so that YOU can do the same thing! I highly recommend checking out the guide if you've ever considered releasing an ebook. Now is as good a time as ever! Be sure to reach out and introduce yourself to Michael on Twitter.

Writing and selling an ebook during COVID-19 lockdown

My initial thoughts on Apple's IOS14

Creating your first eBook

3. 3gxd:

I haven't quite figured out what his username stands for, but I've really enjoyed several of the posts I've read over the past few days from @3gxd. He's only been on Coil for a few days but it seems like he's uploaded a backlog of content onto Coil which is always cool to see. It's interesting to see the different approaches that various creators take when integrating Coil into their online presence. @3gxd is co-owner of “#PvtPpr [prīvit pāpər] is an #IttyBittyApp so anyone can have a medium/news/article/blog/diary digital paper”. I recommend checking it out on Twitter, it seems interesting! One of my favorite articles he's put out is “Your Reward System”. I cannot help but feel slightly convicted that I may have fallen into the pattern of shorting myself on my abilities when it comes to frivolously rewarding myself. It's an interesting read to say the least. Be sure to check out more of his work below and connect with the mysterious @3gxd on Twitter!

Everything Will Work Out in the End

join my e-cult

Learning Discipline

4. Beatriz Sbeghen:

A few of us were introduced to Beatriz via the lovely Tahlia who was featured in last month's new creators to follow! I know that it can be hard to keep up on all the happenings on Twitter so I definitely wanted to include Beatriz in this month's edition. I love Beariz's writing. She has a true gift and honestly, she's relatable. I cried (yes I'm pregnant, but her message was just that good) reading “The Power of Self Honesty Caught Me By Surprise”. It's a good one ya'll and you must read it. It touched me because I am not in touch with myself and my wants or needs at all right now and she convicted me to get into a different headspace. Beatriz only has three articles on Coil as of right now but every single one of them has hit home with me. I'll link them below, take the time to read them and then don't forget to connect with her on Twitter and Instagram!

The Power of Self Honesty Caught Me By Surprise

When the world stopped, I moved.

Connection >> Approval

5. Catera Combs:

Catera has been posting consistently on Coil since June and I have to say, I love her content. Her branding piqued my interest from the first header photo I saw and I truly love following along. Her personality is vibrant and inviting and her content, especially her Cinnamon videos are fun and easy to watch. She is multi-talented, pursuing a career as an actress and from the moment she stepped into the community she has challenged us all. She's been a fantastic example of what you can do within the Coil and Cinnamon community. I love her blogging style, it's very personal and it consistently shows off her various hobbies and passions. It's fun to check in with what she's doing and although, as of now, she doesn't have a particular niche, she's left her fingerprint with a unique and inviting brand. Be sure to follow Catera on Cinnamon Video and check out her Twitter & Instagram!

My Natural Hair & I

What My Twenties Have Already Taught Me

I Studied At An All Women's College

That is all of the creators I have for this month! If I missed you, don't worry, you're probably already on my radar for next month. If I haven't met you and you're new to Coil or you've been around and haven't felt noticed, PLEASE reach out on Twitter! It's hard to keep up with everyone, even though I scour the platform for new people all of the time. I'd love to meet you and my DM's are always open.

Thank you so much for reading and joining in the effort to make Coil feel like home. Let us continue to lift each other up!

xoxo – Ry