Stop the _____ Shaming.
Last week @yahtzio – Brent – told me not to hide sassy Riley anymore and well, he's getting what he asked for because I have some really important stuff to say. 👏🏻
Warning: this article has a lot more language than I usually use, so be careful if reading out loud in front of children. Also this isn't a man or a woman thing. Everyone is doing this and everyone needs to stop.
First of all, I usually don't get in the middle of controversial things, as bad as I want to, I'm trying to build an audience and not have them hate me so... BUT. Some things I cannot just stand by and not say. So ya, I might not always pull out sassy Riley, but in this instance, here she comes. Buckle up buttercup.
Yesterday a culmination of events sent me into a tailspin of realizations.
First, Patty B wrote a wonderful article on women's empowerment and what it means to support others. It's beautifully done and you should definitely read it!
Second, I watched the new Taylor Swift documentary: Miss Americana and witnessed the girl behind Taylor Swift.
Third, I watched Demi Lovato slay the National Anthem and receive an immense amount of praise on the internet after she overdosed in 2018.
Fourth, I watched the Super Bowl halftime show with Shakira and Jennifer Lopez and then witnessed the internet blow up.. and not in a good way.
Before I dive deep into this, I have a few rules.
1. If you have nothing nice to say, keep it to yourself.
2. These women are all real people with real feelings. Think about your own daughters, wives, sisters, mothers and grandmothers before you go and judge them.
3. You have a right to your opinion and I have a right to mine, I'm already agreeing to disagree. So that's that.
4. Would you want someone rounding up all of your actions and words and putting them on a pedestal for all of the world to see, judge and criticize? No? Ok. So don't be that person.
5. Before you write any of this off as wrong because it's not your opinion, remember that it's perfectly okay to receive new information or information in a different way and then form a new opinion. Nobody's going to think you're wishy washy. It's part of being an adult- opinions are allowed to change.
Alrighty then, let's make something clear: this world has a shaming problem. Like a serious issue. This “cancel-culture” that we live in is toxic and brutal. We march and chant that we want equal rights and love and all of these things, but we sit behind our phone and let our thumbs tell the whole world everything we hate about other people. Our love is conditional. Our “equal rights” are conditional. Our support is conditional.
Someone wears, says or does something you don't agree with: cancel them.
CANCEL A PERSON?! Are you freaking kidding me? That is a person who is pouring their heart and soul into living an extraordinary life and you want to cancel them because they did something you don't agree with.
You are not God. You are not the king of the world. You don't get to tell someone to go kill themselves or their dreams. That is not okay. At all. Like ever.
Now sidebar: I will recognize that shaming applies to both men and women, but unfortunately it happens much more often to women, especially those in a powerful or influential position. BUT- it's not just men that shame women, women shame women as well. This entire argument/article is not propaganda for any type of group or anything. I am not anti anyone, I am anti-being an ass.
You see, the problem comes down to this: we don't like what we can't have and our insecurities and principles get interweaved to the point where we cannot tell them apart.
We demonize words, warp them into labels and slap them on the foreheads of those we are jealous of; those we are intimated by. We take our anger out on people who we can't physically touch, so it must not hurt them?? But then it doesn't stop there, we eventually take it to the people we do day to day life with because somewhere along the line we decided that it feels good to put others down.
Let me give you my first example:
Like I mentioned, I watched the new Taylor Swift documentary:
Now, I myself have rolled my eyes and talked crap about her alongside most of the world. And although I may not agree with her on every level about every little thing, I need to cut that shit out. We all need to. That documentary, which I highly recommend watching, reminded me that she is a real person with real insecurities and feelings. Just because she is in the spotlight does not mean that anyone has the right to tear her apart or ridicule her. If people knew everything I've ever said and done, I would 1000% be torn apart as well, but that doesn't mean that I'd be immune to it. It would still hurt like hell.
Taylor alongside most men and women have been:
+ Body Shamed
+ “Slut” Shamed
+ “Bitch” Shamed
+ Music Shamed
+ Relationship Shamed
+ Boss Shamed
and so on and so forth.
This article isn't a personal vendetta for me, but I will admit that I have been shamed by WOMEN & MEN as a singer, songwriter, writer, business owner and general human. I think we all have honestly. I know what it feels like to be called a bitch or bossy because I was trying to make sure my group got a good grade on their project. I've been called a slut for things I've worn. I've been told to get off the stage because I'm slutty and I've been told to get off the stage because I'm a prude. I've been told to cover up and I've been told to take it off. I've been told I'm too skinny and I've been told I'm too fat. I've been told I'm too noisy and I've been told I'm too quiet.
You cannot win.
Each of those words, the ones we wince at, bitch, slut, whore- they're just actually groupings of letters that we decided were going to be insults. There is no such thing as any of those words.
That woman you just called a bitch.. why?
Well, you decided that she was being rude and that's the label our society has given to “rude” and “pushy” women.
But let me ask you this,
Is she actually being rude or did she just turn you down?
Is she actually being rude or did she just say something that made you uncomfortable because it was true?
That woman you just called a slut.. why?
Well, you don't like what she's wearing or how she's acting and based off of those two things you decided to slap a label on her that our society has deemed an acceptable “punishment” for women that don't act the way we want them to.
But let me ask you this,
Is she actually being provocative or are you jealous of her body?
Is she actually being provocative or can you not control your mind?
Is she actually being provocative or do you envy her confidence?
Drop your ego and maybe you'll see people more clearly without demonizing and shaming them.
AND realize that it actually doesn't matter if that person is doing what you've decided to think they're doing- you still do not get to be rude.
When you speak unkindly about others and try and slap labels on them about who you think they are, you're the only one that looks dumb. Because really, it's a heart issue. It comes down to you having to tear someone else down to make yourself feel better.
My second example: Demi Lovato singing the National Anthem.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Fv25jBQCN/?igshid=oangalrdergj
First of all: SHE FREAKING KILLED IT. Probably the best National Anthem performance I've ever heard in my life.
Second:
https://www.instagram.com/p/B8FGvXtBULb/?igshid=1s1bhwubdkdlf
Demi publicly proclaimed this ten years ago. A year and a half ago, Demi almost lost her life to a drug overdose. She has been suicidal, in an out of rehab and struggling with confidence her entire career- aka her entire life. She's been in the industry since she was a baby and has never known anything except for constant criticism and shaming.
Last night people all around the world came together to praise her for overcoming her issues and for achieving her dreams.
Awesome right?!
So then why only a few hours later did those same people come together to literally spit on two other incredible women who rocked their performances?
I can GUARANTEE that if Demi had been wearing a short dress or skirt that she would've been shamed instead of praised. Nobody would've seen that dream or her overcoming issues, all they would've seen is the outfit. Because we're conditional. We love conditionally- but in the name of “unconditional love” masked by our desperate attempts to “just try and help” because apparently we are everyone else's self-proclaimed “saviors”.
This leads me to third example: the halftime show.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B8F4lC3AZZP/?igshid=56ftd93u015s
That meme in a nutshell summarizes my frustration.
The double standard that has been set between men and women and honestly, between certain types of women.
People all over the earth flooded to the internet to express their disdain for these beautiful, powerhouse, mothers who literally worked their asses off to put on a once-in-a-lifetime show, yet drooled over a male who showed off his body last year.
Here's the deal:
- You get to decide what you and your children watch or do not watch. In America, we are working towards celebrating other cultures. We are working towards celebrating bodies and dancing and embracing yourself. If you are uncomfortable with that, fine, you're entitled to your opinions, but bashing, shaming and being downright rude isn't okay. You have the choice to change the channel, turn it off, or leave the room. Simple as that. Plus, you knew good and well going in what the halftime show would be like- so don't act like it's a huge surprise.
- We are the most critical society ever. And you know damn well that there are expectations for performers; in America especially. If you're not skinny (but not too much), muscular (but not too much), tan (but not too much), with an amazing voice, big hips (but no lumps), huge ass (with a thigh gap), full lips (without fillers) and voluminous hair (without extensions)– get out. AND as the most critical society, we expect a performance. If they had gotten up there in long dresses and sang without the choreography, we would've complained that it was boring and not as good as last year.
https://media.giphy.com/media/WqX0mS1ZEtxTcI8bw6/giphy.gif
It goes right back to that conditional love we have for others and ourselves. It's not real love, it's fake. It's commercialized, demonized and ridiculed and it is pure bullshit.
The truth of the matter is this:
Bodies are beautiful.
Working hard is beautiful.
Living out your passions is beautiful.
Honoring your heritage is beautiful.
Being a mother or a father is beautiful.
Dance and entertainment is beautiful.
We are powerful, strong, capable human beings.
We should be building each other up and looking at the person within.
We should take a whole person into consideration before we go to judge them.
Then we should stop judging them because nobody is perfect.
We should be empowering not shaming.
Regardless of what you believe.
Regardless of which political party you associate yourself with.
Regardless of what you're passionate about.
Regardless of religion- and Christian's, I'm talking to you – I saw a lot of judgement and hate from you last night which absolutely broke my heart. If you truly believe that God created every one of us with our unique bodies and skillsets, you wouldn't be spitting on these women with your words. These are beautiful, strong, powerful and incredible and you just made yourself and Christianity look really bad. It's totally your prerogative to turn off the television if you feel tempted or uncomfortable by a performance, but to be so unbelievably nasty about someone's culture, body and talent- not okay. We are called to love everyone unconditionally. It's none of your business how someone chooses to live their life but it's 1000% your business to love people and be the hands and feet of Jesus to them.
Regardless- the shaming needs to stop.
The conditional love (political party, body type, career, personality, etc.) it's got to stop- on all sides.
If you don't agree with someone, be kind and then walk away.
Because at the end of the day, you can plant a seed, but shouting your way into their mind is never going to change it. But kindness, kindness always wins.
Be kind. Be empowering. Be loving.
xoxo – Ry
OK. Well. I thought I was done, but I took a quick break from writing to scroll on Instagram and I am appalled by a post I just saw.
As some of you may know, I got really interested in what human trafficking is and how it is effecting our society back in high school. I even helped start an organization: 6:8, it was run completely by high school students and was created to help raise awareness in youth groups and schools about human trafficking and sex slavery. Throughout that process I learned so much. One of the facts that I learned was that the Super Bowl is one of the most trafficked events of the year. It’s awful, it’s disgusting and it’s horrible. If I had any wifi last night I probably would’ve posted something about it, but I didn’t.
As I was scrolling just now I saw a post about how the halftime show was foreplay and pornography for the men at the Super Bowl. The post proceeded to go on to say that the halftime show is the reason that men then go out and pay to rape women.
EXCUSE ME?!
Hold up now.
FIRST OF ALL, that is victim shaming at its WORST. You just said that it is the fault of the performers, that men left the Super Bowl last night and went to go pay for sex?
My heart breaks for the women and children who are being trafficked. It’s absolutely vile and disgusting. But the people who are taking part in the trafficking and paying to rape these people- it is THEIR choice and THEIR fault. They are making the CONSCIOUS decision to leave that building, find a person who is trafficking other HUMANS, PAY them to have sex with them and then proceed to LITERALLY INSERT their body parts into that trafficked human.
You're telling me that J Lo & Shakira- two MOTHERS- one of which had her daughter on stage to perform as well, verbally coerced those men into taking ALL of those steps last night?!
How dare anyone say that it is the fault of those performers.
If you cannot handle what you KNOW you’re going to see, do not watch it. Do not go. Go get a friggin soft pretzel and eat it in the hallway.
If you cannot watch something without having to rape someone, you have bigger fish to fry and you best not even put yourself in public scenarios.
You might as well get your phone, wallet, tv, keys- any potential gateway to the outside world taken away, because you have zero self control and seek out people to take advantage of.
Temptation is EVERYWHERE.
Sex is EVERYWHERE.
It is NOT anyone’s fault but yours if you choose to do something that horrendous.
Oh my stars I’m seeing red right now.
If you want to truly stop trafficking, start praying for people’s hearts and minds to change.
Be kind to people and show them love.
Educate yourself on the signs of trafficking and report things when you see them.
Be safe and stay aware.
Do not take part or buy into the companies that support it.
Support businesses that sell hand made goods and products made by women rescued from trafficking.
But do not tell me that it is Shakira and Jennifer Lopez’s fault that men, women and children were raped last night.
Do not.
And for those of you who say it’s spiked because of the halftime show, if that was the case, wouldn’t it be every football game? There’s always performers- aka cheerleaders- who also perform and dance. What about them? No. It’s the people. It’s the hearts. It’s the excessive amount of alcohol and lack of self control.