You Can Quit.
There's more to life than finishing everything & hitting every goal.
Perseverance is a virtue, one that God talks a lot about, absolutely. But sometimes our view of goals and accomplishments differ from reality or what God wants for our lives.
I've recently been brought down in a way that I never imagined I would be.
It's ironic- not, because God, but it just so happened that the week I aired Julia's story about her mental health journey and the freedom she received in leaving a job that gave her major anxiety, I was also tackling a huge new shift in my life. Dealing with such a disappointment that I didn't know was possible.
My goal has always been to breastfeed until Hayden was a year old. Recently it was made clear to us by his medical provider that he needed to get on formula asap because my supply is extremely low.
This was not okay with me in any way shape or form because my body is supposed to be able to nourish him, I am supposed to be able to do this as a natural bodily function and I never wanted to give him formula.
I felt like a complete failure especially because when I say I've done it all to have a fabulous supply, I've literally done it all. And I continue to do it all as I'm exclusively pumping and giving him a mixture of what little breastmilk I can produce and the rest being formula. But my body continues to produce less and less and I continue to feel more and more inadequate.
This is something I've actively going through. I don't feel like I have permission to give up yet, as much as I want to. It's interesting, I posted a question in a group the other day about a portable pump so that I could go out and about and get off my couch, but I was met with a lot of “just quit”, “fed is best” and “if your mental health is struggling, formula is the answer” and honestly, it pissed me off. It invalidated my feelings, it invalidated the fact that I know what's best for my son (not a sing-song saying) and it put me in a box. The assumption was made that breastfeeding wasn't the best thing for my mental health, when personally- that couldn't be farther from the truth.
So, I wanted to bring awareness to how our circumstances effect every one of us differently. Because for some, all of those statements may be true, but that doesn't mean it is for everyone and we have to be careful to not just lump every person and every situation into a box. Because as soon as we start doing that, we start invalidating people's feelings and experiences.
The other day, in the midst of a lot of tears, Dustin gently reminded me that God will use my story to help others. I'm exhausted from that. I'm exhausted with all I have to endure just to be used. But James 1:2-4 reminds me that it is worth it and Psalm 121:1 reminds me of where my strength comes from. So I may be weary, but I have to press on.
In Julia's situation, knowing that she could quit was such a relief for her and that's exactly what she needed to do. She just needed to hear someone else take that pressure off her and give her permission to do what was best for her entire well being.
In my case, I've had women in support groups tell me to quit breastfeeding & pumping altogether for my mental health. That's what most people believe is the answer to that issue. But that's not the case for me. Throwing in the towel now would be worse for my mental health and so I keep on. In my case, knowing I can quit, gives me permission to press on in a different direction. It's giving me permission to get Hayden nourished through formula while I figure out what the heck is going on with my body and continue to pursue my supply through various forms of exercise, nutrition and pumping techniques. Am I happy about it? Absolutely not. But this isn't a situation that can be dependent on what I feel like doing or not doing. Maybe down the line God will give me permission to say “I'm done”, but not yet.
Julia's story is inspiring to me because in my mind, formula was never, ever an option. And yet it was running through my mind the week's leading up to that doctors appointment where we were forced into it because I knew my supply was struggling and I knew I was doing everything I could. I knew that I was doing my best and it still wasn't enough. As much as that sucks I had to face reality, but I would never be able to make that decision myself because it went against my personal belief system. It took someone saying “you need to quit this method and do something else” for me to be able to fully step into that, even if I did go kicking and screaming and truthfully, I continue to be unhappy. That's the thing, no one ever said that this whole process would be easy. In fact, it's the farthest thing from easy. But I thank God that I can lean into Him and cry when everything is falling apart and my heart is utterly broken.
Although the original decision to put him on formula drove my mental health to a worse state, it's slowly starting to get better and better as I'm able to start reclaiming parts of myself that I had to give up to breastfeed exclusively. It doesn't take the pain away but it lessens the sting just a bit.
I'm not sure where your mental health is at right now or what you're facing, but I think that permission, those words we don't hear often, “you know you can quit?” aren't just for me and Julia. I believe they are out there for some of you too.
Maybe it's a relationship that's gone stale that you're afraid to leave because things are generally comfortable, but you know it's not right for you.
Maybe it's a job that's been making you miserable but you feel an obligation to stay.
Maybe it's the place you're living, the people you're spending time with or a project that just never seems to end and it's all going nowhere.
I'm not sure what it is for you, but I encourage you to get really honest with yourself and remember that quitting doesn't always just mean walking away before you've given something a fair chance. Sometimes walking away is the difference between being miserable and in a really bad place and walking into what God has been trying to bring you into all along.
Pray and seek guidance and wisdom as to which direction you are supposed to go and then go after it. Lean into the strength and wisdom of the “One who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” – Ephesians 3:20.