Ruminations

I’ve mentioned before that I was born on easy mode: White, male, heterosexual, and to affluent parents. Because all problems are subjective, which is why you can be unhappy even though other people are worse off, these conditions haven’t let me to a happier life, I’m still struggling with my own life. So it dawned on me the other day, that maybe what I need is something to overcome, a challenge that is.

Everything in my life has happened automatically, schools and university, finding a place to live in a busy city; I never had much input for it, it just sort of happened. I look at my friends, and some had to fight to get into uni, or stay there, some had to move across their country or to another country entirely, and some had to struggle to be accepted for who they are. Worse still, some didn’t manage what they wanted, or haven’t been accepted for who they are.

By contrast, my guilt is that all this happened automatically for me, without obstacles, yet I’m in a place of indifference or the mildest of satisfaction. Yes, work is alright, no I don’t mind it, and my colleagues are nice or at least tolerable, and no one is mean. But what sort of life is that? I get one shot, and though I’ve been confused for so long, I now have the perspective to see, that if I want to reach for happiness, I need to be doing something that gives satisfaction in the doing itself, rather than just floating along a stream of mild life. But I’m risk-averse by both nature and nurture, and when has taking a chance worked out for me?

My biggest undertaking ever was going backpacking for a year, to a lot of countries that aren’t your typical backpacker-fare, but that was easy too in a way. Money from back home (at least I saved up myself) for staying in hostels or guest houses, taking public transportation, and eating most meals prepared for me. None of it was insurmountable or felt like a challenge. You, if you had the time and cash, could go and do it without a worry, other than maybe prejudice about some of the countries (this was the main resistance I met from other people). But truly, even Bangladesh during a period of political instability was fine, Westerners are left alone. At the end of the year, I came home and continued at uni, with the smoothest possible transition, my apartment was still there after all.

Since then I’ve spent years realising that I don’t know what I’d want to do instead of what I’m doing now, just that I want to do something different. Maybe what I need is the challenge itself, for beyond a doubt I crave something to normalise my feeling of inner imbalance or indifference. Maybe through overcoming myself and my expectations of myself, I can emerge knowing myself that much better, or at least be satisfied with something I did, rather than accepting what came along. I know, that sounds like any high school graduate on their way to Chiang Mai, but I want and need to put myself so far outside my zone of comfort, that I’ve no choice but to rely on myself.

I’ve always loved travelling, and so it makes sense for me to find my challenge here. Or in the words of my thesis supervisor: “Pick something you love to write about, that way you won’t hate it until the end; otherwise you’ll hate it from the beginning”. I’m inescapably me, and so I’m doing a dry run this summer, with a small-scale escape for three weeks, that will sort of simulate what my challenge could be like out in the big old world. I’ve until now thought of it as a trial-run for travelling, but as I’m thinking about it, it recently went from being a trial-run for escaping from the world, to being a trial-run for finding a challenge for myself to overcome.

I don't know what I expect, and more disconcertingly I'm beginning to get cold feet (I always do though). Worst case I'll have an awful time, and I guess re-evaluate how I'll go about breaking free from my “golden cage”. In all likelihood I'll have a nice vacation, where I can find peace and quiet. But just maybe, I'll catch a glimpse of what could happen, if I wasn't so afraid to let go. No matter what happens, I'll return home to my job, but maybe come spring, I'll be setting off on grander adventures?