Ruminations

As I mentioned in my last (super cheerful) post, I've started asking my self more questions, but that's also something that's accelerated as I've traded my old stressful job for one that has left me with a surplus of mental energy. So now that I’m in a better place, I’m also in a worse one, as my questions led me to a dissatisfied place; where previously I was strongly dissatisfied with my job, now I’m dissatisfied with my life.

I studied the wrong thing at university, I don’t see myself ever being content working in my current field, and I don’t see an easy transition to another field that would suit me better (and I’ve given this a lot of thought). Throughout my comfortable upper-middle class upbringing, I’ve built a cage of comfort, which sounds preposterous, but essentially means that any meaningful change requires more risk than I’ve ever thrown at anything. Quite frankly I’m scared, there’s all opportunity for things to go wrong, and what’s the chance of success?

So what about all these great alternatives? The things I could imagine myself doing instead? I have little idea. When someone asks me directly, I have the same answer, that the tragedy of my life is that I’ve never found anything that I really had a passion for. Well, I’ve been fond of photography ever since I got my first proper camera, a Canon EOS 400D, and I took time off between my bachelor and master’s degree to pursue it. All the passion I had for photography evaporated overnight as soon as it became a job, as soon as I had to perform, as soon as I had to photograph things of no interest to me.

I ponder endlessly, thinking and thinking until I go mad (I’m a bad consumer, I got so stuck with considering a purchase, that I end up not buying anything), but still I haven’t figured out from my interests and aptitudes what I would either like or be/feel good at. I’m beginning to feel desperate, for this can’t be my life forever and ever, and so I’m thinking of ways “out”. I have decent savings, I could go out and see more of the world for probably five years, which at first feels primo, I’ve always been a keen traveller, but where would it lead me? Back to where I am now, but penniless and a with a significant gap on my CV. It’s not that that’s inherently bad, but it’s just postponing a problem until it will probably be even harder to tackle.

I’m not the first person in this situation, nor will I be the last, and I can but marvel at the people who have scoffed at the problem and drastically changed their life. I’m trying to do something more cautious, more in line with me, which is becoming profecient and contented with my abilities at my current job, and using this confidence and calm to figure out what’s next. I feel that ripping up everything I’m doing now, just to sit on my butt and think, will do nothing productive for me.

Also, some people never get enough satisfaction from just their work, and need other stimulation necessary for a well-rounded life. That sounds like the healthy and rational approach, a holistic perspective on life, but right now, work is all that I have. I left a relationship over a year ago, and though I miss that closeness and connection most days, I just can’t find the energy or care, to go out and get hurt and disappointed again. Modern dating feels artificial to me, what happened to my younger times, when I’d naturally meet people? I suppose that was when I was active in Scouting, a student at Uni, a frequent guest to hostels, a time in my life when meeting people just came more naturally than at work in a government agency, where I more often than not end up working during the weekend.

I never found a passion for work, either while studying (barely graduated sixth form), or now that I’m working. People tell me that I should feel a devotion to my field, but that has never happened, in anything. Even my dearly treasured travelling is just escapism. Instead I just followed a path set forth for me from childhood, culminating in studying something sensible at uni (law), and working for the government. Dull, predictable, it’s no wonder I’ve never made friends at school, but through Scouting and travelling. “Do what you find interesting, and you’ll meet interesting people”, so why don’t I rip up the fabric of my life and do something entirely different? My life so far has conditioned me not too, and I’m still working on accepting my dissatisfaction and changing my life accordingly, but isn’t this need for comfort even when trying to change my life, self-defeating?

Am I not just carrying over my “vices” to a new life?