7/23/21
I just now realized my last post didn't save. That's a shame. SO much has happened ...
I honestly don't know what to say. I'm so broken. Why do I still love this man? A “man” who is so completely obsessed with my daughter. A man who claims to love me but is so consumed with hatred for my daughter. A hatred that has completely overpowered his love for me. Did he ever really love me? Am I in love with an illusion of a good man? A “what could have been” man?
I took a chance on love and I lost it all.
For the past week and a half (ish) I have been homeless. Living in a hotel. Completely alone. No job. No family. No friends. Anxiety at a constant 11. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I get out of my head? Stressing about every little detail. Fighting about every little detail. First my phone #. That took a day and a half to resolve. Finally managed to gain ownership of that. Then my cats. He threatened to take them to the shelter if I didn't get them immediately. I had to drop everything, get the cops involved. Then getting moved out. For several days he refused to let me get my stuff while he was out of the house. Insisted on being there. Anxiety through the roof. Can't handle another scene. Changed the locks. Told me he would be there, along with his parents. Restraining order filed. Never served. One day he started speaking amicably and allowed me to move out. Rose and Joel came to help. He came home from work around 1 p.m. (never works a full day, remember?) and started to get upset. So he left. Came back a few hours later after a few drinks and confrontational. The three of us got my stuff packed and moved into storage in a matter of 7-8 hours. But then they left the next morning. Never had enough time to really sit and process everything. To enjoy my sister. To really talk. Alone again. Totally alone. Except for Madeline, who acts like this isn't really affecting her all that much. He expects me to put this burden on her. But I can't. She's a teenager! We're in a single room in a hotel that allows cats. Sleeping in the same bed. Absolutely no privacy. The other day I broke down crying right in front of her.
For the past week and a half (ish) I have been living a nightmare. So stressed. Running on pure adrenaline, from the moment I wake up – way too early – to the moment I collapse – way too late. I have no appetite. I've barely eaten. Lost a ton of weight. 8 lb? 9? The clothes I do have hang on me. And just like that I'm almost to my goal weight. Probably would look amazing in that white dress right about now. Shame it's packed away. I wonder if I'll ever wear it? I need a beach. Or even a fishing partner. I've been telling myself I should go for a bike ride. Or a hike. Or even a run. SOMEthing to decompress. But the idea of being alone with my thoughts is more than I can bear. What I wouldn't give for some anti-anxiety meds right now. Something ... ANYthing ... to pull me back down to the ground and let me relax for a moment.
We are still talking. After I got my stuff out I had the restraining order dismissed. Didn't want him retaliating – which is exactly what he threatened to do when he found out. We've had a few good days, but mostly he just wants to fight. Refuses to stop going on about Madeline. Of course he blames her for everything. She's his scapegoat. It's easier to blame her than take responsibility for his own actions. His own words. His hatred of her is like nothing I have ever seen before. I get it. She started it. She persisted in it. For a VERY long time. He fed right into it. Magnified it 100x. Now this. He refuses to let it go. Pick his battles. Well, he picks every last one. Every little detail must be gone over with a fine-toothed comb. At my expense. Always at my expense. For days.
Madeline has a big robotics competition this weekend. Her school is hosting. The entire time I've been with Garrett I haven't been able to participate in or attend her school activities. She's been trying to get me to volunteer to help with setup and teardown. I really didn't want to, but this morning I decided to go ahead and do it. I needed something to keep me busy and out of my head. The walls in this hotel room are closing around me. I'm glad I did. I met a few people. Did something productive. For the first time in weeks my anxiety calmed a bit.
Today's conversation: G: What r u doing E: I'm at the school setting up for a competition. I needed a distraction ... G: Cool G: Until when E: Probably late E: At least after dinner G: Have fun says a lot good bye!!! G: Kiss her ass E: You know I've been dying to get out and meet people. G: Please stop G: Million things to do and you chose this. Hasn't even been a day and you flip flopping. E: I needed a break. E: and most of my stuff got done. E: I shouldn't have to explain myself G: You tried to play both sides and it drove a wedge between us. It's fine E: Once again you're assuming the worst. I'm not allowed to do anything for ME because it makes you mad. G: Not the point at all. Do what makes you happy G: I'm actually not mad at all. Maybe at myself, but not at you. G: This needs to be goodbye, you need to take care of her and unfortunately we can't have a relationship because of it. E: I need to be allowed to take care of me too. E: This being afraid to go out and do things because it might make you mad can stop now. G: I never said you couldn't. I begged you to. You chose her E: You never came out and said it, but you always seem to find a way to get mad when I do. E: You don't want to do things with me. Meet people with me. Make friends with me. G: Quit trying to twist things it's not going to work. Like I said you choose her G: Enjoy her, it has nothing to do with you meeting new people, just another lie. You refused to do so E: Once again you're convincing yourself. I chose YOU but no matter what I did you pushed me away. E: I'm not repeating this conversation. Let me know when you want to discuss something positive. G: I can't live with her and can love anyone that supports her. This is 100 percent about her. You can't handle that. Quit telling yourself lies E: I was actually going to leave in a bit so I could spend time with you. G: Sure you were. E: I was asked to set up for dinner. My job is done. G: I'm sure you were asked by your kid E: I was asked by the adult in charge. E: I'm not a child G: Oh ok G: Did you find a place to live E: Yes. Unless you know of something closer. G: Nope, enjoy. Goodbye and good luck G: the thread that was holding us together has been cut E: Because I found a place to live? G: Now you can go to your grave knowing you have done everything for your daughter E: Since you are determined to fight instead of trying to work things out I will no longer continue killing myself trying to please you G: I'm done trying to work things out, you were killing yourself trying your hardest to play both sides. I can't handle the lies. I wish you the best of luck. You made your choice and I will respect that decision G: You manipulated yourself back into my life in November with your sob story. Your tears. I don't want to hear it anymore.
And then he blocked me. I went over to his place. He and Zach were having steaks for dinner. How nice. At least he wasn't an ass ... at first. But then he started up again about Madeline. Got himself worked up like he always does, so I left. He is really, truly OBSESSED. It's sick. Sad, really. 47 year old man that can't stop whining about a 17 year old girl. Insisted on using her to destroy his relationship with his “soulmate,” the “love of his life.”
Looks a lot like he's mad I found a place to live. He knew how stressed I was about it. The rental market is insane right now. Not a whole lot out there. Most places aren't even available until October, far, or way too expensive. I'm being told it's because of the sellers market. People selling their houses are doing so faster than ever and snapping up the rentals. This means renters get to be choosy. My whole unemployed status is NOT working in my favor! I stumbled upon this place by chance. Referred by another apartment complex. Looked at a unit, but 18 hours later it was taken. I reached out to the manager and learned a tenant may have to break his lease due to a death in the family. 2 days later it was mine. Problem? It's in Waukesha. 10 minutes from Madeline's school and 30 minutes from his house. He is not pleased. Too far for his liking. I guess he doesn't understand the concept that he can't have his cake and eat it too. He wanted me out. I told him if he kept telling me to leave I would. He did it again. I kept my word. He agreed I had to go. I guess he thinks he's entitled to have a say in where I go. It's very inconvenient for him. He can't stand the thought of actually having to date again. Of me not being at his disposal. Available for his every beck & call. Now he would actually have to make an effort. Deep down, I wonder if he thought he would talk me into coming back. Not this time, bro. What's that saying about catching more flies with honey?
For the past week and a half I have been an emotional wreck. Feeling the loneliness down to the marrow in my bones. Scalding tears dripping off my jaw several times a day.
Today I am numb.