Shattered

Today is 7 weeks no contact, which ties the record without a cluster b episode and discard. My mind is still untangling past events. Now it's things I had completely forgotten about. It's like I'm seeing these events in the natural sunlight for the first time. I'm realizing with a new clarity how early and intricate the deception was.

I'm still angry. Not always and I don't dwell on it, but every once in a while a memory hits and I'm pissed at both the abuse and the enablers. I still want to set the record straight. I still want to expose him. I still want to warn potential future victims. I still want to watch when karma collects her dues. But I don't attempt any of these things. I know how they would end.

I am stronger now. Instead, when this happens I focus on myself. I reconnect with my passions. The gym and my bike have become my lifeline. My body is responding faster than expected. I guess I had more trapped cortisol than I realized. I'm sleeping better, though not yet completely normal.

Yesterday I looked in the mirror. Really looked. The woman staring back at me was not the woman he abused and discarded. She was also not the woman he met. She was an entirely new person. She had a light in her eyes. A strength in her gaze. A determination in her shoulders. She was beautiful. As I stared I realized this woman would terrify him. His insecurities would cower in her presence. As they should.

The next milestone is my daughter's birthday, followed by Mother's Day. Both are days I've come to dread because of his obsessive hatred and his tendency to throw temper tantrums right before days that mean something to me. This year I get to celebrate both days however I choose, with people who actually DO love me and without DRAMA!!!

Next after that is the one year anniversary of Tori's death. That will be an extremely hard day. But I must stay away at all costs. I must not allow myself to be available as his emotional punching bag. She is gone. Grieving with him won't bring the comfort I think it will. I can honor her best by honoring and maintaining the no contact she herself implemented 6 months before her death. He can live the rest of his life without both of us. Which is exactly what he wanted anyway, isn't it?