Friday 7/9/21 He bought me flowers. He actually bought me flowers. Yesterday afternoon my anxiety started to spike again. The further it got past 2:00 (when he normally gets home) the worse it got. So I decided to do some shopping in Waukesha. Stopped one place, then was going to go to Woodman's. But I forgot my list. On my way back I realized I didn't want to be in this house. So I kept driving. Turned the music way up and cleared my head. Around 4:30 I decided I better head back home. When I got back I looked at my phone and realized I had a text from him. I wasn't wearing my watch and I keep my phone on silent because my notifications irritate him. “I picked up steaks.” When I walked in the door the first thing I noticed was Fox News blaring and him laying on the couch (okay, that's two things). Then I noticed flowers on the table. I didn't say anything until he took a break and went outside. He's impossible to talk to when he's distracted by the contentious monologue, and true to form he took a nap first. G: Did you see I got you something? E: Flowers. G: Oh, you did notice. E: Of course I noticed. Thank you. G: You say I never get you flowers. E: You don't ever get me flowers. Thank you. G: Do you like them? E: They're the same ones you sent me for my birthday. They're pretty. G: (offended) They're not the same ones. That was in Tucson. E: Yes, but it's the same mix. G: Well, you liked then. E: I do like them. They're pretty. Thank you for getting me flowers. I didn't point out that my birthday was 8 months ago. Or that they're grocery store flowers. I don't mind grocery store flowers. It's better than nothing. Actually, I prefer them over something showy. It's a sweeter gesture. I told him once I would settle for a dandelion picked off the lawn, because it would mean he was thinking of me. (Joe Biden did that recently, I thought it was sweet. He hates Joe Biden.) Too bad the TV put a damper on the whole experience. I'm well aware some people might think I'm whining if they were to read this. I'm sure I'll be called ungrateful in the coming days. The truth is there's usually a motive. The flowers for my birthday were a ploy to get me back. Or maybe a reward for giving him what he wanted. I had left him and went home to Tucson. He had plans to go hunting that weekend. I couldn't bear the thought of spending my birthday ignored, lonely, neglected. Or worse: fighting, being called names, being told to leave. Crying. So I packed up the car and left while he and Zach were out working on a side job. I ended up doing those things anyway. He spent the first half of my birthday texting really awful things to me. Accusations and blames. Went on for several hours about how Madeline is so awful, badgering me into finding a way to get rid of her (by way of pressuring me into putting her in a boarding school or halfway house), accusing me of doing nothing, calling me a terrible mother in every way possible. By mid afternoon I was so worn down by the endless harassment I caved. Apologized for leaving. Started looking at boarding schools (even got my mom on board with it). Resigned myself to selling my house and dumping the entire proceeds into a boarding school. $60k+ a year. 3 ½ hours later Instacart delivered a bottle of Clamato and grocery store flowers. The only reason I got anything for my birthday is because I groveled and did exactly what he wanted. On MY birthday. He couldn't even give me a break for one single day. He still claims he had a weekend planned in Door County for my birthday. I'm now certain that was a lie, fabricated to make me feel guilty for leaving. I have yet to see a single reservation confirmation or anything else to indicate that he actually made any plans. He STILL hasn't taken me there. It's been 8 months. Side note: Why am I just now realizing this inconsistency in his story? Deer hunting season 2020 was 11/21 – 11/29. It opened on my birthday (Saturday) and closed the following Sunday. All he talked about in the weeks leading up to it was going hunting opening weekend. Later he claimed he wasn't going to hunt on my actual birthday, just the day after. But he also claimed he planned a surprise trip to Door County for my birthday that weekend. Says we were going to leave Friday and come home Sunday or Monday. Impossible. Can't go to Door County and hunt in your own county at the same time. I absolutely believe he planned to hunt the weekend of my birthday. Up until this moment I believed he may have thought about going to Door County, but hadn't made any actual plans. I now know the idea didn't occur until after I left. And it occurred for the sole purpose of guilt-tripping me. Madeline got home before dinner. I told her she would have to find something for herself for dinner. Garrett got steaks but I didn't know if he got enough for everyone. See, Garrett doesn't feel obligated to feed the whole family – just himself. This was a huge issue for us early on – especially in the early Covid days after Zach came down to Tucson to stay with us. I grew up with strong family values. Every night, no matter what was going on, we would sit down and have a meal together as a family. I carried that value into my own family. It's important to me. Garrett hates eating together as a family. He bitched so much about it I finally just gave up. It's awful. I can't stand to sit down and eat in front of my child, who is still looking for something to eat or asking if she can have our leftovers. I feel like a terrible parent. (In the Amish/Mennonite community the children are actually served first.) When I cook I make enough for everyone. 9 times out of 10 Zach says he's not hungry and won't eat. He's learned this selfish trait all too well and has already fed himself. When Garrett cooks he makes just enough for the two of us. Occasionally he'll include Zach. Never Madeline. He hates her. The other night he gave her a rude response when she asked if she could have some of the leftovers he had heated up. Something along the lines of “we need to eat first.” So last night I was shocked when I discovered there was actually enough food for everyone. He bought three ribeyes, but they were massive. (I don't care for ribeyes. They're too fatty. I prefer filet or sirloin, but that's besides the point. I'll admit these ones were pretty good.) I'll only eat half a ribeye, so I split mine with Madeline. We even all sat at the table, ate together, and had almost normal conversation. I don't know if it was intentional, but it was so beautiful for my soul I could cry.
The sad thing is I can't even enjoy the good days/weeks anymore. Because now I know they're just part of the cycle. The better they are, the worse the bad days will be. I spend those days stressing about the next fight. When will it happen? What will trigger it? Is there something – ANYthing – I can do to prevent it? (No.) What awful things will he say/do this time? Some days I splurge and let myself believe he really is trying this time. But that's dangerous. What I need – DESERVE – is a long term commitment to change. Consistency. The only way that will happen is if he sets his pride aside, admits he is abusive, and commits – truly applies himself – to an abuser treatment program. He will never do that. He is too selfish. He enjoys the benefits of his abuse way too much to ever let it go. That is something only a real man can do. That is not Garret Dow.
I've been noticing lately that when Garrett is around I can't make eye contact with my daughter. Even on the good days. It can't be anything other than shame. I'm ashamed. Of him. Of the way he treats her. Of myself. Of the way I allow him to treat her. Of the way I treat her to appease him. How do I fix this?
Chatting with my friend Steph today (not the ex) and she says “Em you are worthy of being loved CORRECTLY.” That about knocked the wind out of me. I could hardly breathe. Because she is SO right. Why is it so hard to remember that some days?