It's Been 2 Years

July 13, 2024

Tonight the tears came. The ones I was expecting a couple of weeks ago. Around the 2-year anniversary of her death. But they didn’t then. I have been too numb. Maybe dissociating … I don’t know. But tonight the tears came – by way of a lucid dream that led to a panic attack.

I dreamed that I bumped into her mother in an airport – an ongoing (irrational) fear of mine. And then it all came out ..

God, I hate PTSD.

If I could carve out that entire section of my life, I would. All of it. Nothing good came of that. I’m not “stronger” because of it. I am broken. If I could go back to 2019 and rewrite history, I would. Erase the abuse and the heartbreak. Yes, those years lead me to two beautiful souls. But at what cost? Only to lose both in diversely tragic ways. And then there’s the collateral damage that was done. Devastating damage that can never be reversed.

Satan, himself, became my reality and I will never forget it.