Monday 8/16/21 Talked with Scott. I told him I don’t like the person I become when we fight. This is not who I am, and this is not who I want to be. I am not proud of myself, I am ashamed. I feel like he brings out the worst in me. He asked me to describe myself when I get this way. I told him I feel like sometimes I stoop to his level. It wasn’t always this way. Early on I was good about staying calm. But when that didn’t work I started to change. Like I was taking on his darkness, adopting his demons as my own, and starting to act just like him. I told him about yelling … I hate to yell. I told him that I got frustrated and threw my phone the other day, breaking it. This is not acceptable. Phones are expensive. We all stopped doing that in the early 2000s when we got rid of our flip phones. This behavior is not acceptable for me. I told him I also need some comping techniques to help me not engage in the arguments. It ruins my whole day, I can’t concentrate on anything.
- There is a reason for everything we do and don’t do. Identify the BEST reason.
- Take a time out
- Keep a journal
- Write tools, things we talk about, things that happened, what I did, and the results
- Pray about it
What if he refuses a time out? 1. Ask for a time out 2. Repeat once 3. Let him know I will hang up or go into another room 4. If he follows, leave
Scott relayed from Garrett: Not living together is not because he hates Madeline, but because of my moods when I get upset at Madeline. He feels like I turn to him to pick me up when I’m down, and it’s too much responsibility for him. I told Scott I feel like he looks too far into things. A lot of times I just need to vent, but get accused of complaining. I told him I need someone I can talk to. Garrett has told me I’m not allowed to vent to him about this subject. But isn’t this what partners are supposed to do? If I don’t have him to vent to, I have no one. Scott agreed venting (in moderation) is healthy. Otherwise we just bottle it up inside.
- Tell him I need to vent. “Hey, I just need to vent. I don’t expect you to fix me, lift me up, etc. I just need you to listen for about 5 minutes. Is that okay?”
- When I find myself needing more from him, (feeling down/depressed, etc.) go to God first. Ask God to let me feel his love. God wants to be our first go-to.
- Keep a journal
- Write down what expectations I have of Garrett. And the reactions.
What’s the good reason? When I feel like I’m not being heard, or my needs don’t matter, it puts me in a childlike place. This causes a person to either shut down or become reactive. Instead:
- Try a time out
- Pray about it
- Come back to it
- OR … agree to not discuss it until we can discuss it with Scott together
- Explain to Garrett what I’m doing/needing and why.
***
Monday 8/16/21 Already we’re in an argument. Garrett was in a snippy mood tonight. He’s irritated because I stopped by today to pick up some stuff out of the freezer and pantry – all things I had purchased over the months. I didn’t take anything that I, personally, didn’t buy. I didn’t clean him out. I was very careful to take mostly things he/they don’t even use, and the things that they did use, I at least left some there for them. I guess he expected me to leave everything for them to enjoy and just re-purchase it for myself. He said he thought some of the stuff was purchased as part of our “living agreement”. (We had no living agreement. Never once sat down and worked out finances. I simply started pitching in, took over the electricity bill, once the house sold I started paying him rent. Somewhere along the line I ended up doing all of the grocery shopping. He just simply wouldn’t do it. So as we needed things I took it upon myself to buy them.)
Yesterday afternoon we went fishing. When we got back, Zach was outside grilling the chicken breasts that Garrett had marinaded – presumably for us. I told him how much it sucked last night to watch him and Zach eat food that I purchased (in this case, chicken breast). Food that he never would have purchased (he will only buy legs – when they’re on sale). He only had enough for two (2 breasts, they each can eat one), which made me feel like an imposter. And then to get home hungry, and I have no real meals. The only meat in the house was tuna, but I didn’t even have a can opener … because that’s at Garrett’s house! (all three can openers, actually). Even if we did have a “living agreement” about groceries, it doesn’t make sense to expect me to continue feeding them after moving out of the house. It would be more than fair to agree to split the remaining groceries 50/50. It just seems so unfair to me that I’m expected to leave behind everything I bought and buy it all again for myself – or go without while they continue enjoying the benefits of my contribution for months. Rather than trying to understand why that might have hurt me – or would have offended him if the tables were turned – he wanted to argue about all the money he paid eating out through the course of our relationship. He claims $400-$500/week. (Towards the end, we did eat out often – maybe 3-4 times a week. At roughly $80/meal, that would be $240-$320/week. Split in half: $120-$160/week.) I told him our feelings don’t always have to compete with each other. He is always keeping score. I can’t ever tell him about anything that bothers me without 1) being accused of complaining constantly, and 2) hearing a list of complaints about him. Never once has he allowed me to talk about my feelings without talking about HIS feelings – as if they’re more important. He called me while I was making dinner. “Guessing your not alone so you can’t talk. Call me when you feel like it.” I called him back while I was eating. He was very short with me. The conversation turned back to finances. He continues to insist I wasn’t paying my fair share in the household. Somehow it came out that Zach doesn’t actually pay rent. (Several months ago he told me that Zach pays him $500/month. I assumed that was rent, so I adjusted what I was giving him toward his mortgage based on this.) Today he claims he only gets $450 from Zach, and it’s for his car payment, insurance and cell phone. The kid is 19 years old and living in the house, using the electricity, and eating the groceries for free. After all his talk about wanting me to make Madeline pay rent NOW, then kick her out as soon as she turns 18 and graduates high school. I didn’t get the opportunity to try Scott’s tools because he hung up on me. But he continued via text. Told me I “got off easy” living in his house. Said it defines “exactly who you are.” Accused me of taking advantage and called me selfish. I simply told him I’m going before it gets ugly. Wished him a good night and blocked him. As expected, I have an email in my spam folder from him. “Once again, Emily doesn't like the truth and has to block my number like a child. You got way more financially out of our agreement than I. Another reminder of why I want to throw in the towel. This needs to end. Please stop pillaging my home. Take care of yourself. You lived of my heart long enough!” Sent Garrett an email:
*****
to Garrett
Scott encouraged me to tell you about some of what we talked about today. He may have even brought it up in your session with him.
Over the past several days this has been weighing heavily on my heart. It's been bothering me for a while, but I think breaking my phone was a big wake up call. I don't like the person I become when we fight. This is not who I am. This is certainly not who I want to be! I don't behave like a person I can be proud of. I am ashamed of the things I say and the way I act when I get into a “fit of rage” as you call it. And now I'm to the point where I'm breaking things. This is not okay. I told Scott this behavior is not acceptable and I need help finding a way to stop myself from acting this way. I also told him I need some coping techniques to help me to not engage in the arguments. I just can't seem to help but to respond, and it never helps – it ALWAYS gets nasty. And I think we can both agree it's happening way too often these days.
Part of Scott's advice was to take a time out. I'm asking you to respect me in that. I need you to understand that when I remove myself from an argument, it's for no reason other than this: I am fighting hard to stop myself from behaving in an ugly way. From saying or doing something I will regret later. I don't want to hurt you. I want to be a better person. I am asking for your support in this.
***
Tuesday 8/17/21 I woke up to an email from Garrett:
Emily, Your accusations of me have become unbearable. These rages have not gone unnoticed but yet you spent months blaming me. I'm glad your able to talk about it with Scott. This isn't anything knew. I have been also talking with Scott. This was only part of what we discussed. As I've said, your accusations have become to much for me to deal with. The fact you accually believed I was living off you and Zach? You knew damn well what he was paying for and what I was getting! I'm done defending myself. You want to believe that you were being taken advantage of then so be it. I'm not looking for you to change. But seriously, I don't want to be with a person like that. I want to move forward in a positive way. I've been trying. You have attacked me verbally in every single way possible. Scott told me that things might not change with me being in your life. I'll always be the target. Is this true? Last year, I paid for Scott. This year, I'm paying 100/wk to talk to him. For what? I'm not made of money. Especially when I've blown so much in the last year. You have no clue exactly how much I've gone through. I did this out of love. But you turn it. You think I was living off you when in turn the actual numbers are quite the opposite. I guess you believe it's just what I'm supposed to do. It's not and I'm not anymore. I'm done spending money talking to Scott having to correct the story. You lived rent free till your house was sold. After you sold your house , you paid 500/month. We split the groceries until after the first of the year when I realized that my son only ate here 5-10 percent of the time. I was taking you out 3-4 times a week and 90 percent of the time, things were out on my card. Your purchases you made damn sure you took with you. The only person eating almost everything was your kid! Not mine! Yours! Even in Tucson I paid for almost everything! Yes you had your mortgage, utilities. So did I. I had my trailer and lot rent which was again more than you and I still payed for us to go out. If this is who you are, I don't want it in my life. You got all but hurt because I'm eating everyday. Even though I actually went to the grocery store and purchased groceries. I bought 1600 worth of fucking beef! Your actions today made me think , do I really want her over hear for dinner? God knows I'll never be eating at your place. You made sure I'm not welcome there! For the last week, I e been telling Scott I just want to move on. I want to get past this negativity , this vindictive behavior. I need to get back to the person I was before we met. This has been very difficult. I'm not justifying myself to you anymore. I'm not defending myself anymore. I can change who you are not do I want to. If you want to believe all those things that's your choice but I don't have to continue with someone that not only hurts me but financially took advantage
***
I'm having a very hard time refraining from responding. The miscommunication about finances is so glaringly obvious to me. I can't stand that after all I've done to be generous and NEVER take advantage of him, I'm still called selfish and accused of taking advantage. I guess my reason is that I need him to see that I'm not this awful person he always accuses me of being. I need him to see that I was trying my best. I need him to understand and give me some credit. I know it's useless, because he's determined to be angry at me, to make everything my fault. It hurts too much to admit the things he's done. Maybe that's why we clash so hard. He can't stand that I call him out on his shit. Makes him uncomfortable – why wouldn't it?