Thursday 7/8/21 Lately I've been beating myself up quite a bit for letting the abuse go on for this long. I should have walked away at the first red flag. I should have shut it down the first time he showed me his anger. I shouldn't have bent to his will. I shouldn't have compromised my values to appease him. I shouldn't have allowed his temper to control me, to scare me. I should have been more firm. Stood stronger for myself, more often. I shouldn't have given him the benefit of the doubt as many times as I have. I should have locked the door behind this man the first time he walked out. I should have blocked his number and never let him come back. I distinctly remember telling him I don't play the “I'm leaving” game. He got mad and insisted he wasn't playing games. Clearly he didn't believe me, because he did it again. And again. And again. Now more times than I can count. I left him three times. I shouldn't have come back any of those times. Especially not the last one. I shouldn't have fell for his lies. I certainly shouldn't have believed his empty promises. I could go on all day. But why am I blaming myself for his actions? He has already mastered the skill of blaming me (and Madeline) for literally everything that happens. Why would I join him? I have told him many times he is fully responsible for his words and his actions. Nobody can make him say or do the things he does – only he can. So why do I act like I don't believe that myself? Why do I treat myself like crap? It's bad enough that he does it. I deserve better. And while I can't make him treat me how I deserve to be treated, I certainly can be better to myself. I woke up this morning deciding I am no longer going to blame myself. My self worth comes from within. It should in no way be dependent on another's person's opinions or words. Certainly not those of a small, hateful, poor excuse of a man. The truth is I did those things because I'm an optimist and a romantic. I'm trusting and loving. Loyal and honest to a fault. Willing to fight for what's right and work hard at sorting out our differences. I strive to be a better person and help others on their journey. These are all GOOD traits.. Yes, they make me vulnerable and sometimes allow me to be hurt. But they also open doors to life and love. These very qualities are what make true happiness a reality. I am not to blame when someone takes advantage of the good in me and uses it for their own gratification.

This is NOT my fault!

The right man – a good man – will be capable of identifying these qualities and nurturing them rather than exploiting them. He will build me up, not tear me down. He will speak with kindness. He will treat me with respect at all times, even (especially) when we disagree. He will also strive to be a better person. He will not be offensive and therefore will not be easily offended. He will make me his equal partner rather than a possession, housemaid, or even enemy. He will embrace my family and friends as his own and encourage me to do the same with his. He will love me like only a genuine man loves a genuine woman. He will be man enough to admit when he's wrong, and make it right when he hurts me. And he will NEVER hurt me intentionally. Today I know I will be okay. Because I am strong. I will not allow Garrett – or anyone – to destroy me. I certainly won't join in. The beautiful thing about my integrity and character is they are the core of who I am. He can attack them all he wants. He may bruise or even break my spirit, but he will never change who I am deep down inside. He will not turn me into him.

***

A few weeks ago I picked up a book titled Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies. I bought it because the title made me laugh, because lilies are my favorite flower, and because Garrett NEVER buys me flowers. It's actually a really good book about taking control of your life, becoming a better person, and treating yourself better. One of the first chapters challenged me to write down 10 thinks I like about myself. Here's what I wrote:

  1. I Am Strong. I've been through a lot. I'm going through hell right now. Some days it feels like things will never get better. But I've been here before. If there's anything I know about myself, it's that I ALWAYS make it through, and I always come out a better person.
  2. I Am Kind. Even when others aren't. It's not easy. See #1.
  3. I Am Intelligent. There isn't much I can't learn (or figure out for myself) when I set my mind to it. Get out of my way.
  4. I Am Honest. To a fault. This gets me in trouble sometimes. But I never have to worry about keeping my story straight. There is no story. Just facts.
  5. I Have Integrity. No one can take that from me. They might try, but no matter what they do they won't succeed.
  6. I Am Patient. I haven't always been, but I have learned a lot and grown through my experiences.
  7. I Am Not Afraid Of/To Change. Change is hard. Change hurts. It can be lonely. But change is growth. Change is healthy. Change is good.
  8. I Work Hard. Too hard, sometimes.
  9. I Am Giving. I am not a taker. I have a heart for people and am at my happiest when I can make a difference in someone else's life.
  10. I Am Beautiful. I don't mean pretty. It's not something that can be seen with your eyes. It's character, and I'm proud of it.