藍玫瑰

BodyImage

should i even write stream of consciousness as naturally as i have been?

should i try to write more... coherently? cohesively?

Today's thought is:

I see a lot of pretty skinny people take phone mirror selfies holding their phone in a certain way. it personally hurts my hands to try to take a selfie like that with one hand, and it also feels unnecessary, but i guess...

everybody i see who takes these phone mirror selfies have really skinny fingers, and you can see the bones in their arms.

i wonder: do they think about this? do they realize that they might be perpetuating anything? do i overthink the meaning of everything else? maybe.

[ edit, 2022 april 24, 23:07 ] i think my point in mentioning this (and the idea of someone choosing to perpetuate something) is, it's not an arbitrary pattern. it appears to be a trend. [/ edit ]

i'm trying to learn how to be more Grey. i have been naturally becoming more gREY since last april, 2021. but i think i am forcing myself, often, to think things i don't think. yes, be more grey. but, much like in the old days, perhaps... always? — i have a way i think i should be “thinking”, and try to bend my brain that way, instead of asking myself how i really feel, or what i really think.

because i feel like how i really feel, or what i really think, is wrong.

so here's the rub of writing again, for the internet, on the internet. i meant to write, on the internet.

everything i write feels like it is imperfect, it is “not perfect yet (brain typo) enough”.

that's part of why i stopped working on ANTIHEROINE.co for so long. and i still struggle with it. “How can I make this paragraph... better? It feels like it's missing something,” I ask myself, frustrated, even though there's nothing more, even, to say.

i used to stare at each article and reread it over and over, trying to figure out if there was a single comma that was missing.

so when i see selfies like that, i feel:

  • insecure, like they understand how to perform “coolness” (and... femininity? “Coolness”? “Femininity”? “Youth”?) in a way that i can't
  • insecure
  • i stare at their bony wrists. perhaps it's my fault for even having feelings about another person's body. these are not shallow people, they are activists, artists.

it's 2022, and i've never talked about my eating disorder of 11+ years with a therapist.

I feel insecure, so I hate things. I hate things, I'm jealous, I'm envious.

i constantly feel like i'm failing at something

maybe that's why i feel this way.

I'm so much more honest with myself and my feelings and it all seems so much darker

i don't know does it feel innocent? even when i was depressed in early university, i did not write like this.

i tried to imbue some sort of hope, embody hope.

was i lying to myself? that's how i felt, after i started having mental breakdowns (again) after i graduated university.

but i was happier then, and i'm not as happy now.

i was happier when i had some hope, but i also want to be grounded in reality.

i am more grounded in reality than i was when i was younger, and that is why i am more depressed.

or... something.

it's not good enough. it's not good enough. it's not good enough. your pure thoughts are not good enough. you are worth nothing.

it's all envy and insecurity, probably. i just imagine every other beautiful person is better than me. it's fucked up, honestly. i know i need to talk about that in therapy.

#StreamOfConsciousness #TrueFeelings #BodyImage