Disjointed Musings on Core Beliefs
I am still overwhelmed with all the tasks that should be finished. I did make some progress yesterday. As I wrote about before, the shame is telling me to do more. No time to be happy about accomplishing much yesterday, do more.
I am always playing catch-up. Perhaps I am trying to make up for some failure in the past. Trauma has my body reliving that failed moment over and over again every time? My jaw is tight. I am frustrated. I am angry that I cannot fully figure this out. There's some social comparison happening. I see others in my life free of these issues in my thoughts.
A deep breath. Thoughts are not facts. My mind is a social network feed of everyone living their best lives. Yet, friends in my life are not free of burdens. Like social media, my mind is curating the details. The shame is using social comparison to 'motivate' me. This is something I know well. Shame is my absolute motivation tool. While some therapists that I have talked to have been giving me the branded advice 'Just Do it,' my mind prefers, 'Don't fuck it up.'
Why can I not catch-up with my to-do list? Why is my list an infinity of unfinished tasks? It is never enough because I am not enough. Something here clicks. Making that connection between the endless task list and my core belief, 'I am not enough' somehow makes me feel lighter. Tension in my jaw has gone down.
There's a curiosity, possibly motivated by the shame, around this connection. I have been working on 'I am not enough' in my EMDR treatments. How is that core belief still so active? Am I doing EMDR wrong? Am I lying to the psychiatrist in the sessions?
My experience and past volunteer work has taught me a lot about the Autonomic Nervous System. This is the on/off switch inside us that has rest/recover/tend/befriend on one side and fight/flight/freeze on the other. One of the ways to reset this part of the nervous system is from the bottom up. When we are in fight/flight/freeze the nervous system engages us physically. Muscles tense, breath becomes shallow, and all the other changes to help us defend ourselves in an attack. Working from the bottom up, I can do some deep breathing or meditation to reset the Autonomic Nervous System to get back to rest/recover.
Perhaps my core belief of I am not enough is in the process of being changed by EMDR, but like the Autonomic Nervous System there are many parts to a core belief. That mantra of 'I am not enough' may be less charged emotionally for me, but the processes that it triggers are still active. 'I am not enough' equals motivation to finish the infinity to-do list in my mind. The tasks (not all of them) are a reality. They do not disappear with the change of my core belief. So when I start doing things on the to-do list, I am traveling from the bottom up to 'I am not enough?'