Passive-Aggressive To-Do
The list beckons. A written to-do list is merely a bookmark for the ongoing burden in my mind. There's an endless list moving through my neurons, all the shoulds from a lifetime.
Trauma can often leave people stuck in the moment when they were traumatized. Someone pulled the fire alarm and 30 years later it is still wailing. Therefore, I wonder if the Infinity Should List that is my mind has dropped tasks into the fire. No matter what I accomplish, there is always more to be done. I cannot stand back and look at clean dishes. I am off doing the laundry while thinking about 'how behind I am' with 4,682 other projects/ideas/chores. Looking at my screen as I type this, I realize I need to upgrade the hard drive on our family desktop because it is close to full. That task has been in the to-do pile for 2 years, at least. Everywhere I look is an unfinished chore. That text message from a friend is a reminder that I didn't sit down and make a card for another friend, like I told myself I would.
Writing a daily journal to explore my feelings was on the list, I did it for two days and this morning I was already feeling that I should spend my time better. The living room, dining room, and kitchen need to be cleaned because someone is coming to install blinds in 2 days. If I sit down to type, I might not get up. I am a lazy piece of garbage.
The dichotomy of “must prove to myself I can do it” and “I am garbage” is part of the ongoing cycle. Should I set a goal and accomplish it: Why didn't I do it sooner? Oh because I am garbage. Of course, if I do not reach my goal it proves I am garbage as well. Thus, I freeze. Why try? It results in pain.
I put off today's journal until I knew I would be interrupted. We had plans to take the dog to the park, so I sat down to start writing as my spouse was getting ready. When she was ready to go, I dropped the thoughts and dashed off. Once again, I put myself in the position where I would be unhappy. I should have written sooner. Now, I get to beat myself up about it. I should have said to my spouse, “I have identified that journaling is important. Can I have 20 minutes before we leave?” Instead, I stopped writing. I jumped to secure her happiness, I thought. Now, I can feel ashamed for not journaling and not speaking up about it.
There's a part of me that I very much dislike. There is a passive-aggressive tendency that I have a lot of difficulty recognizing. If I mention the incident to my partner now, there is a possibility that she will feel guilty. Thereby, transferring some of my guilt and shame to someone else. This may result in sympathy for me. I imagine that feels good because I rarely have sympathy for myself.
I have picked up on some of my passive-aggressive behaviors. I do a lot of teasing of those around me. I always have. It seems that some people believe I have a decent sense of humor. However, I noticed some of my teasing is a passive-aggressive, unflattering comment disguised with a smile and a chuckle. Comedy roasts only work when everyone knows it is a roast.
The reason I seem behave this way is out of fear. I do not want the spotlight on me. I do not want to give direct communication to someone because what if they do not like what I say? I will make a joke instead.
My friends and family around me may have experienced my passive-aggressive nature, or they haven't noticed. The issue is mine. Those teasing jokes are feeding my shame. They are reinforcing the neural pathways that are thriving on pain. I can ruminate about things I should not have done and said. And, the cycle continues.