Privileged Patterns

I feel like a petulant child. There's a real resistance to tasks I see as “have to.” Walking the dog is often a healthy experience, but I am required to do it. Thus, I put it off and procrastinate.

This seems like a common theme or pattern for me. At least, that's the critical part of me seeing this. If I “have to” ride my bike this month for charity it becomes difficult to do. Does that not seem like the ugly head of privilege?

Additionally, this is compounded by my tendency to put myself in can't win situations. I may feel less inclined to make a planned dinner for friends because it is a “have to,” but if it happened spontaneously my anxiety would jump me like a mugger in an alleyway.

Anxiety is part of this “have to” business. I am afraid. A “have to” is an expectation I can fail. I will fail. I do not think I am enough. How does one fail at walking the dog? My mind, the neurons in my brain are very practiced at making every task a burden. This is depression. This is trauma. This is how the simple and sometimes rewarding experience of walking a dog becomes charged with failure.

This is a familiar space for me. I can often subconsciously self-sabotage. My jaw is tight and my chest is constricted in fear that I will not meet an expectation. And so, I do not try. I fail.

I am used to feeling that pain in my chest and my jaw. It is familiar to feel like I am not enough. For my mind and body that have learned to be in pain, that unfamiliar feeling of success is more scary. Should I successfully accomplish a task, I think I will forever be expected to do it in the future. Those seconds of pride and joy will disappear and I will be left in the void with my pain. So, why bother?

It is interesting to read how I am dealing with this. There's a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality coming out. I call myself a petulant child and privileged. These observations can be true as well as the fact that it is not healthy to feel this way about myself.

Acceptance and self-compassion, where are you? I could really use your help.

I do not want to go too fast and burnout, especially since I am having trouble cycling after only a week. However, it may be time to add meditation to the journaling and exercise mix.