Shame Feels Absolute
I had a difficult EMDR session yesterday. It was very hard to tap into the fear and self hate because that's the road to suicide thoughts. Hence, my Little Suicide talk in the last journal. In fact, the particular memory we explored in therapy was the one that unequivocally led to my loss of the will to live and eventual hospital visit.
I think today there is some residual defiance leftover. I do not want to explore emotions today. I want to get on with my to-do list, accomplish things in hopes it will make me feel good. This is a familiar pattern. This is my neural superhighway, a neural pathway that I have fed in my brain for so long that it is a highway. Be numb, do stuff, get positive vibes from others, still feel shame, burnout.
Okay. Where am I emotionally? Deep breath.
I am anxious. There's a training course I have to attend this evening for the distress line volunteering I do. I am currently on a break from volunteering, I think I burned out. I am terrified of going back. My confidence that I can help others is shot. One perspective is that there are staff listeners who help us through calls as needed. My view is that they are critics, parents, teachers, and friends that I will fail. Their job is to literally help me be a better volunteer. It is natural that they will tell me how I can do better in the next call. To me, it is painful. I absorb the honest critique and feed the shame that's been growing inside me for 40+ years.
I am ashamed today, as well. Yesterday was the first day of Ride Don't Hide, a fundraising event for the local Canadian Mental Health Association. I took a break from the distress line, but volunteer to be on the committee for the event. I rode my bicycle yesterday, day 1. There's a whole month ahead of me. There are 29 days for me to fail.
This brings me to anger. That part of me that knows I will fail is furious. The name-calling and hate clenches my jaw. Why am I so pathetic? Why can I not be like others who seemingly are flawless? They are not facts. These thoughts are not reality. Inside my body, in my mind, they are absolute.