i dont think i finished writing this one..

but i am not about to read it and find out, for it is the end of the day, and i have now to un-wind. . .

For me usually the first thought is, “whoa, I'm still here.” then, where is my cat?

Next we jump pretty quickly to wondering how long it will take out to get out of bed, (and this is probably a consequence of a decade of trying everything to fix traumatic un-invited injuries (car accident, assault, etc- the post here talks about it, among other things:

I have been recovering from a very long term series of catastrophic injuries which have taught me a lot. This is a note to self as I round the corner on finally remedying the root causes that-post

So a common theme for me in the mornings the last decade has basically been “oh shit, I woke up again wow!” and “okay so now how do I get out of bed without suffering? So you can probably not imagine unless you have had a similar tragedy, how much something like this affects every aspect of your life.

Down to how you feel about yourself, and how you interpret the actions of other people.

It's trendy to call this PTSD, but it's a lot more accurate to call it deeply unresolved emotions, and life experiences that did not go as planned, and were contextually becoming deeply meaningful to the person experiencing them. This is not an easy transition to abruptly not having the influence and confluence or ebb and flow of some really good energy that you were learning from or growing together along with as you both experienced things, or what ever the situation looked like- humans are not wired to enjoy the removal of something pleasurable at an undesired time, however we're also wired to figure out how to either get the thing or experience back, re-create our own, or do something entirely different that may or may not include any part of the thing we liked at first.

But PTSD, hey lets call it something else shall we? Lets just not call it anything.

So the thing that happens to a lot of people, is emotions or memories of experiences get stuck.

The likely-hood of this happening increases *quite a bit as you chip away the things that breed security in someones life- routine, sense of station, a place to sleep steadily, a constant supply of food or some indication it's around and find-able, and this kind of thing.

When these stable elements are less consistent or some are missing or so on, you get a higher likeliness of experiencing a scenario.

(I'll finish this after coffee. I woke up late, made tea and it sucks. I'm going to go roast some coffee. By the way, I roast coffee! Yeah. More about that later.

  • and the rest of this entry too )

okay so I came back to this and don't know what i was writing so i will abandon this entry. :D

// -Omar ~ Be. Do. Actualize. omar@ideamissing.com