This Means War
Oh my god, y'all, stuff done got dialed up a notch. I was half-joking, kinda sorta, when I wrote my last post.
It was a humor piece. An absurdist take on life in the sterile, vanilla suburbs.
Do I really have time to attend an “appeal” about my dogs shit?
(Again, I'm laughing hysterically writing this.)
I must admit I didn't read the letter thoroughly. Why would anyone waste eyeball space on such ridiculousness? But I just read it over and, lemme tell you, the kid gloves are 'bout to come off.
Ahem, I quote:
Attached is the documentation with the results of the pet waste sample that we collected. You may contest the fine by delivering written notice to the Association within 14 days after receipt of this notice. Upon your request, the matter will be turned over to the Hearing Committee who will schedule a Hearing. You will be notified of the time, date and place where you may appear at the hearing to plead your case before the committee.
First of all, there's no attachment. I can't even see the evidence against my client. So I'll have to waste time asking Management to send me this evidence. Jeez, I thought we were running a proper Shit Court here, people.
Second of all...
Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
“Plead my case?”
“The Committee?”
Are “The Committee” composed of actual human beings whose calling in life is to hear cases relating to dog shit? Am I dreaming right now? Someone jump through the screen and pinch me.
Oh, it...is...on. The Committee better buckle up cause I'm bringin' some horsepower to this “Hearing”.
Not only am I going to dress up a fucking dog in a fucking suit, I'm bringing expert witnesses.
If anyone out there in the write.as community is a geneticist or knows one and wants to help me troll an HOA please reach out on Twitter to @writeas__. (Matt, dude, sorry I'm bringing you into this mess.)
Now I need to figure out the rules of the game. Is it preponderance of evidence or beyond a reasonable doubt? I assume, since it's a civil matter we're going with preponderance.
But you never know with these guys. We could be talking hard time for my schweet wittle angel face.
I will ask them to submit their evidence to council before the trial begins, whereupon I will formulate my defense.
I will ask for a representative of the (snicker) Poo Prints program – a scientist, preferably – to attend “The Hearing” via Skype so I can cross-examine.
No dogs are allowed ever, anywhere on precious HOA property. But, in my letter “submitted within 14 days” I will ask for an exception. Surely the accused has a right to appear at his own trial!
I will ask them to produce witnesses. Did anyone actually observe my client shitting? Were you intoxicated on this evening? Please, describe for “The Committee” the circumstances under which you observed my client shitting.
This is going to be so much more fun than I ever imagined!
Remember kids: idle minds do the Devil's work. I have no client work right now and I'm here trying to entertain myself until I can get the fuck out of this place.
I'm ready for your commands, oh Dark Lord.