Trial of the Century

A #poogate saga update.

We have been notified of our trial date and, while the nerves are mounting, I'm certainly looking forward to getting justice for my “shitty” client.

I was a mess when I was notified of our transgressions. I was out for blood. How could my good, kind neighbors in our perfect little “community” not understand that “shit” happens and human beings make mistakes? (Let's see how many poo puns I can work into this post.)

Be that as it may, I've calmed down a smidge, and will probably let my client stay home and lick his butt while I go alone to defend his honor.

I'm glad to see so many international folks here on How ashamed I am to share this story, the pinnacle of first world problems, with those of you who are perhaps suffering more than we could ever imagine.

While you are out marching and dying in the streets for just a bit of freedom or maybe the right not to be raped or put in jail or executed without a trial, we sit here fat, happy, safe, and bored. Despite all our blessings, riches, and leisure time we are indignant.

While you are out there wondering if the dirty water you are about to give your dehydrated child will kill him, or if you will be subject to torture for speaking out against a repressive government we are here, sourly confronting and threatening each other for playing with dogs “on the grass”. Without signs and without locks, apparently I was the last one to realize we were in a prohibited area. I should have known it was forbidden to chase each other around in plant matter the Almighty Lord himself put on his green Earth for us to enjoy.

Read the Manual, they say. It's not my job to explain this to you, they think. No, of course not. For the Manual is there to prevent the kinds of conversations they're utterly incapable of having.

We may have abolished actual torture, but here we are, desperately imagining creative new ways to torture, humiliate, and punish each other. These new ways are getting more creative all the time, for we've run out of even sorta, kinda bad problems to solve.

No, we fat, oblivious humans in the first world's HOAs have run out of real wars to fight. Real movements to defend. Real communities of others to join to achieve a higher purpose and promote human dignity.

Our dignity is so intact that we must come up with new ways to tear it down and, I must say, the behavior surrounding the PooGate saga is one of the best pieces of work I've ever seen. You should be proud of yourselves.

My human dignity on the day of the trial will be at an all time low. What better way to challenge a successful person's adulthood, humanhood, value for their time, and love of their “community” than to put their name on a docket, in plain public view, where they will be obliged to answer for the crime of poo, in person, before a “committee”.

You have won.

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