Worries of the day and tomorrow
After an exhausting first quarter in the school year, we were given time to recharge and rest. Well, sort of, as the week should have been a break to check paper and finish the students' grades. However, worries have been a constant companion of mine throughout this break. It was difficult to find a proper way to sit down and go return to my usual work routine. So, here I am ending up with a lot more weight that I thought I could carry as I cram all important things at the last minute.
I am still doing my best and I feel that the Lord is with me throughout this struggle as I am surprised by how much I could accomplish in little time. Still, I should not keep this as my typical routine as it does not bring joy to my heart. Instead, this form of habit brings constant concern, worries, guilt, and regret. Hopefully, I would be able to finish all the checking before the end of tomorrow so I can peacefully go back to work on Wednesday.
More than half of 2020 is done and I am also at the time when I have tried various activities to fill my days with purpose. However, it does not seem to be running on a positive note.
What do I want to create?
There are a lot of outlets to explore, yet I cannot seem to have myself begin any action and see a process throughout the entire run. Is it because I am lazy to even work my way to create, or is it caused by a fear of failure? Perhaps, it's more of the latter.
As my days fill with tasks to accomplish for my profession, I could not find time for myself. The life I am living now seems to suck my dreams away as I gradually let myself feat the numerous creative processes with unsure roads to take. This kind of thinking, as I reflect now, is caused by my drive to provide better for my family.
So, in the meantime, I may continue to dream and slowly put them into reality. One of these is the IG Shine & Live Ph that I hope to find traction soon.
There are a lot of things, people, and experiences that I miss. However, I need to face the reality that I do not have the power to turn back time and simply pick one memory to relive. This kind of encounter will only be possible in my dreams as my mind try to recall some of those happy moments to keep me going at the present. Still, I hope that as I grow older, those memories will be accessible as even now, I somehow find it challenging to remember some events from the past. My current lifesaver for this kind of worry are the photos I took during those times. Even if the memory isn't clear on my end, the photos help in getting me there, somehow.
I tried to start something that I am passionate about, however, it is still not going through the ways I wish it would. It has been challenging on my end to see tasks through the entire process. There have been a lot of distractions around me as well as in my mind. Thinking about some worrisome concerns of the present turns to a handicap on my end. I hope that I will be able to face these plans that I have been praying for, up to the end of the experience.
There are a lot of ideas in my head, however, it has always been a challenge to begin working on those ideas. I usually end up getting too hyped up with new tasks to do yet I do not always see them through the entire process. Then with that kind of scenario in front of me, I feel exhausted and sad. It is as if all the plans I make are simply too much for me to handle. These kinds of situations pull my spirit down. Then it cycles up to the point that days of putting off work becomes months or even years. In the end, I forget all about the ideas I once made.
Here again with some thoughts on the beginning. Any form of a start may help me out of this dreadful situation. There are a lot of wasted moments whenever I miss the chance to see a task through its end. With the use of the devices around me, it is a lot easier to complete non-essentials.
There sure is that delightful satisfaction in giving way to all forms of relaxation. I am not sure if this is brought by an underlying concern of anxiety, however, I do tend to procrastinate more often when I feel that I cannot do anything about a given situation anymore. It is frustrating yet refreshing as I simply choose to watch various shows that give me some inspiration on what to do better or some insights on my own actions. Yet the main issue is that despite knowing all of those from the side “activities” that I do, I have not put anything in actual practice to help me.
Distractions are difficult to control these days especially after losing the sense of habit with my writing. It seems that it is a lot easier to procrastinate by doing other smaller tasks at hand and not facing the important chunk of the writing process.
I did try to find a way to walk back to my old “productive” habits. There has been an attempt (and a continuing struggle) to stay away from any social media applications. However, even after removing them from my device, I still try to check them regularly for updates. I don't usually reply or am even considering as an active user of those social media applications yet I end up being stuck with them. It has somehow been an addiction that has been embodied within my core habits that it is an exhausting feat whenever I try to have a social media detox. After all, we have this great desire to connect with people and be updated. Even though I am not this sociable in person, my small circle of friends sure has a great part in my life. I want to be there for them wherever and whenever possible.
I am struggling in keeping focused on tasks. I have this drive to always multi-task so I end up accomplishing nothing at all. The tasks I try to start working on will mostly end up halfway done or not even at a 20% progress. This is driving me anxious and out of control.
Books and music are some of my lifesavers
There are a lot of wonderful things in life that I tend to neglect when I get too busy or too focused with work (or my worries). It seems difficult for me to simply sit and be grateful for all the different events that happen in my life. I would like to make sure that in this new journey that I will be taking in life, I learn to be grateful for all the blessings – big or small – that are given to me.
With a lot of sad or even scary news about the concerns of the world, it is not easy to look for the little things that make our day good. It is something that I also struggle with, day in and out. I would like to find that piece of hope in my heart that believes in the better days ahead for all of us. There may still be some moments when I would stumble and forget about this new practice I wish to do; nonetheless, I would like to try.
In times when everything seemed dried out of life, there are those little workers who keep on doing their part to keep death from turning up one day. Even in life, there are a lot of struggles and even some walls that stop us along the way. However, we can see them as the finish line or we can enjoy the rest and then find a detour to continue our run.
In the years after university, I faced a lot of those walls. I even came to a point where I felt worried and lost. There were moments when I gave up and didn't see the meaning of the events happening in my life. It was, however, during those lowest moments did I give everything up to the Lord and I rested. It was not an easy journey. I had years of simply worrying about the coming days that I was too stubborn to listen to the Lord's plan. I wanted to go my way. I wanted to achieve the dreams I thought were right for me to take. Then, only after all those hardships along the way did I enjoy the precious second of surprise as I was still led to a purposeful road which I truly love.
Now, I am still just at the start of that new road and I would like to be one of the workers to help in keeping the belief alive. There are many ways to reach our destination, we just needed some guidance and some recalibration so that we won't hinder from the one that was designed for us.
Many may not have the same belief as I do, still, it is a good experience to share. It may even be a good chance for others to check on their current place in this run. There sure are a lot of interesting views to see and a number to better understand.
Getting back to writing
Have you ever experienced being stuck in the neverending cycle of waking up, commuting to work, getting to the office, commuting back home, and then simply just falling asleep?
I never really had this kind of problem before, however, as I get older and as I become more acquainted with the busy work life, it seems like I simply lost the light I once had. For instance, I used to enjoy writing down my thoughts and sharing stories with people around me. Now, with my work related to checking papers, attending meetings, writing down comments on various activities, I can't seem to find the time to simply sit down and write. In this case, write to me and not for any work-related requirement.
I haven't really been active in any platform consistently as there is a bunch of available outlets in the entire world wide web. Still, it is good to be able to stick to something and enjoy the moment. I hope to be able to find this space in the vast online community. I know that I may simply just use my laptop's notes for these, but it is still good to have it available for others to read. Maybe there is one out there who would wish to hear these kinds of sentiments as well. After all, I do sometimes forget that I am not the only one with feelings of such worry, exhaustion, or even a sense of longingness. An emotion that I wish to jump back to right away. With that, I hope that this new note will remind me to simply pause and write my stories again. I may not be (may ever be) a well-known writer out there, but it is still a good opportunity for me to have a voice and give life to the thoughts in my mind. Sometimes, those ideas get too much in my head that they make it impossible for me to accomplish anything productive, in terms of work. So, let this be a start.
It may have been quite late as the strict quarantine period due to the pandemic is about to be lifted. Nonetheless, I hope to be able to juggle all these worries about the current health concerns of the world and that of my own little world of life.