Stoner Mom Diaries | Nosce te ipsum

Any mom, any town, USA. I am your neighbor, co-worker, PTO member, returning graduate school student. Who happens to be stoned. 99.9 percent of the time.

It's fucking Monday. Which means that Murphy's Law shall (and will) apply. Wait for it. So, my furnace died (I've been telling my landlord it's going to happen – FYI), I have a semi-narcopathic graduate school professor who assigns arbitrary (read: impossible) homework, and depositing a tax return check (paper) has become some weird scene out of Matrix (Agent Smith style). Because, the IRS apparently lost my direct deposit information and needed to send the check in paper form. Because, they had my direct deposit information back in June. Because, this is what I get for filing that fucking Federal 1040-X (the IRS really doesn't enjoy paying out, for the record). Murphy's. Law. In. Full. Effect.

Ergo, I'm now comfortably numb. Thank you, Pink Floyd. Thank you, local cannabis dispensary peeps. Because, my shitty Monday has become a mere thought bubble that drifted away. After popping that 1906 edible, I got it together. Here's how I dealt with this bullshit: I purchased an awesome DuraFlame space-heater-that-looks-like-a-fireplace. My Ecobee reports a comfortable 67 degrees F (science nerd/returning graduate student who habitually labels things like degrees, distance, and all things measurement-related). OH – did I mention I then had a legit excuse to eat cheeseburgers and fries for dinner – with my six year old. Because, shitty Monday's call for shitty food. The kind of food adults love to pretend they don't touch, then binge eat when stoned AF (you know you do it – don't judge).

Saying “legalized cannabis” feels like the grownup way of saying, “let's rip a bong hit, dude”. Legit. It's the Grey Poupon version, now. I'm not sure when it actually became chic, but I will gladly take it over being hungover from Herradura. Real talk: I am an uber happy stoner mom who resides in a state that allows for both medical and recreational cannabis use. Frankly, since the onset of all things COVID – I cannot imagine my life without.

I have a term I've recently (sort of) coined. WTHF (What The Holy Fuck).

WTHF (defined): loosely translated, WTF on steroids. It's what I mutter anytime I interact with snobby/judgmental/quasi-narcopathic/narrow-minded/self-entitled-important people. Projection, Your Honor (see what I did there…).

I've learned that I really, honestly do not mind spending time alone. I enjoy having a small, close-knit group of friends. Why, because I no longer feel like going out and dealing with large crowds of people. Dude, I went out – when I was 22. OK, liar, liar – 32. I'm kind of done. I don't really drink (it doesn't agree with me). And, the last time I was hungover around my child, she was two. I. Hated. That. Day. I didn't like the mother I was – irritable, annoyed, and sick. All the while, my daughter smiled, cooed, and played. I felt terribly, horribly wrong about that situation.

So, I re-discovered something hadn't done in quite some time – cannabis. Legalized. It takes the edge off. I'm much more outgoing, less stressed, and probably (OK, definitely) a better parent. I'm not wasting time at a chain-store pharmacy for some mediocre fill of Xanax (nope, Dr. X, I require more than 4 pills per month to chill out). Instead, I get to go to really cool dispensaries, and have awesome conversations about edibles, wax, vape, and bud. I get to hear funny stories from the security guards who work there (consensus is that cannabis from Cali is the best – just watch your edible intake, my friends).

Simply put, I've found a way to be a better version of me. I look at the bright side of things, versus the dark. I may need to ask my best friend to remind me where I'm going with a story – but, it's all good.

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Dear, single moms out there – I salute you (using AC/DC song verses is a passion of mine – true story). Real talk – this shit is not easy. It's why cannabis exists. It doesn't make you a bad parent. Most likely, the opposite. Let's face it, data science doesn't lie (arguably). You're better off using cannabis versus cocaine on the weekend (not passing an ounce of judgment – please – rip lines if that's your thing). Since the onset of the pandemic, cannabis use has also increased amongst parents. Statistically, and A LOT. It just so happens to be my rec drug of choice, and something I can speak to endlessly.

Frankly, I know I had way better time at my daughter's class get together after a vaping sesh. Let's face it, being one of four (at most – no joke) single parents in a class of 20 is, well, awkward. You're the proverbial elephant in the room. Ugh. For the single dads – yes, you also have my undying support on that. Did the vape sesh make me care a little less – M'hm. Did it make me laugh a whole lot more – M'hm. Think I'm on to something....

Which leads me to: dating. Ew. Funny – everyone thinks the single parents in the classroom need a special meet-n-greet. “Zoe's dad is single, isn't he soooo cute..?!”. Uhm, dude, you're killing my buzz. I mean, sure. He's cute. His daughter is also in my daughter's class. I see Zoe's mom at the gym (and Starbuck's, for fuck's sake). She's really not over the divorce (as it just happened). For the record – neither is he. No, no. This is a disaster waiting to happen. I do NOT need to ride that crazy train.

PUCKERMOB is legit hilarious for good, unfiltered writing. Tanya Simpson recently killed it with her contribution, ‘I'm done with dating’. This gem of an article began with an epic photo stating, “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably SHIT....”. I have no idea who coined that one, but I may love you. She goes on to state that her dating adventures have been well documented. Her description of “The Cyclist” is good for a real laugh. Article link (you know you want to): https://www.puckermob.com/moblog/im-done-with-dating/

Single parents (mums and dads) – you know you have a description tucked under your belt (or, two). True to Tanya Simpson style/spirit, I thought I'd throw a few out there. I relish anonymity – names shall be omitted. Just for shits, though – if one of these happens to sound like you, just be happy that I've omitted your personal information (at the very least). Because, yeah, some women may not. If you're a non-believer, check out the Instagram/TikTok/Twitter sites that bash bad dates. Yikes. Ouch. Burn.

Anyhoo...

“The Trust Fund Guy”. Please, don't date. You're not mature enough. The fact that you're in your late 40's and living off inheritance money does not entitle you to be a cheap asshole. Cold, hard facts: you chose to quit working at mid-40-something. Not because you worked all that hard. You suddenly inherited a shit-ton of money, and threw the towel in. Unlike, say, someone who earned that money and decided to retire (and, live off the interest). Anyway, sure you do need to budget yourself. This does NOT mean you get to ask the women you date to split every-single-bill when you go out (see what I did there). Oh, and bragging about your cheapskate/petty ways really isn't attractive. Also, the hidden (quite pornographic) Tumblr account: Ted Bundy-level creepy (oh, yes – I am aware – Google tells all). Please, re-read the part where I ask you not to date. I beg you. On behalf of all single women who may encounter you. Lurking. Somewhere.

“The Self-Appointed Important Guy”. Like “ The Trust Fund Guy”, you probably shouldn't date. Although, you may be slightly more adult. I said slightly, dude. Chill. You look great on a dating app (posed with your kids -play on, player). However, may want to be a tad more transparent about your relationship status. Look, being separated is not the same as being divorced. For the record, living in separate homes without having legitimate, legal documents filed in family court gives that statement even more merit. Dude, you are married. I realize you're the VP of Sales for XYZ Fortune 500 Company. But, some of us catch on. Quickly. We may not have your job title, your Lexus, your McMansion, or your boat. We have a bullshit filter, though. We also have common sense. No, you’re not meeting up with us because you’re on a business trip. If you cannot properly file for a divorce, stay OFF dating apps (and quit the bullshit). It's really, honestly pathetic. Side note (on my end), you at least get some points – you didn't make me split the dinner bill with you. Grazi!

My contribution, single folks. Because, I am stoned. Because, I can be. Because, being single allows me to make the most of my time with my daughter. In my rare, free moments I do not have to explain myself to anyone. There's something absolutely orgasmic/delicious/liberating about that.

“You can't hoard fun. It has no shelf life.” ~ Hunter S. Thompson


~SM

My introduction into smoking “weed” was freshmen year of high school. My re-introduction was last year – HOLLA! Having real cannabis at my disposal has given “weed” a whole new meaning. That shit sucked. Honestly, not surprising that most of us disliked our initial experiences (me, circa late 1990’s). It was disgusting, and most likely sprayed with chemicals that made everyone paranoid….or, lazy…or, stupid. I once ate far too many Twinkies from bad ditch weed (I know, it made me gag just thinking about it).

Modern rec use is soooo cool. Dispensaries are full of the most fascinating people. Like, the 80-year-old woman who was purchasing medical grade the other day. She had some legit questions regarding vape pens, waxes, and resins. This woman is my idol. Aside from customers – people who work at dispensaries are really, really cool. And, really, really smart. One of my favorite bud tenders is also a fellow science nerd (proof that smart people can and do use cannabis – daily).

As such, I am an indica fan. Sativa – sure, fun. Just don’t expect to see me at my best. Whereas indica is my chill/focus, sativa is my lack of inhibition. If you’re at all curious, sativa is often the strain most used in cannabis products indicated for arousal. Wait, talk cannabis and sex? No shit, Sherlock. If you don’t know the two have been well correlated (and studied), allow me to enlighten you.

To begin…

Foria has UH-Mazing products! They can be used with a partner, or solo – a’hem. Single, or partnered – you’ll thank me later. The website boasts products for just about everything/anything related to sex. They also have a line of products intended for pain relief: https://www.foriawellness.com/ Admittedly, I haven’t used their relief products. Judging by the quality of their arousal products, I’d assume the line is consistent. They sell small, “starter” packs. My unsolicited advice – if you have a substantial sex drive, just buy the full size products. Yes, I do happen to know from experience – thankyouverymuch.

Still curious? Check out 1906’s line of edibles. Personally, I love Midnight and Genius (low dose THC, with a decent THC:CBD ratio). One worth noting: Love. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to digest the reviews – it works. https://1906newhighs.com/products/love/

Last, but not least – wax/vape/resin. If I lost you, welcome to my world as a former, new(ish) consumer. Here’s my takeaway: this is not the shit weed we smoked in high school. The edibles/wax/vape/resin/topicals work quite well. So, it takes a bit of curiosity, open-mindedness, and common sense to navigate these things. Yes, a topical can give you a slight body buzz – transdermal applications are nothing new (Fentanyl, ‘nuff said). Edibles – probably not the wisest idea to eat 100 mgs of THC (at first). Start with 2.5, 5, 10 – you follow. Vape pens are pretty straight forward – most of the disposables are pre-dosed. Depending on your tolerance/preference, it only takes a few hits. Personally, I happen to LUV Rythm’s disposable line (Cherry Alien OG x Orange Herijuana). Again, the reviews are pretty solid. https://www.iheartjane.com/products/106245/rythm-orange-herijuana-300mg

Finally, the epic-ness of wax and resins. Back to dispensaries – if you happen to see something that looks a like a small, glass bong – it’s a rig. This is my newest obsession – dabs. As the reviews can be mixed, I’ll add my two ‘cents. As I stated, above – start low. If you want to try wax/live resin – go for it. I promise, it’s not that intimidating. As for rigs, they can be elaborate (not to mention fun, AF) https://www.dopeboo.com/products/famous-brandz-snoop-spaceship-water-pipe

If you’re feeling adventurous, Verano’s line of live sugar resins kinda rules (G-Purps – you’re welcome). https://www.leafly.com/dispensary-info/the-dispensary-fulton/p/254694182/verano---g-purps-bho-live-sugar-1g

What have I experienced from sugar resins and waxes? A high that is so pure, you can barely tell. I know that sounds wrong, so hear me out. The crap buzz you get from shitty marijuana isn’t the way it’s supposed to work. You’re supposed to feel like you – Version 2.0. I have yet to experience a high from this stuff that I don’t like – but, I’m cautious by nature. Repeat after me, start low, go slow. It really is true.

So, here’s my responsible “mom” moment: all of these things are great. I can’t imagine my life without. However, you need to balance the inner stoner mom (or, dad) in you. Passing out midday and missing school pick up – not so much. While being stoned is fun, we have some added responsibilities (I know…right). So, be the responsible stoner parent. Not the one who’s getting pulled over with three kids in tow. For the love of all things holy – please do not give stoners a bad rap. We finally got us some R-E-S-P-E-C-T – do not be the one to tarnish that.

Keep it classy.


~SM

There are so many things to be grateful for. While I always come with a touch of sarcasm – I must admit that anyone who made in through the last two years (sanity intact) is OG. Like, Snoop Dog OG. What’s crazy cool are the sheer number of blogger’s (self included) who’ve decided to make their fucked up thoughts (or, not) into art – via blog/vlog.

Three that I follow closely are The Rebel Mamas (friends, Aleks Jassem and Nikita Stanley) and The Stoner Mom (Kathryn VanEaton).

Jassem (the blonde) and Stanley (the brunette) have blazed the way (no pun intended) for moms to express themselves without feeling ashamed. Do we love every moment of being a parent, every single day – not really. That’s normal, people. Aside from publishing two books (no small feat), they present regular podcasts. The real message is that motherhood (parenthood, really) is a giant juggling act. To date, one of my favorite podcasts highlights mothers returning to work after extended maternity/family leave. Some points worth noting, ladies. As the pair hail from Canada, some of the employment laws differ. The message, however, does not. https://therebelmama.com/

Kathryn VanEaton is a stay-at-home mother of four children. How she does it is beyond me (well, not really – she openly speaks to her daily cannabis use). Like Jassem and Stanley, she openly admits that perfect parenting does not exist. In fact, she speaks candidly to depression and responsible cannabis use. Like The Rebel’s, she makes parenting accessible. She also lists a ton of products (bud, vape, accessories) that have become my go-to’s (or, at least on my list). She hails from the US of A (Colorado, specifically), https://thestonermom.com/

There you have it! Three women worth checking out, via two blog sites.

Ciao, and much love!


~SM

There seems to be some vested interest in two of my “favorite things” (YAY). So, let me begin by saying that I am not reimbursed by these companies, in any way (shape, or form). Truly, I am just sharing for the sake of sharing. What that means to you: I’m not being paid to blog about (or, upsell) products. Not that I am against it, by any means. Only being transparent.

Let me begin with Foria. Side note, sex sells. Period. If you didn’t catch my post on this, here’s the company’s direct website link: https://www.foriawellness.com/. I happen to have experience with two of the company’s products: Awaken Arousal Oil and Intimacy Sex Oil. The company is based out of Colorado. They do sell online, as the products only contain CBD. If you’re unaware, you cannot purchase THC-containing products online (dispensaries, only). Federal regulations (Blah, blah, blah). Shipping is decent, and the customer service is outstanding.

On to 1906. The company’s name originates from the last year “cannabis was widely accepted as a beneficial medicine…”. Following this, the Wiley Act was passed – effectively beginning cannabis prohibition. The history lesson the company provides is rather intriguing – I learned something! Personally, the products speak for themselves (I have tried nearly all of them). My favorites are Genius and Midnight. Both edibles are low-dose, and contain a 1:1 ratio of CBD:TCH (the only current product with a different ratio is Chill, which is a 5:1 ratio of CBD:THC). The reasoning behind this is to eliminate some of the unpleasant effects of too much THC (racing heart, nausea, anxiety, etc.) Rather, the products allow you to function during the daytime, if you so choose. The brilliant part: each product contains extra ingredients for an added boost (as an example, Genius has 125 mg of Rhodiola, a botanical that enhances mental focus). As a side note, it’s wise to check which herbal products are used (in case you take a prescription medication that could potentially interact). Here’s the kicker: due to Federal regulations, the company cannot sell online (I know, I call bullshit on the regulations). So, the states in which the products are available for purchase: Colorado, Massachusetts, Illinois and Oklahoma. If you’re so inclined, the website link: https://1906newhighs.com/

There you have it, folks. Additional deets! Enjoy!!!


~SM