straw heart

I am reserved. that means when someone comes and talks to me , I shut all my inner thoughts and read the answers from cheat notes I left at the back of my mouth. when they run out , my mouths shuts tight until the questions stop coming at me. It isn't something to brag about but at the same time its isn't something I am ashamed off. no I am not a present that has many layers of wrapping. My personality is not your gift. so stop trying to open me up , you'll get a papercut. I hear you make fun of me now , I don't remember your face but you voice is something I hear way to often, your profile seems a little familiar every time you pass by me, the hysterical laugh of your friends as you talk bout me, but sorry I still don't have any cheat sheets left for you . so my mouth will stay shut and mind will never wander in your direction.

I find myself on my bed every morning , my alarm trying its best to get me moving. but I just lie there , 5 minutes more I plead and it gives me not a minute extra. The devil in me is too much to deal with. it seems as though I have a contract with him wherein I get to live with no physical ailments but still feel dead inside. Its like feeling it pulsate though your body with out actually going through it . What s wonderful little deal , isn't it? I feel rotten every night and when the morning come , the touch of it lingers on. A deep russet in the crevices of my brain , causing my mind to react in undesirable ways ,I hear the birds chirping and in my head I throw rocks at them .The sun streams in through the window piercing my body with a thousand needles. But I have to get on with my work now. so putting all this aside , I hope I make it through the day.

I read this thing today. It was nothing too magnificent but its simplicity in describing a harrowing state had caught me off guard. The words not highlighted by many in the kindle, I don't know why I would talk about this particular paragraph but it stuck with me. I was reading it today and even though I haven't completed it yet and all i want to is get back to it , I seem to keep imagining this scene. Its like I actually was there. Its from one of my current favorite books , ALL THE LIGHT WE CANNOT SEE. It was a comparison between the the unnoticed violence in nature and quite noticeable violence in our nature. I fell in love with the way the words connected with each other and painted the image of me sitting there and seeing those things and the way it made the comparison with nature . how airplanes were hungry fish and the sky looked like bloodshot water on which there was a spotlight. any suffering that we have been through , there are millions of the same kind around the universe , in a smaller scale , in a miniscule level ,scales so big that we couldn't even imagine. All that we build is just a more corrupt version of nature.