My recovery blog

like a personal journal to capture insights

Am I trying really hard to ruin my morning routine by sleeping in or is that a byproduct of me actually taking care of myself more? When I start taking care of myself more it is becoming more apparent how sleep deprived, work pressure intensive, friendless, and unbalanced I was. I now have an opportunity for the next 4 days, almost a full work week to tackle major work projects I never got around to. I am very grateful for this opportunity! P.s. giving up glucose is much harder than anticipated. Will be a major challenge for sure.

Have been running out of time to do journaling so now I just do it while on my walk with music. The thought I have been having is “lean in”. Now that I have gotten a little bit of relief I feel myself wanting to “get my routine done with” and to watch more YouTube rather than fully engage. The problem is the less engaged version of my morning routine sets the tone for a less engaged version of life and hence prone to addiction to escape the lack of engagement... Tongue twister. There's no finish line, I've been doing this for a few weeks now and instead of pulling back it's time to lean in, embrace the struggle and discomfort. Embrace the highs and lows of my practice. Also, in order to go to the next level, I feel that an afternoon meditation is needed and to cut out gluten just like I cut out coffee. I know I can do it.

I pulled my hamstring yesterday playing pick up soccer. My hamstring muscle was so weak due to lack of strengthening over years that it pulled instantly when challenged despite my quads and the remainder of my body being decently strong. This reminded me of my recovery program and once challenged it folding under pressure due to lack of care and strengthening. I am still able to do my morning routine modified, I prayed, did some yoga like poses, and even hobbled on a very short walk to music, THANK GOD. My hamstring reminds me that if I ignore important parts of my recovery then I too will fail and I am only as strong as my program. I suppose this whole journal is becoming a reflection to the dedication to my morning routine and I am okay with that because my morning prayer and routine is what keeps me afloat and able to live life with a foundation.

My thought this morning was continued on intimacy. I feel as though sometimes I am living life at 75%. Wanting security and to be successful without having to go out and give 100%. When I mean give 100% I don't necessarily mean just effort but also 100% of myself. Staying true to myself and what I believe in and what interests me. Taking risks whether it be putting myself out there knowing I will make mistakes. I think many people can relate to this as many people have given 100% at some point in the past and been hurt or disappointed or failed. The problem with living at 75%, waiting for a secure and foreseen next step without much risk, is that the 25% missing is what the sparks of live are made of. The 25% starts to become day dreaming, yearning, or fantasies. I believe that if I want a fulfilling life sober, I will need to give 100% of myself, and for better or worse, at least it will be more exciting.

This morning I made an important decision to do my morning routine rather than go to work early. I'd rather have one thing in my life consistent rather than lose that and gain a few extra hours of productivity. I am starting to adhere to the principle of putting sobriety first and foremost no matter what and enjoying anything in addition to that rather than trying to “wing it”. It's a more peaceful way of life and has much more of a solid foundation. It helps me put into work the first three steps by practicing putting recovery before everything else. I am very grateful for my recovery thus far and my journey is just beginning. I know I would not be able to handle the stressors of life well for any long period of time without a recovery program.

Morning routine is kicking ass. Yoga is difficult but needed, it sets the tone for the day of pacing myself while still challenging myself. My meditation allows all sorts of thoughts to flow through me. My walk with music allows me to get my body moving and connect to some new tunes. From what I have been reading once abstinence is obtained, addiction is a cover-up for an intimacy disorder. It's so easy to try to play a role I think I should fill based on others expectations or expectations of myself that I almost forget to acknowledge what I like and don't like and to change accordingly. I saw an ad on a job board and I got so excited at the idea of the job because it contained community and purpose. This sense of purpose gave me a feeling that I had not felt in a long time. I am starting to believe that “not doing an addictive behavior” is not only just the start but also not the cure. Today I felt a spark of purpose and my recovery as felt naturally stronger than it has in a while without even really trying. In a previous post I mentioned that when starting out in recovery the only thing you need to change is everything and I am starting to see more of the everything.

I am only as strong as my addict. I did an exercise yesterday in which I have a conversation with my addict part of myself. The addict part of myself is the part (theory) that I left behind when I quit competitive sports at age 21, when my dad distanced himself from me because I wasn't playing sports anymore, and my parents got divorced, quickly sold the house, and my mom went into her own recovery, and my dog died, all within a couple years. Most of my world was gone, I had no idea who I was, and I did not know how to live life. This is when I first started my addiction and using addiction as an escape from life. My addict self is the part of me that is afraid of life, afraid of making mistakes, and wanting the same attention and security I got in my early life as an athlete. My wounded and very inexperienced / immature self did not have the emotional maturity or insight to figure out life in a healthy way after everything happened. During the exercise dialog my addict self sounded like a child, saying he can't face life, he doesn't know how, I can't stand failure, and all he's known in life is through sport where he was the “star” and was the best, now he feels like a loser. I disagreed with my addict self and called out that acting in addictive ways as not acceptable form of dealing with loss and fear. Addict self agreed but said that he needs love, understanding, and structure. Going forward I am going to remember to incorporate this part of myself in my daily life. I had tried to pretend that I could go back to being “a star” who has life figured out with security and forget about the whole life gone to shit I have no idea what I'm doing self. I need to live as a whole, and give the scared, anxious, and discouraged parts of myself attention and love, understanding, and structure.

This morning after my routine I had thoughts about how much I miss people. Yesterday I watched a youth soccer game after a meeting and felt that I had really made a bad decision by turning by back on soccer in general, this was my first bad decision in isolating myself. It also made me think about how much I miss interacting with people as a team. Although I enjoy my work I am starting to realize the isolation of it all. I don't have any camaraderie, no daily joking, and somedays no sense of actually accomplishing anything solid. I feel that I desperately need structure within my personal life and professional life. Life is most enjoyed through structure because it gives something tangible to reflect off of and enjoy the journey. Floating in space of wonder and possibilities has its place but if that it is my main squeeze then it makes sense why I am experiencing such a rude awaking.

Day three of my new morning routine. I deleted Facebook that must be a good sign. After I finished my morning routine I could not stop laughing. This morning when I woke up I felt VERY anxious and worried and it only took me 2.5 hours of self care to get balanced! I thought that was funny... This morning on my walk I had the thought that apart of addiction is a decision to stop living. I feel as though I have stopped living, I stopped hanging out with friends, I stopped pursuing interesting things, I stopped learning, I stopped planning fun things to do, I stopped everything besides trying to be successful and I still suck at that. It is pretty crazy that the pressure of being successful had already unconsciously snuck up on me within 24 hours. I feel as though I am in a tough position financially but after this morning routine I feel more up to the challenge and optimistic and creative. I can't believe my morning routine before was just wake up, pound a coffee, immediately start scrolling, go get some more coffee before work, and then start my day.

One of my favorite sayings is that while starting out in recovery the only thing you need to change is everything. My yoga, meditation, and music led me to more rational insights about pressures in my life. Some aspects of my life are extremely disorganized and I think each day I walk around like nothing is wrong I pay a price. There is really no order or follow up to my finances. I have lived under financial pressure and furthering in debt since I started school. A decade of living paycheck to paycheck and accumulation of debt upsets me so much. I think big problems lead to avoidance or ignoring but by doing so the mind and spirit enters an unhealthy place. A place of stress, anxiety, and less presence.