It is a hard thing, opening up. Talking with other people in this new set-up feels so tiring and takes more effort. Engaging isn't like what it was before when we had everybody in front of our faces, easily understanding what we mean by simple looks and nods. Now it takes more than that to throw across what you want to say.
I have tried keeping distance, but I realized even more how I am a social person... no matter how I get introverted at times. I came to know that I need other people to understand me, and to be with me. To be alone with me.
But I tend to overthink the little things that I tell them, repeating various lines over and over because I do not know whether they grasped what I meant without misunderstanding it. I get anxiety when they take time to reply, an odd thing to feel because I take time to reply due to feeling anxious that I might say the wrong thing. I know it might be the case for them so I respect that.
Honestly, it's all just repetitive. Being isolated gave me a different sense, it has exposed me to the things I was afraid of...
People don't value what they have 'til it's gone, make promises to be better when you threaten to set free from their treatment you're unworthy of. They don't see that in that precipice, in that moment they are losing you. And it will take so much to bring you back.
It's why I'm disconnecting from people, from everything. I had always been present, probably overlooked because I was always there. But today I turn off my phone and be good to myself, be kind to nobody else but me... for now.
When I'm gone for a while, would they realize what I meant? Would they realize how I impact them? Have I really given too much to the point that my feelings are easy to ignore?
It won't matter, because today I choose to be kind to myself.
Square One Again
Ever since the pandemic began, I lost all reminder of who I am and who I want to be. Quarantine locked me up in four corners, not allowing to see what is left for me outside. A year ago, I felt exactly like this. Turns out I have never moved on from it.
I thought I was getting better, feeling all nice and on track when school began. But when I graduated and had nothing else left to do, everything felt shitty. There is no end goal, no objective unlike when I had a bunch of requirements sitting in front of me. Nothing makes sense.
It's like academic pressure is my way out of everything, and that proves to be true now that I'm in my vacation. This used to be fun, should have been more exciting now that I have graduated from high school and has a much longer time to rest. I should have been traveling and seeing the world as it is. Now I'm blocked away from it.
The days that are about to stretch beyond me don't seem as enticing as they were, it feels like a curse. And I am now back to the feeling of a loop, a downward spiral that never ends.
I never know when I can get over this, but I am holding on to the fact that one day I can see what's left outside for me. That one day there is a way out of this feedback loop and I can be as lively as I was. It sucks but there isn't much I can do.
A lot of us feels like this now, so maybe cheers for trying no matter how we're back to square one.