Square One Again
Ever since the pandemic began, I lost all reminder of who I am and who I want to be. Quarantine locked me up in four corners, not allowing to see what is left for me outside. A year ago, I felt exactly like this. Turns out I have never moved on from it.
I thought I was getting better, feeling all nice and on track when school began. But when I graduated and had nothing else left to do, everything felt shitty. There is no end goal, no objective unlike when I had a bunch of requirements sitting in front of me. Nothing makes sense.
It's like academic pressure is my way out of everything, and that proves to be true now that I'm in my vacation. This used to be fun, should have been more exciting now that I have graduated from high school and has a much longer time to rest. I should have been traveling and seeing the world as it is. Now I'm blocked away from it.
The days that are about to stretch beyond me don't seem as enticing as they were, it feels like a curse. And I am now back to the feeling of a loop, a downward spiral that never ends.
I never know when I can get over this, but I am holding on to the fact that one day I can see what's left outside for me. That one day there is a way out of this feedback loop and I can be as lively as I was. It sucks but there isn't much I can do.
A lot of us feels like this now, so maybe cheers for trying no matter how we're back to square one.