It’s a hard knock life

Lack of breath as I wipe tear drops off my neck because I fear the attendance of myself around my “friends”.. Or what i assume ihave left

I’m not sure of when the exact point of time in which I became so unnecessary. For the own sake of my sanity, I hope to hell it was just yesterday. Stuck in a naive fantasy of what I think I’m supposed to be. I think I’m getting pretty fucking annoying.

Sometimes I feel I’m stuck inbetween walls.
I can see forward, look back .. but I’m stuck. can’t seem to move out of my own state of mind. I’m melted and cemented into a never ending kaleidoscope sense of being. When does the shaking of my own head stop, and the walls open up ?

Constantly battling with my mirror, sometimes I don’t even look. I actually go days even without looking at my reflection. I’m pretty sure that’s evidence for some mental health attention.

It’s not even that it’s because of how I look or how I feel about my appearance it’s the fact I get sick to my stomach at the thought of my current existence.

Sometimes I day dream about the chance of a redo… the things I would do.

Then I get caught back up in my mental anxiety laughing at me. Telling me, It would be just a redo, Id fuck it up again, chapter 2.

Okay, I get it. Writing non stop negative shit about myself is the epitome of useless.
I’m sorry I’m not doing this on purpose. I’m structurally faulted im trying to resolve it,

But I don’t know where to start or what to do at all. I don’t know the first step or how it feels to have your mind set not drilled into a fucking brick wall. To not feel like achievement of happiness is found at the bottom of the ocean, I’ve never even seen a single honest moment. I wouldn’t call my shoulder the angel and devil, I couldn’t My left is already telling me I’m a loser and my right just says do it, but you’ll still be a loser.

There’s no outcome I foresee that is what I think in my mind I’m ultimately meant to be. What road didn’t I cross or what choice did I make wrong to have my mind be something I’d never put on anyone. Is so fucking messy. Like static in your tv, a missing piece to a puzzle. A lick without a key.

Someone please tell me how to be happy.

I just want to be … I just want to be able sit down and relax. I wanna know that my past is my ducking past. That I have a future before Me and not a cconstant pit in my stomach if I’ll even make it to 40.

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