coffeetime divine

Mailed out the card to my sis. Cold outside, low humidity, very nice. Hiking weather, technically, but I am not going hiking today. Or tomorrow, because I have a virtual doc appointment to “attend”. Saturday? I might hike.

For now, the coffee is up.

I need something to do to occupy the time today, I think. I could read (lol, I'm lazy so not likely), I could watch something on YT (Boring!), or I could drink coffee and write (yep, the latter).

Never Too Late/Early To Look Back

If I looked back on my life Now, at this point in my life, it would probably be a story of survival. Surviving the crazy teenage years, surviving different environments, different scenarios. And part of me would (and does!) say: “what the FUCK!?” I always wished (then and now) to have the ability to make longterm plans, to envision a “bRiGhTeR” future, to “see” myself 3, 5, or even 10 years from now. But I never could, and still can't. I live in the hyper-present moment, the Here and Now, because I simply HAVE to. I don't think like most people, as I lack a “blueprint” or “roadmap” to base decisions off of. Perhaps low conscience? Low moral compass? Reckless attitudes towards my life? I don't know.

I have a mental attitude, or mindset, that I oftentimes feel like it is inevitable that I wind up in jail at some point in my existence. I'm not “bad”, I don't commit crimes, or anything like that – but, the only type of visualization I have ever had for myself (dating back years ago, up until now) is that I experience some sort of midlife crisis around age 40 or 42 (which IS midlife for me, because I won't make it past 84, trust me), and the fallout from this midlife crisis is with me ending up in a jail somewhere. Essentially, everyone has a midlife crisis, even if they are doing exactly what they want to be doing/going where they want to go at that point in their life. I don't see myself taking my midlife crisis (whatever form it may be) anywhere other than it's most extreme. I've experienced enough docile, domesticated, ho-hum, day-by-day years to last me until the end of time. I think at or around 40 (or 42) years of age, I will basically be done with all that, and can start living a more intentional and more adventurous, and more notable life.

I'm 36 now, we'll see where this goes.

... now I'm at >>> 👋