here's some stuff to say

I'd say that I have “recovered” (mostly) from the freak out/rage fest from earlier today. The estate pipe is basically ruined, but it is currently taped with Scotch tape, and is usable, but it will be trashed in due time.

Not that that matters

I am feeling a bit better. I was in/out of bed all day (all day yesterday, too, in fact), because I've experienced prolonged “bouts” (hours on-end) of depression, and this may continue, it might not, I have no way of knowing.

I honestly cannot lay down, though. My back hurts from so much over-rest, over-sleep.

Maybe a trip to the store in a couple days will clear my head, but right now, I am just “in the moment”.

And that's sort of “life” with psychosis, ya know? (Hopefully you DON'T know, as it is a debilitating condition). But I sort of became this way in my early-20's (exactly at 20, I'd say), and now I am nearly 40, and it's an ongoing and recurring battle. It is partially why I do not, and cannot, put much value in things (e.g. steady work, a decent income, a family of my own, home ownership, etc.) – because it would be lost. It would go away in time. I cannot sustain/maintain any type of “regular” pace for myself in life. And since I know this “going in” (or, before I get myself “into” anything), I usually draw back, and not lust after ambitious offerings in life. I create and write and blog and enjoy life in an ambitious manner, maybe. Generally, I am more optimistic and positive than other folks (folks who may “have a lot”, or, “have it all”). But all manner of “brick and mortar”, tangible, real life forms of social status or positioning in life – no, I can't keep it up. So I don't.

The silver lining of the scenario, is that I have had psychosis for ~20 years now, so I know how to handle it, react to it. But every now and then a Primal Scream has to occur. It does with all people. And should. Always.

Hope you're all well. Back soon.

... – e-mailblogrollREADMEzine