survival of the unsexy kind

Ever feel like everyone is moving forward except you? Ever feel like everyone has their life figured out, except you? Ever feel like everyone is more or less where they want/need to be in their time on Earth...except you? Take that scenario, apply it to a 36 year old, and you essentially have me in a nutshell.

I've been without direction for essentially my entire life. I'm not looking for “inspo”, or someone to “take me under their wing” – I am independent and self-propelled enough to make my own way in the world. I have to be, because anyone/everyone who was ever in a position to be a role model to me has been a complete baffoon. I'm less of a gung-ho, self-made, Libertarian type, and more of a fight or flight, ripping at the last resources, elbowing my way to the front of the line, type of person. Survival of the unsexy kind. Desperate to see the next day.

It's a hard god damn life

I've gotten this far, with no accolades to display nor laurels with which to rest upon. And my only sole promise I can see in my future is the opportunity to trudge through to the next day, and then the next, and another after that.

Getting through to what lay ahead is like peeling an onion. Tears galore, fingernails burning, an offensive aroma surrounding my futile task. All with the self-aware promise as sure as the day is long that there will be nothing beneath the next layer other than another to get beyond – the same results, just less.

Perhaps someday, I will shake myself loose from this unwilling chore. See a different light at the end of the tunnel. One that both pulls, and is self-driven?

I can wish, and hope that day comes soon

... README v.1.0