2022 Rap

  • Yung Kayo & Yeat – YEET
  • iayze – 556 (Green Tip)
  • Bo Bundy – Ramon Ayala Remix
  • Babyface Ray – Motown Music
  • Le$ & Larry June – 4 The Love of the Game
  • Banco – Captions
  • Cousin Stizz – Blessings
  • Gunna – Empire
  • Larry June & Jay Worthy – Leave It Up To Me
  • iayze – Not a Blood (No Children)
  • Kodak Black – Let Me Know

March 7, 2022

I am leaving a little inspirational note for myself on this Monday morning. Be kind to yourself. But also push yourself forward. You can do the things you've imagined for yourself.

February 23, 2022

I wanted to reminisce about a perfect weekend a few weeks ago. On Friday, February 4, 2022, my friend group had dinner at Yangban Society in the Arts District. The food was mid, but the vibes were on point. I enjoyed their pre-made cocktails. Afterwards, we went to karaoke and I did my usual songs. It inspired me to maybe start writing and singing songs on the guitars since my voice sounded great on the mic. Naturally, this inspiration coincided with my fervent consumption of Adrienne Lenker's Songs album, and the new Big Thief album (especially the songs Flower of Blood and Simulation Swarm). I ended up sleeping over at Plymouth.

On Saturday, Jackson, Steph, Evan, Sangwon, and I took a drive around Baldwin Hills, View Park-Windsor Hills, and Inglewood. We did not miss Jake and Elisa. I would like to live there in the future (if I am in Los Angeles). It was such a picturesque drive, and we saw some amazing houses. Jackson was a great driver. We then saw some of SoFi Stadium pre-Super Bowl, and then had dinner at Jon & Vinny's. What a great meal (especially the Ham & Yeezy pizza and spicy fusilli), sound tracked by fire music. Afterwards, we went back to Plymouth and watched Drive My Car. My initial impressions were that the movie was just “okay” after it ended (four-star review on Letterboxd), but it has stuck with me, especially the 40-minute introduction and the multiplicity of texts (Chekov in multiple languages embedded in the play, embedded in the movie) coursing through the three-hour drama.

The next day, Sunday, Evan, Sangwon, and I met up at Union Los Angeles to pick-up our raffle tickets for the Union Passport Dunks (Evan and I ended up winning). Afterwards, we went for a tough hike in Hollywood Hills. It was a great bonding experience. Sangwon was struggling. We enjoyed nice views at the summit. I saw the Hollywood sign up-close for the first time. After we climbed back down, we had naengmyeon at a hole-in-the-wall. When we went back, Steph was throwing a tantrum in her room because she was not invited to the hike (even though Sangwon had asked if she wanted to come).

February 3, 2022

I spent my 28th birthday in my childhood bed. After a wonderful January – spirits high, mood great, energy up – I collapsed, as everything that had I had built up over the past month fell out from under me.

It started on February 1st. After cutting the Lady M matcha crepe cake and eating a bitter, creamy slice, Dad, Karen, William, and I gathered around the couch. Dad unloaded on Mom, saying that she hurt him by calling him “not a man,” as he refused to have sex with her. She implicitly accused him of having an affair with his coworker, while he brought up the fact that she is too close with a coworker at church. Finally, things turned to death, and Dad said, “Maybe I'll die in a few years.” William started crying, and I shed some tears.

I went to bed anxious. I texted Allahjah about what happened, and she offered some comfort. I unloaded on Tatiana about her need for validation because she kept playing me about coming over. I felt great about calling her out about her fake ass “aerospace engineering” career, and how I discovered a tweet from her that “she cut things off” with me and that we were “dating” and that I was going to “take her to see Bad Bunny.” I was reminded of the Kanye “CAP” tweet; Tatiana's whole persona is cap.

I couldn't fall asleep because I was so anxious. I had a mild existential crisis; I thought about quitting my boring job and joining a Public Defender office in San Bernardino, Las Vegas, wherever. Everything was too comfortable. Everything was stagnating like Elisa's energy.

I fell asleep around 3 AM and woke up around 8 AM tired. My plan was to get in a long workout at the gym, but my mental health was shit. I laid in bed, occasionally checking work email, watching Pokemon videos, and browsing Fetlife forums. I reset my Tinder profile. I masturbated twice after masturbating in the single digits for the entirety of January. I watched the Rockets and Cavaliers game, and that was the highlight of my birthday: watching Sengun dunk over Mobley and the final sequence from KPJ and Jalen (dagger 3 from KPJ, alley-oop from Jalen to KPJ) to secure the win.

Actually, I was kind of productive. I worked with Haley for two hours on a fun project. I didn't make it to the gym. I kept telling myself that I would take a little nap but that restless nap turned into long sleep into the night and out of my birthday.

Maybe there are a few lessons to take from this:

  • It is okay to have zero days like my birthday every once and a while.

  • Maybe the impulses that resulted from that overnight existential crisis are valid.

  • I am sometimes unnecessarily hard on myself; I need to treat myself better.

  • Bounce back the following day. I am writing this chronicle on the train on February 3. I made the early 8:24 train to get to work at a reasonable time. I will have a good day and get back on track re: gym, studying for law school, not watching porn, reading, work, etc.

My porn addiction has gotten especially bad over the past few days. I am masturbating at least two times a day, and my Twitter timeline is just filled with naked girls promoting their OnlyFans.

I have associated my porn addiction with a general lack of motivation in life. For example, I did not do anything today even though I had a lot on my plate. I just watched YouTube videos and tried to nap while browsing my dating applications, and ignoring the mounting amounts of work.

I will try my best to stop watching porn. I had more energy in Washington, D.C. or San Francisco because staying with others made me not watch porn.

November 30, 2021

I had a productive day yesterday, but I still need to find a balance between my side-hustles and personal development. I'm itching to go to the gym (haven't been in over a month) and I spent nearly $200.00 on new LSAT studying materials over the weekend (not including the $69.00 I'm still paying for 7Sage every month). Tutoring will die down soon, but I need to remember to set boundaries – telling students that I can only work for a couple hours a night instead of working for 5 or 6 hours after I finish my day job.

I think I need to go to the gym in the morning, and make it a habit going forward. I know that I will never go at night. I am just too tired. I need to study for at least an hour every night – or even during work.

I just fall asleep at night and tell myself the myth that I'll wake up in a few hours to wash my face, brush my teeth, and do all the things that “get me ready for bed.” That's CAP. I just fall asleep. I did get some good sleep though without the help of edibles.

As I'm writing this on the morning of December 1, I am replaying an incident in my head where I almost hit a runner on Mills. I was turning right on Miramar, and also switching songs to play “Lockjaw” by Kodak Black and French Montana. I didn't see the runner, and he had to jump to avoid being hit. He jumped up and down (grey t-shirt, blue shorts, and short blonde hair) and screamed, and I kept driving back home in shame. I need to stop driving distracted, and I should have pulled over and apologized.

Rap songs that I have liked this year (and I mean, really liked):

  • Chavo & Coi Leray – American Deli
  • Boldy James & Alchemist – First 48 Freestyle
  • EST Gee, Lil Baby, Rylo Rodriguez, and 42 Dugg – 5500 Degrees
  • Pi'erre Bourne & Playboi Carti – Switching Lanes
  • Peso Peso – My Life
  • Bad Bunny – Yonaguni
  • YoungBoy Never Broke Again – Nevada
  • NoCap – Vaccine
  • Kanye West, Playboi Carti, and Fivio Foreign – Off the Grid
  • Drake – What's Next
  • Young Nudy & Lil Uzi Vert – Yellow Tape
  • Mach-Hommy – Kriminel
  • Kanye West, Baby Keem, and Travis Scott – Praise God
  • Baby Keem & Kendrick Lamar – range brothers
  • BIG30 – King of My Projects
  • Yeat – Get Busy
  • Kodak Black, Sykobob, Wam SpinThaBin, and WizdaWizard – Righteous Reapers
  • Youngboy Never Broke Again – Toxic Punk
  • Rod Wave – Shock Da World
  • Bo Bundy – Suicidal Thoughts
  • midwxst – Tic Tac Toe
  • Maxo Kream – Local Joker
  • Hotboii, 30 Deep Grimeyy, Prince Dre, Soulja Dre, and YNW Smoke – 100K Cypher
  • Young Nudy & Lil Uzi Vert – Yellow Tape
  • Young Nudy & G Herbo – 2Face
  • Youngboy Never Broke Again – Forgiato
  • Don Toliver – Get Throwed
  • Goldenboy Countupboy – Fetty Wap
  • 454 – ANDRETTI
  • BFB da Packman & Dice Soho – Coke in the Sprinter
  • Maxo Kream – Mama's Purse
  • Young Thug – Hate the Game
  • Kanye West & Andre 3000 – Life of the Party
  • Baby Keem & Kendrick Lamar – family ties
  • HVN – South
  • tisakorean – Nicki Minaj
  • Big Jade, Beatking, and Erica Banks – Dem Girlz
  • Bun B & Le$ – Point of View
  • Monaleo – Beating Down Yo Block
  • Lil 1 DTE & Playboi Carti – Homixide
  • midwxst – Trying
  • Rod Wave – Tombstone
  • Rod Wave – OMDB
  • Playboi Carti – King Vamp
  • Navy Blue – Back to Basics
  • Navy Blue – Pressure Points
  • Larry June & Money Man – Intercepted
  • Earl Sweatshirt – 2010

To be continued...there are still so many songs that I need to remember.

At dinner yesterday at JJAN, I felt bored as I sat next to Roman and Brandon. I tried to make small talk but found both individuals extremely dull. I tried to explain “public interest” law to Roman, while my brows furrowed when Brandon made an “Asian” language comment (“How do you say it Asian?”). I felt annoyed by Elisa as I have for months now by her overbearing and pushy personality. Maybe I am the one that is being selfish. I probably am. I don't feel great when I spend time with my friends, which is why I am strongly contemplating moving back to Houston.

After watching Teorema (which was okay) with Jackson, I drove back to Claremont while refreshing Instagram and Twitter to see if DONDA had released. I felt like I had ADHD as I refreshed Instagram, checked Reddit, and scrolled Twitter all while driving 80 miles per hour on the 210. Wanting alcohol, I drove to downtown Pomona for a beer at an art gallery (DBA 256). I proceeded to get a Golden Monkey and drink it while refreshing my phone for DONDA updates. In retrospect, it was a futile endeavor (the album has still not released as of me writing this post), but also an avenue to navigate my social anxiety. I imagine that I will have to do much of this if and when I move back to Houston and abandon my friends and family for greener (and wetter – as I follow Hurricane Ida closely) pastures.

For some reason, I told myself it was “cheat day” as if I was on a diet, and got an enormous meal at In-N-Out: a medium Coke, a Double-Double with whole grilled onions and chopped chilies, and animal-style fries. I devoured everything near 2 AM but the animal-style fries, which I brought home after eating a quarter. I felt annoyed by my parents as my room was hot even at 2 AM, and drove to Andrew's house, where I spent the night and the entirety of Saturday with the air conditioning on.

I woke up periodically to check for DONDA news, so I did not get great sleep. When I woke up at noon, I craved marijuana. I ordered delivery and proceed to smoke a pre-rolled joint that faintly tasted like guava. I got really high and jacked off three times, but also had a luxurious shower in which I washed myself from head to toe with eucalyptus-scented charcoal soap from Unsound Rags.

I had a really great workout at the gym; my right shoulder pain and impingement completely dissipated, and I was able to perform multiple bench-press sets with proper form. I like working out slightly high.

I had some thoughts today as the weed sort of unraveled a “tangled ball of thoughts” in my head:

  • I don't like my friends right now. But maybe I'm not giving them a fair chance. They are not going to change, but I need to accept them for who they are. I cannot be so judgmental. They accept me for who I am, even if I am uncommunicative sometimes.

  • I am a work in progress. I can strike a proper balance between gently pushing myself and taking some time for myself in light of my mental health issues and my burnout from work.

  • I can be more communicative to the people in my life. It doesn't hurt to tell people how I am feeling or what I want. This includes responding timely to people on dating apps.

  • If there is something I can do immediately, I should do it. I have learned the hard way that the more I put something off, the more of a problem that something becomes.

Sunday, October 18, 2020

I miss cold, crisp winter days in Houston, where I was made warm by a feeling of excitement and optimism that I have yet to experience in Los Angeles. Intensely nostalgic events that spurred this feeling include (and to be updated):

  • Driving to Austin to see Julianna for the first time since graduation.

  • Taking roll as a teacher for the first Service Day field trip.

  • The one Day For Night festival where I left early to attend a student's quinceanera with Chloe.

  • Day-drinking and brunch at Escalante's with Abby, Gracie, and Abby's friend who I later slept with.

  • Dinner at Jimmy Changa's in Pearland with Mr. Zahrah.

  • Steph, Sangwon, and I at Grand Prize Bar when Steph and Sangwon started sleeping with each other.

  • Various nights at the Flat with Sangwon sipping on frozen mojitos and shivering in the outside patio.

  • Taking my first and second period class out to the quad to see the fresh-fallen snow.

  • Receiving holiday presents and cards from my students.

  • Weekend dinners at Kitchen 713 with Gracie.

  • Getting $15.00 haircuts at Peluqueria Zacatecas.

  • Watching Rockets season-openers with Sangwon.

  • Lunches with Bianca at Loving Hut, and our first walk together at Arthur Storey Park.

  • Playing Fortnite with Daniel and shooting hoops in his front yard while we were supposed to be studying.

  • The last Astroworld festival with Sangwon.

Saturday, October 17, 2020

I am noticing an almost-uncontrollable impulse to buy things. In the past couple of days, I almost bought:

  • An iPhone 12 Pro in the Pacific Blue finish, as well as a ProClear case and USB-C power adapter ($1,200).

  • A 2017 Lexus RX 450H ($33,000).

  • John Elliott's Folsom Tees in Washed Black and Olive ($375).

  • Aime Leon Dore x New Balance 550 in Grey colorway ($450).

  • Satisfy Running's “Death Valley” Muscle Tee ($200).

My thumb hovered above the “Confirm and Pay” button for each clothing item, as well as the iPhone and accessories, for what seemed like ages. My sleep schedule has been unhinged lately, so I've woken up around 4:00 am on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday to ponder for 30 minutes about purchasing these items, before falling back asleep and having dreams of actually purchasing these items.

With the car, I not only booked a test drive, but also transferred $20,000 from my savings to checking account for the down payment.

Isn't a common piece of advice to masturbate before going on a date? Or is it recommended to masturbate before you cheat? I get the two confused, but I am appreciative for my mother, who spends a lot of her free time at Marshalls. She was able to convince me, for once, to not spend my money on clothes, shoes, or a new iPhone because I was already stylish enough, and I don't really take selfies like Jackson, Chloe, Karen, etc.

I wish I had masturbated before cheating on Julianna with Sam, but that's a story for another time.

Additionally, I am increasingly wary of my relationship with Joyce. She had a self-described “hormonal breakdown” yesterday when I made a light-hearted joke, for which I then immediately apologized when I realized that she was actually having a breakdown. She then lashed out with texts that annoyed me; particular snippets include:

  • “When I meant I was having a breakdown I was crying for an hour.”

  • “And I don't expect you to fully understand what I am going through anyway”

  • “Actually I did laugh at ur comment while I was crying, until I realized you were mocking me but thanks anyway for making me feel better for like 10 minutes”

I told her that I didn't appreciate her backhanded comments that were obviously designed to make me feel guilty, and she subsequently apologized.

I was still annoyed after her apology, but maybe that was because I was simultaneously on a call with Christopher, who had emailed to complain about a single typo in his wife's immigration case. Christopher told me that the typo did not inspire his confidence in my work, to which I had wanted to respond by stating that the only reason his wife had received a Green Card was because Christopher's rich father, Mark, had agreed to sponsor her, as Christopher barely cleared $25,000 on his 2019 tax return, and that for the present case, Mark had paid the $6,000 in legal fees for my meticulous preparation (aside from the typo) of the petition that would remove conditions on his wife's permanent residence, making her a true Green Card holder.

Christopher exuded major “I will sue you” energy that was completely analogous with small-dick energy, and I anticipate that this type of energy will not be uncommon if and when I become an attorney.

However, I was grateful for the presence of Gabby and her healing crystals. I feel like Gabby, her crystals, and I are growing closer by the weekday.