My porn addiction has gotten especially bad over the past few days. I am masturbating at least two times a day, and my Twitter timeline is just filled with naked girls promoting their OnlyFans.

I have associated my porn addiction with a general lack of motivation in life. For example, I did not do anything today even though I had a lot on my plate. I just watched YouTube videos and tried to nap while browsing my dating applications, and ignoring the mounting amounts of work.

I will try my best to stop watching porn. I had more energy in Washington, D.C. or San Francisco because staying with others made me not watch porn.

November 30, 2021

I had a productive day yesterday, but I still need to find a balance between my side-hustles and personal development. I'm itching to go to the gym (haven't been in over a month) and I spent nearly $200.00 on new LSAT studying materials over the weekend (not including the $69.00 I'm still paying for 7Sage every month). Tutoring will die down soon, but I need to remember to set boundaries – telling students that I can only work for a couple hours a night instead of working for 5 or 6 hours after I finish my day job.

I think I need to go to the gym in the morning, and make it a habit going forward. I know that I will never go at night. I am just too tired. I need to study for at least an hour every night – or even during work.

I just fall asleep at night and tell myself the myth that I'll wake up in a few hours to wash my face, brush my teeth, and do all the things that “get me ready for bed.” That's CAP. I just fall asleep. I did get some good sleep though without the help of edibles.

As I'm writing this on the morning of December 1, I am replaying an incident in my head where I almost hit a runner on Mills. I was turning right on Miramar, and also switching songs to play “Lockjaw” by Kodak Black and French Montana. I didn't see the runner, and he had to jump to avoid being hit. He jumped up and down (grey t-shirt, blue shorts, and short blonde hair) and screamed, and I kept driving back home in shame. I need to stop driving distracted, and I should have pulled over and apologized.

Rap songs that I have liked this year (and I mean, really liked):

  • Chavo & Coi Leray – American Deli
  • Boldy James & Alchemist – First 48 Freestyle
  • EST Gee, Lil Baby, Rylo Rodriguez, and 42 Dugg – 5500 Degrees
  • Pi'erre Bourne & Playboi Carti – Switching Lanes
  • Peso Peso – My Life
  • Bad Bunny – Yonaguni
  • YoungBoy Never Broke Again – Nevada
  • NoCap – Vaccine
  • Kanye West, Playboi Carti, and Fivio Foreign – Off the Grid
  • Drake – What's Next
  • Young Nudy & Lil Uzi Vert – Yellow Tape
  • Mach-Hommy – Kriminel
  • Kanye West, Baby Keem, and Travis Scott – Praise God
  • Baby Keem & Kendrick Lamar – range brothers
  • BIG30 – King of My Projects
  • Yeat – Get Busy
  • Kodak Black, Sykobob, Wam SpinThaBin, and WizdaWizard – Righteous Reapers
  • Youngboy Never Broke Again – Toxic Punk
  • Rod Wave – Shock Da World
  • Bo Bundy – Suicidal Thoughts
  • midwxst – Tic Tac Toe
  • Maxo Kream – Local Joker
  • Hotboii, 30 Deep Grimeyy, Prince Dre, Soulja Dre, and YNW Smoke – 100K Cypher
  • Young Nudy & Lil Uzi Vert – Yellow Tape
  • Young Nudy & G Herbo – 2Face
  • Youngboy Never Broke Again – Forgiato
  • Don Toliver – Get Throwed
  • Goldenboy Countupboy – Fetty Wap
  • 454 – ANDRETTI
  • BFB da Packman & Dice Soho – Coke in the Sprinter
  • Maxo Kream – Mama's Purse
  • Young Thug – Hate the Game
  • Kanye West & Andre 3000 – Life of the Party
  • Baby Keem & Kendrick Lamar – family ties
  • HVN – South
  • tisakorean – Nicki Minaj
  • Big Jade, Beatking, and Erica Banks – Dem Girlz
  • Bun B & Le$ – Point of View
  • Monaleo – Beating Down Yo Block
  • Lil 1 DTE & Playboi Carti – Homixide
  • midwxst – Trying
  • Rod Wave – Tombstone
  • Rod Wave – OMDB
  • Playboi Carti – King Vamp
  • Navy Blue – Back to Basics
  • Navy Blue – Pressure Points
  • Larry June & Money Man – Intercepted
  • Earl Sweatshirt – 2010

To be continued...there are still so many songs that I need to remember.

At dinner yesterday at JJAN, I felt bored as I sat next to Roman and Brandon. I tried to make small talk but found both individuals extremely dull. I tried to explain “public interest” law to Roman, while my brows furrowed when Brandon made an “Asian” language comment (“How do you say it Asian?”). I felt annoyed by Elisa as I have for months now by her overbearing and pushy personality. Maybe I am the one that is being selfish. I probably am. I don't feel great when I spend time with my friends, which is why I am strongly contemplating moving back to Houston.

After watching Teorema (which was okay) with Jackson, I drove back to Claremont while refreshing Instagram and Twitter to see if DONDA had released. I felt like I had ADHD as I refreshed Instagram, checked Reddit, and scrolled Twitter all while driving 80 miles per hour on the 210. Wanting alcohol, I drove to downtown Pomona for a beer at an art gallery (DBA 256). I proceeded to get a Golden Monkey and drink it while refreshing my phone for DONDA updates. In retrospect, it was a futile endeavor (the album has still not released as of me writing this post), but also an avenue to navigate my social anxiety. I imagine that I will have to do much of this if and when I move back to Houston and abandon my friends and family for greener (and wetter – as I follow Hurricane Ida closely) pastures.

For some reason, I told myself it was “cheat day” as if I was on a diet, and got an enormous meal at In-N-Out: a medium Coke, a Double-Double with whole grilled onions and chopped chilies, and animal-style fries. I devoured everything near 2 AM but the animal-style fries, which I brought home after eating a quarter. I felt annoyed by my parents as my room was hot even at 2 AM, and drove to Andrew's house, where I spent the night and the entirety of Saturday with the air conditioning on.

I woke up periodically to check for DONDA news, so I did not get great sleep. When I woke up at noon, I craved marijuana. I ordered delivery and proceed to smoke a pre-rolled joint that faintly tasted like guava. I got really high and jacked off three times, but also had a luxurious shower in which I washed myself from head to toe with eucalyptus-scented charcoal soap from Unsound Rags.

I had a really great workout at the gym; my right shoulder pain and impingement completely dissipated, and I was able to perform multiple bench-press sets with proper form. I like working out slightly high.

I had some thoughts today as the weed sort of unraveled a “tangled ball of thoughts” in my head:

  • I don't like my friends right now. But maybe I'm not giving them a fair chance. They are not going to change, but I need to accept them for who they are. I cannot be so judgmental. They accept me for who I am, even if I am uncommunicative sometimes.

  • I am a work in progress. I can strike a proper balance between gently pushing myself and taking some time for myself in light of my mental health issues and my burnout from work.

  • I can be more communicative to the people in my life. It doesn't hurt to tell people how I am feeling or what I want. This includes responding timely to people on dating apps.

  • If there is something I can do immediately, I should do it. I have learned the hard way that the more I put something off, the more of a problem that something becomes.

Sunday, October 18, 2020

I miss cold, crisp winter days in Houston, where I was made warm by a feeling of excitement and optimism that I have yet to experience in Los Angeles. Intensely nostalgic events that spurred this feeling include (and to be updated):

  • Driving to Austin to see Julianna for the first time since graduation.

  • Taking roll as a teacher for the first Service Day field trip.

  • The one Day For Night festival where I left early to attend a student's quinceanera with Chloe.

  • Day-drinking and brunch at Escalante's with Abby, Gracie, and Abby's friend who I later slept with.

  • Dinner at Jimmy Changa's in Pearland with Mr. Zahrah.

  • Steph, Sangwon, and I at Grand Prize Bar when Steph and Sangwon started sleeping with each other.

  • Various nights at the Flat with Sangwon sipping on frozen mojitos and shivering in the outside patio.

  • Taking my first and second period class out to the quad to see the fresh-fallen snow.

  • Receiving holiday presents and cards from my students.

  • Weekend dinners at Kitchen 713 with Gracie.

  • Getting $15.00 haircuts at Peluqueria Zacatecas.

  • Watching Rockets season-openers with Sangwon.

  • Lunches with Bianca at Loving Hut, and our first walk together at Arthur Storey Park.

  • Playing Fortnite with Daniel and shooting hoops in his front yard while we were supposed to be studying.

  • The last Astroworld festival with Sangwon.

Saturday, October 17, 2020

I am noticing an almost-uncontrollable impulse to buy things. In the past couple of days, I almost bought:

  • An iPhone 12 Pro in the Pacific Blue finish, as well as a ProClear case and USB-C power adapter ($1,200).

  • A 2017 Lexus RX 450H ($33,000).

  • John Elliott's Folsom Tees in Washed Black and Olive ($375).

  • Aime Leon Dore x New Balance 550 in Grey colorway ($450).

  • Satisfy Running's “Death Valley” Muscle Tee ($200).

My thumb hovered above the “Confirm and Pay” button for each clothing item, as well as the iPhone and accessories, for what seemed like ages. My sleep schedule has been unhinged lately, so I've woken up around 4:00 am on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday to ponder for 30 minutes about purchasing these items, before falling back asleep and having dreams of actually purchasing these items.

With the car, I not only booked a test drive, but also transferred $20,000 from my savings to checking account for the down payment.

Isn't a common piece of advice to masturbate before going on a date? Or is it recommended to masturbate before you cheat? I get the two confused, but I am appreciative for my mother, who spends a lot of her free time at Marshalls. She was able to convince me, for once, to not spend my money on clothes, shoes, or a new iPhone because I was already stylish enough, and I don't really take selfies like Jackson, Chloe, Karen, etc.

I wish I had masturbated before cheating on Julianna with Sam, but that's a story for another time.

Additionally, I am increasingly wary of my relationship with Joyce. She had a self-described “hormonal breakdown” yesterday when I made a light-hearted joke, for which I then immediately apologized when I realized that she was actually having a breakdown. She then lashed out with texts that annoyed me; particular snippets include:

  • “When I meant I was having a breakdown I was crying for an hour.”

  • “And I don't expect you to fully understand what I am going through anyway”

  • “Actually I did laugh at ur comment while I was crying, until I realized you were mocking me but thanks anyway for making me feel better for like 10 minutes”

I told her that I didn't appreciate her backhanded comments that were obviously designed to make me feel guilty, and she subsequently apologized.

I was still annoyed after her apology, but maybe that was because I was simultaneously on a call with Christopher, who had emailed to complain about a single typo in his wife's immigration case. Christopher told me that the typo did not inspire his confidence in my work, to which I had wanted to respond by stating that the only reason his wife had received a Green Card was because Christopher's rich father, Mark, had agreed to sponsor her, as Christopher barely cleared $25,000 on his 2019 tax return, and that for the present case, Mark had paid the $6,000 in legal fees for my meticulous preparation (aside from the typo) of the petition that would remove conditions on his wife's permanent residence, making her a true Green Card holder.

Christopher exuded major “I will sue you” energy that was completely analogous with small-dick energy, and I anticipate that this type of energy will not be uncommon if and when I become an attorney.

However, I was grateful for the presence of Gabby and her healing crystals. I feel like Gabby, her crystals, and I are growing closer by the weekday.

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Extremely lethargic the past day or so; today, I was in Chloe's default “Taking a nap, bye” mode all day – but curiously, did not attribute my want of sleep to depression. I was just tired, plain and simple.

I have been watching a lot of YouTube fitness videos lately to assess my weightlifting progress against beginners and pros alike. However, watching these videos just makes me want to start using steroids. I can't do that though – not only am I scared of doing post-cycle therapy, but my diet is also shit (today, I ate and drank: blueberry muffin; matcha roll; bowl of rice with pickled vegetables and intestines; two eggs; sesame flatbread; many slices of tri-tip; one Cotton Candy Bang Energy; a lot of wintermelon tea, with and without milk; and several oranges). At the very least, I would want to dial in my diet before I even consider injecting myself with synthetic chemicals that may or may not deliver the transformations I imagine in my head.

Things I've been thinking about buying:

  • Pre-used Toyota RAV4 Hybrid with about 20 to 20k miles (2018 to 2020 model)

  • Round-trip tickets to Houston in November from Southwest Airlines

  • Black Vuja De Japanese Loopwheel Vintage Hoodie in Size XL (on Grailed)

  • Meaghan Garvey's “Nowhere Fast: Short Stories”

  • John Elliott's Folsom Pocket Tees in Vintage Olive and Vintage Black

  • iPhone 12 Pro

  • White Bare Knuckles Season 3 White Cargo Shorts in Size XL (on Grailed – would sell my black shorts as they don't really fit)

  • CDG Monocle Scent Two: Laurel

  • Satisfy Running's “Death Valley” Muscle Shirt

  • Amphetamine salts

  • Gorilla Healing's BPC 157 + TB-500 Wolverine nasal spray

  • Some local girl's OnlyFans that was plugged on her Tinder profile

Monday, October 12, 2020

My recent bout of depression is over (I think – this may be prescriptive, maybe not), largely thanks to:

1) Interacting more with my mother, as we're the only two bodies in the house with my father in Taiwan. My father's presence is not missed; he filled the house with a cranky, demanding energy, even though all he did was sit on the couch and watch Korean soap operas. Interacting with my mother, through the asking and answering of simple questions, such as “What do you want for dinner” or “Do you need to do laundry” or “Where are you going hiking,” allows me work some hidden empathy muscle that has largely atrophied. I feel like my mother cares for me; she also knows that I care for her. Of course, these mutual feelings are understood to be unsaid, but verbalizing them indirectly through questions helps reinforces my psyche: I don't feel like I'm doing things alone.

2) Taking Vitamin B12 and D, and enjoying their placebo effect on my mental health.

3) Not being neurotic about working out. I have an app with a strict workout program (nSuns 531). Often, I miss gym days when I drive to downtown Los Angeles for in-office work; when I arrive home at 10 or 11 pm, I'm exhausted and cannot drag myself to the gym, even after chugging a Miami Cola Bang with 300 mg of caffeine.

However, when I miss a day, I subsequently stress at night and have trouble falling asleep because I'm thinking of ways that I can somehow make-up the workouts I missed for that day – knowing full well that I'll never wake up at 5 am no matter how many alarms I set on my phone, or that I'll never spend 3 hours in the gym trying to combine two workouts together.

This weekend, I went to the gym to complete workouts that I missed during the week, yet maintained a more casual attitude. I did not make a concerted effort to hit 100% completion for the week, and I felt less anxious. I enjoy the rush of endorphins that comes with lifting heavy weights, but not so much for that rush (or the chase) to become a sword hanging over my head.

A couple behavior modifications that may help curb the exercise neuroticism:

(a) Not reading the r/steroids Daily Chat threads everyday.

(b) Reducing social media use/consumption, especially Twitter.

© Reducing my porn consumption.

(d) Not trying to “maximize” my gym subscription.

4) Giving up on trying to play catch-up with work, and as such, God blessed me this weekend by sending Ukrainian hackers to infect my firm's databases with ransomware – and as I'm typing this, the firm's IT functions are still offline, which has relieved me from working. God, if you're hearing this, please make the ransomware as encrypted and unintelligible as possible.

5) Listening to Jay Electronica's Act II, especially the back-to-back tracks of “Better in Tune” and “Letter to Falon.” The orchestral elements of each track make me feel wistful, which replaces the internal emptiness with a warm longing that is much more preferable.

6) Researching the candidates and measures that appear on my ballot to actually make informed decisions when voting.

7) Reading, listening to, and watching Supreme Court Justices conduct oral arguments on the Oyez Project, and give interviews on YouTube. I have particularly enjoyed the intelligence, logic, and oration of Justice Anthony Kennedy, Justice Antonin Scalia, and Justice Stephen Breyer. They embody a sort of stoicism that I would like to emulate.

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Did I start writing this live blog as a reaction to reading Megan Boyle's “Liveblog”? No actually, I've been meaning to write more, as a way of releasing a lot of my pent-up thoughts that inevitably drive me crazy. Non-verbal autism that may somehow be cured, if, as Megan writes, “knowing this is not what i wanted to say, not knowing what i wanted to say, but that i wanted to say something.”

I've been fighting through a serious bout of depression. On Friday, I didn't want to work, so I sent an email to my bosses claiming that my mom had tripped and fell down the stairs, fracturing her wrist while trying to break the fall. I then called my senior boss, the partner, and breathlessly explained to him “what had happened” and was pretty proud of the way I had feigned a nervous and anxious tone. I then went back to sleep for a few hours, then woke up, went to go buy an apple pie that served as lunch, and then played Among Us while watching the NBA Finals Game 5. All the while, I was checking my work emails on my phone, partly feeling guilty about my lie but mostly feeling relieved that I was not responsible for anything at all. Whatever.

I think I should write about my work situation in another post – maybe tomorrow. It would be good to get it off my chest.

I chuckle and slightly worry about a manic period I had on Thursday night, where I wanted to enter into a complete state of indulgence.

After completing no work on Thursday, I clocked out around 5:45 pm. I literally did no work, but felt an intense need to indulge myself – perhaps as a way to reward myself for withstanding the relentless stress and anxiety work has induced (which definitely requires me to write about my work situation – forthcoming).

  • Promptly consumed a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey Ice Cream (to my delight, there was minimal chocolate ingredients – something that ruins other Ben & Jerry's flavors like Americone Dream).

  • Scheduled a gym appointment at 9:00 pm with no intention to go.

  • Searched Yelp for the highest-reviewed sushi place in the area owned by Japanese people. Found a sushi place in Glendora, CA called Anaba Sushi that seemed legit.

  • Ordered a Spider-Man Roll (deep-fried soft shell crab, imitation crab meat, cucumbers, avocado) and a Washington D.C. Roll (salmon, imitation crab meat, masago, avocado, shrimp tempura) for $30.

  • Went to go pick up the order, and then wanted Starbucks, so got in line at the drive-through. Was snacking on my rolls the entire time. Got a latte, and the lady at the drive-through was unusually talkative. She complimented my round-lens glasses, while also disclosing her love of anime. I don't remember how the two subjects were related.

  • Thought of the Worth It “Sushi and Burger” episode and wanted a burger. Stopped at an Argentinian spot called Boca Burger that offered a chargrilled cheeseburger with chimichurri. Was apparently out of it because the owner was trying to strike up a conversation while I was just staring at the ground, waiting impatiently for my burger.

  • Drove home and consumed my sushi, burger, and latte in what seemed like 15 minutes. Watched random YouTube videos for the rest of the night, and jacked off to various porn until I fell asleep at 2 am.