Sunday, October 11, 2020

Did I start writing this live blog as a reaction to reading Megan Boyle's “Liveblog”? No actually, I've been meaning to write more, as a way of releasing a lot of my pent-up thoughts that inevitably drive me crazy. Non-verbal autism that may somehow be cured, if, as Megan writes, “knowing this is not what i wanted to say, not knowing what i wanted to say, but that i wanted to say something.”

I've been fighting through a serious bout of depression. On Friday, I didn't want to work, so I sent an email to my bosses claiming that my mom had tripped and fell down the stairs, fracturing her wrist while trying to break the fall. I then called my senior boss, the partner, and breathlessly explained to him “what had happened” and was pretty proud of the way I had feigned a nervous and anxious tone. I then went back to sleep for a few hours, then woke up, went to go buy an apple pie that served as lunch, and then played Among Us while watching the NBA Finals Game 5. All the while, I was checking my work emails on my phone, partly feeling guilty about my lie but mostly feeling relieved that I was not responsible for anything at all. Whatever.

I think I should write about my work situation in another post – maybe tomorrow. It would be good to get it off my chest.

I chuckle and slightly worry about a manic period I had on Thursday night, where I wanted to enter into a complete state of indulgence.

After completing no work on Thursday, I clocked out around 5:45 pm. I literally did no work, but felt an intense need to indulge myself – perhaps as a way to reward myself for withstanding the relentless stress and anxiety work has induced (which definitely requires me to write about my work situation – forthcoming).