tricia

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT – EARLY MORNING

DIRTBAG and ELISE are asleep in bed. A PHONE ALARM is going off.

DIRTBAG Ell, your phone.

ELISE mumbles and rolls over. DIRTBAG kisses her on the shoulder and gently shakes her.

DIRTBAG Come on, you don’t want to be late for work.

ELISE ‘Sa computer. It’s fine. Who cares.

JEREMY, a computer assistant speaker, begins playing birdsong as an alarm.

DIRTBAG Ell, come on, it’s morning. Yes, thank you Jeremy, that will do.

JEREMY Ding! I’m sorry, your voice did not match my database. [BIRDSONG continues]

ELISE Please just make it stop. I’m so tired, just five more minutes of peace and quiet.

DIRTBAG Did he just say “ding?” Like that wasn’t a sound effect, he just said “ding.”

JEREMY You have one new notification: Wake up Elise at 8:50.

The CELL PHONE ALARM begins to ring again.

ELISE Fuck, I can’t find my phone.

JEREMY Don’t forget your notification: wake up Elise at 8:50.

DIRTBAG Yes, thank you Jeremy, I’m well aware.

ELISE Can you turn on the lights?

DIRTBAG Jeremy, turn on the lights.

JEREMY Hmm, I’m sorry. That command requires a voice that is registered in my authorized user database.

ELISE TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS!

JEREMY Ding! Turning on five lights.

No lights turn on.

DIRTBAG There, look, he did it again, he said “ding.”

ELISE (Sweetly) Dearest Jeremy, would you please turn the lights on?

JEREMY Ding! Turning on five lights.

The lights come on, blindingly bright.

DIRTBAG I only see four. Haha get it? Like your guy Picard?

ELISE I got the phone, can you please turn off your stupid vanity?

DIRTBAG Jeremy, please turn off the vanity.

JEREMY The Bonfire of the Vanities, by Tom Wolfe. Chapter One.

ELISE VANITY OFF!

The VANITY lights turn off.

ELISE Can you like, change it so it doesn’t turn that one on first thing in the morning? It’s like right in my eyes. Like why do you have it in with the lights, it’s not like, a normal lamp.

DIRTBAG (Walking over to the kitchenette) Yeah, I can change that. I just thought it’s like, you know, so dark in here without it. It’s a light!

DIRTBAG sets the electric kettle brewing.

ELISE (Getting dressed) But the bedside lamp doesn’t turn on when you say it.

DIRTBAG Well sure, that’s an accent lamp, that’s like, for bedtime.

ELISE But the Party Time sign does.

DIRTBAG Well that’s just aspirational. Or inspirational. However you slice it.

JEREMY (From bathroom speaker) At that very moment, in the very sort of Park Avenue co-op apartment that so obsessed the Mayor; twelve-foot ceilings; two wings, one for the white Anglo-Saxon Protestants who own the place and one for the help; Sherman McCoy was kneeling in his front hall trying to put a leash on a dachshund.

DIRTBAG What was that?

ELISE Male manipulator literature. He’s still reading that book.

DIRTBAG But why in the bathroom?

ELISE (Giggling) Because he’s pooping.

DIRTBAG (Smiling indulgently) I swear to God.

JEREMY Don’t forget your notification: Wake up Elise at 8:50.

DIRTBAG (Setting a mug down on the coffee table) Jeremy, dismiss notification.

JEREMY Okay, have a good day!

DIRTBAG Now he listens?

ELISE I think maybe your voice hadn’t warmed up yet. You were a little croaky.

DIRTBAG Well that’s just transphobia.

JEREMY Webster’s Dictionary defines transphobia as the fear of—

DIRTBAG THANK YOU JEREMY.

ELISE I think I might go in to the office tomorrow.

DIRTBAG (On bed, eating chips out of the bag) Why, what’s wrong with working here?

JEREMY (From bathroom) Looking at Sherman McCoy, hunched over like that and dressed the way he was, in his checked shirt, khaki pants, and leather boating moccasins, you would have never guessed what an imposing figure he usually cut.

ELISE Jeremy, cut it out please.

JEREMY Ding! Okay.

DIRTBAG See, there, again, he said it, he said “ding.”

ELISE Uh-huh.

DIRTBAG Like you agree that’s weird right? I swear, yesterday he had a sound effect for that.

ELISE Sure, great.

DIRTBAG Sorry, did I do something wrong?

ELISE I’ll be glad to have a look at those numbers. (Mouthing: I’m on a call.)

DIRTBAG Sorry. (Starts doing dishes)

ELISE (Beat) Look, sorry, can you like, take a walk or something? You’ve got this like, nervous energy, it’s very distracting.

DIRTBAG Sure, let me just find my phone. Jeremy, where’s my phone?

JEREMY Well, geez, I’d love to help you right now. But see, for me to do something like that, you’ve got to be an authorized voice in my database.

ELISE It’s on your bedside table, next to your keys.

DIRTBAG That’s weird, I usually leave my keys by the door. Or in the bathtub. Or the hamper.

JEREMY Would you like to rate your experience with the Jeremy Assistant today?

ELISE Can you just please go?

DIRTBAG Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay. Sorry. I love you?

ELISE Well, that’s going to be a problem. (Beat, indicates screen again, returns to work.)

JEREMY (From bathroom) Ding! If you’re having problems, maybe I can help. I’ve sent a list of relationship counselors to your phone.

DIRTBAG stares, looking hurt, sighs.

Exit DIRTBAG.