I’m happier now than I have been in years. That is what I tell people. And it is probably true. I’m not depressed or particularly anxious. I’m not really worried about anything. I’m grieving the death of my cat and struggling with my upcoming exams but that is sort of it. I study and I volunteer. My relationship is going well, I have a nice home, and very good friends. Everything is alright with my family, I guess. My best friend moved away and I miss her but she is doing fine. My boyfriend is unemployed but we’ll figure that out. Things are fine. Really. And yet, I picked myself up from the living room floor after lying there crying for about 5 minutes. So what’s up with that? Not just with the whole crying-thing but the telling people that I am happy?
The thing is, that I mostly don’t feel unhappy. Maybe that’s what different. I haven’t had time to feel anything or respond to it for a long time. I have felt things of course, but I made a blog to have somewhere to put it that wasn’t my family or friends or strangers. I gave it a place I could close at the click of a button, and open again if needed. I can’t even remember when I last looked at it, because suddenly, my life was calm. And it still is. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. So am I bored? Am I annoyed? Am I just slowly recovering? Why do I suddenly cry and then suddenly stop. Hormones? Am I not eating enough? Or maybe not correctly, whatever that means. Or maybe the problem is that I have the time for it to become an issue. The crying. Because honestly, I don’t think I am depressed and I mostly don’t feel sad.
I feel like I am getting old though. Not in the osteoporosis sort of way but still. I don’t think I am actually getting old, not yet, but I think this is what it feels like. I am a bit tired. To be honest, I am very tired. My hair is turning grey but I don’t think it’s falling off any more. No more than hair usually does. My skin is … well, I guess I am thankful that it isn’t worse than it is ...
I recently felt I needed to apologise to an entire (small) company whose employees had serviced my mother when she was ill. I had been really, really rude to them, and I didn’t understand it. I remember the situation and what I did but I didn’t see the consequences of my actions. So I apologised seven months after I had rudely scolded a bunch of employees who did their very, very best. I realised then that maybe I had lost myself a bit while trying to save the world. I don’t know if it’s related to my crying. Maybe/maybe not. Maybe I have just realised that I am not a hero in any way. Maybe I mourn that my illusion about me being a good anything shattered many months ago. But at the same time, I feel more free than I did before. Maybe I also grew a little. Hopefully, I didn’t grow into a monster. My friends tell me that I am intimidating and I hate that. Not them telling me – I am thankful for their honesty – but I hate the thought of me intimidating others. I don’t want to be that person. But that raises the question: Who do I want to be? And do I even resemble someone or something I want to be?
These are the sort of thoughts that shouldn’t be clouding my mind when I try to write a paper, so here they are. On my screen, in my blog, in a place I can close at the click of button. So here goes ….